Ways to Train New Employees to Get You Out of Training New Employees

You have "got the world by the tail."

You are considered a “happening” man, single, popular, and very important to your bosses at the office where you work. You are the employee with the highest seniority, most experience, and knows his way around every aspect of your company. Some say that your job next year will be the general manager, but you are humble-hearted. “If that’s the plan for my life, well, I will take the job,” you modestly-reply.

Your bosses love you because you are always invited in-person for all company parties. Face it. You have “Got the world by the tail.” You earned it. You never shunned the hard tasks, but tackled them just like you did when you played football on your high school team that won back-to-back-to-back state championships. Every college football power began recruiting you in the 11^th grade. When you graduated, you went to a noted college for your business degree instead of playing football on a scholarship. This was a smart move, your elders say.

Man, isn't great to be you

It’s Monday morning and you are awakened with the most-gorgeous sunshine you have ever seen. The birds are singing, butterflies are flitting from one flower to the other and you feel fantastic. You are so thankful for another da of life. Now to the kitchen for your morning pick-me-up that consists of a slice of toast gently browned with a small amount of homemade jelly, orange juice, a few daily vitamins, and a half-cup of coffee.

On the way to work you suddenly remember “the” main reason why you have been so successful and so very happy that can be described as “happiness beyond barriers”: For the last few years the boss has not made you responsible for training new employees in your work area. You loathe this task of trying to teach the unteachable, as you are know to say, and you must have mastered the art of avoiding the miserable task.

You are also a huge Spider-Man fan. You have always admired how this super hero somehow knows when danger is lurking by listening to his “Spider Sense,” which causes his neck to tingle like a sparkler from a Fourth of July party that has gone wild and went down an innocent man’s shirt.

Looks like you are "in the cross-hairs"

If there were such a thing as “Spider Sense,” it is surely working now, for as you walk into your work area, your neck starts tingling like a demonic-allergy. Sweat forms on your face, Your hands feel clammy and your back starts itching so badly that you are tempted to ditch work and head back home.

But before you can make a clean get-away, your boss, an annoying gent, calls you to the side and informs you that “you” are to spend the next two days training the company’s newest employee. Now you understand why your neck was tingling and your back itching as well as sweat popping-out all over your body.

You have got to do something about this painful task. Training a new employee to you is similar to Superman’s kryptonite. It weakens you and makes you feel like a snail underfoot.

Then, without you asking, you get such a brilliant idea you think that you are in Stephen Hawkins’ body. The plan that is hatching in your mind is so diabolical and designed with such mastery, if emplemented right, you will never be asked to train another employee. Ever.

So the name of this plan, that the C.I.A. would envy, is entitled

Ways to Train New Employees To Get You Out of Training New Employees

You say to “Sissy,” the new employee, “I see that you were hired to run the phone and switch board, so I will give you the easiest and most-sensible ways to master this job and you will have a great time.”

• Always say in a stern voice: “Hi. This is The VoDon Engineering Company. We do not donate to charity.”
• Always tell the walk-in customers that “You had best be on your guard, this company has a background of playing the old “Bait and Switch Game.” They offer you a great deal and then when you sign the papers, what you get is not what you signed for.”
• Never show a customer any form of a smile. This tells the customer that you are weak and gullible. And can be taken advantage of very easily.
• Always speak in a loud and clear tone of voice. This company does not tolerate employees who are “soft talkers.”
• When customers waltz into the lobby, shove them against the wall and frisk them. If they get angry, you get angrier and tell them that this is the newest anti-terrorism safeguards handed-down by Homeland Security.
• Be ready to do some entertaining on your job. When you judge each customer to know where they originate from, start doing animal impressions to make them feel at home.
• Customers will sometimes say, “I want your firm to do some engineering work for me, but I do not want to spend a lot of money,” so you jump into action and say, “Whattaya want, something for nothing?” This will show them who’s boss.
• Come to work on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays dressed in camouglage. Oh, do not worry. You can take what cash you need from petty cash.
• Tell all new customers that unless they sign an oath of allegiance to The Preservation of The Memory of Adolph Hitler, they cannot do business with us.
• Always collect an “Advisor’s Fee,” of $30.00 for answering all company-related questions asked by customers. If they appear upset, tell them that it is the failing economy’s fault.
• To really get some free time, start telling customers, “I really think you are the type of customer who will beat us out of money, so good day.” Better safe than sorry.
• When customers call at nearly 10 a.m., tell them you will put them on hold and get back to them after your fifteen-minute break.
• And no matter what time a customer walks in to do business with us, tell them it is too near your lunch break, so just sit in the lobby for about an hour and a half until you finish eating.

Business question: Have you ever heard of a new employee and the employee with the highest seniority both being let-go in the same day?