Superman's New Role, Rehabilitated Panhandlers: Answers To America's Economic Woes
America, Get Ready For Economic Recovery . . .
Some noted economists in Washington use the terms, ‘recession,’ and ‘decline,’ to describe our country’s economic picture. I admire these men and women who make their living telling me just how bleak our future really is. And when the noted economists are finished with their forecasts about the national unemployment numbers and ‘recession,’ it’s the political analysts turn to tell me who’s fault it was that we are in this terrible economic shape. The ‘blame game’ should be marketed by Parker Brothers.
I have only a high school education. That’s all. I do not claim to be knowledgeable about high-end economics, ‘spinning political doctrines,’ and how our dollar is taking a beating in the European market. This lack of wisdom is my fault, not President Obama’s. I wish that I could side with those in the House and Senate who fight Obama at every turn and try to convince us that he, Obama, caused every segment of this economic down turn. And these same people tell me that Obama is also to blame for the number of jobless that are steadily-growing every day. But I won’t. I was raised by two level-headed and sensible parents who said to never “kick a man while he is down.” And I won’t.
Allow me to share a few facts with you that you already know. Actually, some over-done old news, if you will.
1. Our national debt is now in the astronomical proportions of 14 trillion dollars. In fact, the debt is so huge that my grandchildren’s grandchildren will never see the end of this huge debt that was not all of president Obama’s doings. Nor was it all George W. Bush’s doings either.
2. Billions of dollars were spent and more being spent on brand-spanking new job programs by the president’s administration to create new jobs in the industrial and retail sector. Plus the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq have not helped our debt numbers at all. I personally understand why these confrontations by the United States were needed to thwart the menace called terrorism. Obama has stated that most of our valiant troops will be coming home by July 2012. We can only hope.
3. Although the agencies of the F.B.I., D.E.A., state and local authorities have found a brave battle against illegal drugs, the war is far from being won. Drugs of all types are flooding our streets and killing our children by the thousands. Each day. Scary statistics, but all true. Sad to say.
4. Personally, I do not think that any newly-elected president, Senate and House by The Green Tea Party, G.O.P., Independent or Democratic parties will ever bring sensible economic solutions and bring down our staggering unemployment numbers.
5. America is losing the industrial competition, as you already know, to foreign countries, who are making the same product for much less that it costs us to produce. Now that isn’t something we can hold our heads up about.
And there are way more bigger measures of overkill about the same subjects, economical outlook and unemployment that I am privileged to hear on CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and sometimes, HLN, when I do watch television. Even then, the chiseled-doctrines of the highly-paid economical and employment experts in their editorializing on these major news networks all say about the same thing, “Yeah, Jim. America looks pre--tty bad now. I feel that someone in Washington needs to make a positive move in the right direction,” I could have said that for less money and wear Walmart clothes while on the air. I promise. I could do this job. Without the $50-dollar words that I, and people like me, cannot understand and have to keep our Webster’s PC Dictionary open while we watch these ‘talking heads.’ I am serious. Boy, how I miss Chet Huntley, David Brinkley, Howard K. Smith and Mike Douglas. These news vets sat up straight and told us the unvarnished, unspun truth while looking us in the eye.
Looks like I have already went off on a tangent. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that. I just wanted to lay the foundation for this story that I call, “Superman’s New Role And Rehabilitated Panhandlers: Answers For America's Economic Woes.” Sounds really sophisticated, huh? And while you are having your coffee--waiting for your new client to arrive, you grab a copy of the Washington Post or Atlanta Constitution, and find your eyes gazing at the editorial page reading how bad Dow Jones did at the close of business yesterday, which makes you feel a bit more important than you were before you left home. Yes, nothing makes a man feel like a man like the editorial page, a cup of fine coffee and meeting a new business client. That’s what made America great. I just had to throw that in.
Okay. Let me just reiterate for a minute. The members of The House and Senate in Washington all make upwards past six-figures of income every year. Plus perks, lifetime pension, benefits, and respect from their constituents like you wouldn’t believe. Even president Obama makes in the six-figures a year, plus a lifetime pension, insurance, and lifetime Secret Service for him and his family when he leaves office. I have just one scary question: Why do these guys make so doggone much money? And why do they vote themselves a raise ever now and then? For what? Attending sessions of Congress? Voting? That’s what we elected them for is to vote, protect our nation and see that our country’s legislation is fair and equal to all races of people.
One more question, and this is from me personally, “Why is the G.O.P. so dead-set against the super-wealthy of our country paying their fair share of taxes?” If you are a middle-class working man or woman, let ask you, “Do you get tax breaks from the government?” Why not? What makes the rich any better than those who have shouldered the tax burdens for years? I just wish that one sensible member of The House or Senate would sit down with me over coffee and explain the last two questions to me. Once and for all.
Okay. Enough ranting is enough. I said all of that to say this. President Obama, the House and Senate could have saved all those billions, now trillions, on their job programs and borrowing trillions to keep our country in business if they had just flew down to Hamilton, Alabama, which is only an hour and a half from Birmingham, Alabama, and talk to me in my front yard over coffee, iced tea, and homemade teacakes. Never seen a politician who didn’t like to talk, drink coffee or iced tea, and eat homemade teacakes while relaxing under my forest of shade trees. That’s all it would have took. Maybe with the ideas that will follow, that I have spent months working out all the details, might help to get America back on track. And look at all the money my two programs would have saved us.
First let’s talk about DC Comics’ ‘bread and butter,’ Superman. No need to go into deep details about his birth, where he came from, who his real parents were, why he was sent to earth in a spaceship and discovered by Ma and Pa Kent, two humble farm people, and took young Kal El (his Kryptonian name) as their own son. Then Kal El was changed to Clark Kent to match his new parents. What a touching story. Only the late J.D. Salinger (Cater In The Rye), could appreciate the disciplined framework of the story of Superman.
Here are some more facts about our friend, Superman that you already know. But hopefully, you are thrilled to read them again.
1. Superman is just that super.
2. Superman has super strength.
3. Superman has super hearing.
4. Superman has super speed.
5. Superman has a super sense of humor.
6. Superman has super manners.
7. Superman has super intelligence.
8. Superman has X-Ray vision as well as heat vision.
9. Superman flies faster than a speeding bullet.
10. Superman leaps over tall buildings in a single bound.
Superman, we might as well face it, his arch enemy, Lex Luthor, and all of Superman’s enemies old and new too, that Superman is the all-around, all-purpose man among men. It’s a fact, Jack. Unless Superman nears green kryptonite, he can stay super-strong all the time.
Notice that I didn’t mention any other members of The Justice League of America? I had a reason. We don’t need them. Just our buddy, Superman. I will explain how Superman will play a pivotal role in “America’s comeback,” in a few more sentences. Be patient.
America’s Comeback: The First Stage Of The Plan Begins with . . .
1. Superman, going at light-speed, from coast to coast, and arrests all of the deadly drug pushers and I mean all of them with lawyers, C.P.A.’s, AK-47’s and all and takes them to the nearest jail to be held over for trial. One step finished.
2. Superman now rounds up all of these drug pushers who are legally found to be unfit for being an officer of he court, and has them disbarred.
3. Superman takes all of the drug pushing felons and places them in professionally-maintained and staffed rehab houses that will get them off of drugs as well as changing their mindsets from selling deadly drugs to sudden urges to become farmers. That takes care of the drug pushers.
4. Superman takes the disbarred lawyers and, at his own expense, gets these ex-lawyers new jobs as municipal building custodians, janitors, doormen and maintenance men. The lawyers that Superman approves of will continue to work in the court of law with civil cases. If any exist anymore. In three days, Superman has wiped out our drug problem, the streets are safe as well as our kids, and the shady lawyers are much happier doing work with their hands, not their calculator they use to pad their bills. Everything is going according to plan.
America’s Comeback: Phase Two Begins . . .
1. Superman addresses a joint-session of Congress about the importance of having their constituents trust them again and suggests that each senator and congressman take a large pay cut and have that cut deposited in a sound bank that pays great dividends on the money from the senators and congressmen’s pay cuts. This money is then used for upstarts for new business, mostly small businesses for minorities who want to work America after they become legal citizens. Superman’s speech at the join-session of Congress also deal with morale between the House and Senate when they work with Obama or whomever is president. Now that problem is solved. No one says no to Superman.
2. Superman then travels from state to state to factory to factory hiring himself out to the factory that is short on hands and fills in for them until they get back. If it’s a welder who is out, Superman’s heat vision can weld far better than a human welder. So production at that plant is not affected. And Superman could do other odd jobs in the plant for other employees who are behind on their work. This would help keep the factory going strong.
3. Superman could also hire himself out to the city policemen to patrol the streets at night for what few law-breakers might be trying to open up for business again. And Superman could help the F.B.I. And C.I.A. with tracking down international terrorists and save these agencies tons of money and the agents’ lives. Yes, Superman could even work for the state troopers in states that need his help in catching speeders. One talk about the dangers of speeding from Superman standing near your car window would make you drive safely forever.
4. Superman, for fun, could wrap-up the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and have the murdering terrorists arrested and tried in an international court for murdering innocent citizens all in the name of politics.
America’s Comeback: Phase Three . . .
With Superman now just flying around all over our country looking for people who need help in banking problems, mortgages, job hunting, and other things that have become sores on our backside, the second part of my elaborate plan is about to take place at any time.
Enter The Material Transfer Specialists . . .
Do not judge these people at first glimpse as most human beings do. You might be making a big mistake. I know. Short-sighted, narrow-minded people call them panhandlers, I prefer to give them a boost of self-esteem and call them Material Transfer Specialists. Sounds better, don’t you think? No man when he is down on the sidewalk likes for people to step over him and say, “Oh, he’s just one of those panhandlers we see all the time on television,” that makes the man on the sidewalk feel a might sorry. And low down.
With the help of Superman, maybe Lois Lane, if she’s not busy, I will kick-off a special re-education and rebuilding project for panhandlers in some civic center facilities near Washington, D.C. I will have food, soft drinks, coffee, decent clothing, all brought in and paid for by my less-than-nominal budget of $5,000.00 a month, to get these panhandlers back into society as respectable, prideful men and women who are proud to be called Americans.
Lois and I will meet every morning for breakfast and coffee at our nearby Huddle House, like the one I have near my house in Hamilton, Alabama. There Lois and I can chat and plan the daily activities and life lessons to be taught. This meeting may run about 2 to 3 hours, but it’s all for the panhandlers back at the civic center.
At first glance and precision testing, it doesn’t take long for Lois and I to see that these panhandlers are mostly up in years and have lost their work skills they once had as young men before they took to panhandling to make a living. A problem right off the bat. What to do? What to do?
With it nearing noon, Lois and I go back to the nearby Huddle House for lunch consisting of western omelets, grits, toast and coffee for me, orange juice for Lois. We talk and dine at the same time to save time. I thought of that idea. When our 3 hour lunch is over, we are now ready to whip these pitiful panhandlers into shape. Time for action. Time to take care of business.
When we test these men for what type of jobs they used to do, we find out quick that a big percentage of these poor guys actually tried the working for a living thing and didn’t quite fit in. They were down in the mouth. Some quit in shame. Some got fired. Most ended up on the streets panhandling for a means to survive.
A week or two pass. Lois and I have now grown tired of Huddle House and now eating our breakfast and lunch at a Waffle House across town. We chat. We chew. Look at numbers. Look at test results. We sometimes argue a bit, but smile and say “sorry” to each other and get back to the civic center for more laborious work with these men who are counting on us to shape them into respectable men.
Suddenly it hits me. Not Lois. She asked me if she could have the afternoon off for a hair appointment, nails, pedicure and dress shopping, and I say yes. That Lois. She must go through clothes like cheap beer through kidneys for she buys new clothes, gets her hair done, nails and pedicure done every week that comes. I like a woman who takes care of her appearance.
Okay. Sorry for that momentary lapse. Back to my idea. I sit all of the panhandlers in a circle. I ask them one question at one time: What are you fella’s really good at?” They look at each other, look at the floor, scuff their shoes on the hardwood floor, chear their throats, and say, “Panhandling, you fool!” Guess they should know better than I about what skills they have. And true, panhandling is not stealing, but in a round about way, begging for change or whatever food is left over at a restaurant. So with some modifications, I can give the panhandlers and myself what we want and be happy.
Lois calls me the next hour and gives me a flimsy excuse about needing three weeks off for personal time. I say yes. And I also tell her that this panhandling rebuilding project is only three more weeks and she giggles and says, “Hun, just mail me my check. Tah, tah,” I feel like a sucker at having Lois run over me, but that can wait. I am about to unloose my panhandling seminar for the men who are now anxious to have lives for themselves.
My Panhandling Seminar Includes . . .
1. Having professional-looking business cards printed up with the men’s names on each card. “Joe Bill Walsh, Professional Material Transfer Specialist” now that sounds professional.
2. The man who the panhandler hands he card asks, “What is a material transfer specialist?” Our panhandler, looking business-like says, “Well, we can remove any excess cash or change you do not want in your pants pocket for this is how I make a living, sir,” “So you are a bum?” the new client asks. “Do I look like a bum? Does a bum wear a nice three-piece suit like this? Huh?” the panhandler replies. “Well, uh, no, now that you mention it. If you wanted money for eating, why didn’t you just ask for it?” the man says reaching into his wallet and brings out a $20-dollar bill for the grateful panhandler who shakes the man’s hand and thanks him sincerely. That’s my new system at work. Give a panhandler a new title, some decent clothes, a new image of himself and he can move the world.
3. Only one panhandler per city block. And not all of my students on the same block at any given time. And only ask wealthy men and women for change for a meal, not the average man who works for his family. The way I figure this is that if the wealthy of our country will not pay their fair share of taxes, my panhandling students, now reborn into Material Transfer Specialists can collect the taxes from them a dollar or a quarter at a time.
4. My Material Transfer Specialists will never “talk to a wealthy man or woman” when the police is near. But the Material Transfer Specialist is always nice to the cops. Even gives them some coffee once in awhile. And to help them out, reports suspicious activities going on in the dark alley a few blocks down the street. Gaining the police confidence and trust never hurts a Material Transfer Specialist.
5. I even teach these ex-panhandlers how to file their income taxes like real American citizens.
My system, barring no foreseen legal problems, internal friction, could easily in about eight years have men working again, I know of 12 men who are working every day except Sunday, for respect, due to my System of Rebuilding Panhandlers Into Material Transfer Specialists.
- The police are much happier at patrolling cleaner, drug-and-gang-free streets.
- Money is being saved at every level in our country.
- Unemployment numbers are falling.
- New retail businesses are just straining to locate in the towns where my system has been put into operation.
- Superman can now take vacations.
- The President, Senate and House are all happy as larks.
- No political scandals are reported for there are none happening.
- Birds are singing in the trees again.
- Taking long evening walks in the dark with a loved one is also making a social comeback.
- Television news has to scratch for negative news to report.
- People all across the country are happy again--smiling, holding hands, having picnics in the city park that was once controlled by drug pushers.
There is a new, electricity in the air these days in our country, an attitude that hasn’t been seen in years. . . .
The attitude that says, “Give Superman, 12 Reformed Panhandlers, Kenneth Avery and a little help from Lois Lane, a few weeks, and the United States we once loved, is back. Bigger. Better. Stronger than ever.