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The Resumes We Don't Submit

Updated on July 10, 2019
Running With Scissors profile image

For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips. -Proverbs 8:7

Why do we hold back?

Early elimination

Companies go to great lengths to "really know" candidates, but only after a candidate's resume passes through a recruit-bot (also knows as Automated Tracking System or ATS).

If the keywords are not there- instant Checkmate.

Two moves ahead

Beating the recruit-bot is only difficult if a potential candidate values transparency. Experienced professionals will finely tune resumes by summarizing a lengthy career in an aesthetically pleasing one-page summary; filled with white space, a few achievements, and saturated with keywords matching the potential employer's Job Description. The means in which those accomplishments were achieved are usually excluded.

Fact: "Avoiding disaster" and "damage control" are not on LinkedIn's 2019 List of Top Job Skills. Cloud computing is apparently in much higher demand.

You may as well write "I'm basic" as the headline.

Did I really just write that out loud?

Play the opening like a book, the middlegame like a magician, and the endgame like a machine.

— Rudolph Spielmann
Your move boss.
Your move boss.

Phone Screening

Once a candidate's resume has successfully defeated the ATS, a phone screening with an actual person will verify that the potential candidate:

  • Is a human
  • Has a strong elevator pitch
  • Balances likability with professionalism


Upon verifying the candidate is indeed human, the recruiter will schedule a series of in-person interviews with current employees in similar positions and perhaps a hiring manager. Interviewers will be provided a list of open-ended questions designed to bust faulty resume keywords and determine if applicant's background will add value to the company.

Exercise extreme caution with adding too much value. Posing as a threat will likely result in, "I bid thee a fond farewell Felicia."

The smell of victory in the morning.
The smell of victory in the morning.

Check & Mate.... almost.

If a candidate has made it this far, the potential employer will assign Personality and IQ assessments designed to quantify:

  • Strengths
  • Weaknesses
  • Aptitude
  • Sociopath tendencies
  • Overall "fit"

CAUTION: Do not take personality assessments after drinking, going to Wal-Mart, or driving in traffic.

Assessment results will be analyzed by a super-bot and Corporate Psychologist. If results indicate a narrow margin of perfection, a summary will be provided to the decision-maker, including applicant's market value, salary demands, social media recognizance, and one-page summary highlighting attributes that the candidate intentionally excluded from his or her resume.


The Real Resume

Professional Summary

Mid-tenure go-to girl with 10+ years in crisis management. Energized by impending doom with excellent reputation for coming through clutch.

Areas of expertise include:

  • Avoiding disaster
  • Delivering disturbing news
  • Damage control
  • Figuring out a solution before most realize there is a problem

Professional Experience

Goliath Financial- Entry-level 20-Something, 02/2007 - 05/2012

  • I came here for a 2-week temp job
  • They asked me to stay

Goliath Financial- Big Girl Promotion, 05/2012 - 06/2017

  • Took on project way beyond pay grade after highly respected executive hired incapable college buddy to handle unprecedented crisis
  • Developed critical skills watching Youtube
  • Learned how to stay awake longer than 3 days
  • Got yelled at a lot
  • 5 car accidents in 1 year
  • Steamy affair with senior colleague
  • Mild PTSD

Goliath Financial- Go-To Girl & Assistant VP, 06/2017 - Current

  • New female supervisor
  • Downward envy is a thing
  • Workplace bullying is real
  • Retaliation is dangerous
  • Major depression, Panic Disorder, Severe PTSD
  • Leave of Absence

71% of U.S. employers react to reports of abusive conduct in ways that harm targets

61% of bullies are bosses; in 63% of incidents the perpetrator operates alone

— 2017 Workplace Bullying Institute U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey

Additional Skills

  • Coming through clutch
  • Resilient AF
  • Loyal
  • Most people like me

I'd hire me.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my first blog.

-Running with Scissors

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 Running With Scissors


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