ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Hubbing is a pain in the butt

Updated on April 5, 2009
Don't have those things in her hands
Don't have those things in her hands
This just looks wrong on so many levels
This just looks wrong on so many levels
Feed me, Cindy!
Feed me, Cindy!
I feel your pain, lady!
I feel your pain, lady!

Don't laugh, I'm in serious pain here!

When I put the jug (kettle) on an hour and a half ago to make myself a cup of coffee, I had every intention of relaxing with a cup of coffee, a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich left over from last night's barbie and maybe a pork chop and one of my home-made Italian sausages, and read one of the many books I greedily grabbed at out last book club meeting.  However, the kettle boiled and the water in it grew cold.  My butt got numb from sitting on my bed with the school macbook on my lap.  Now, my right butt cheek has moved beyond just being numb and now actually has a real pain.  It feels like it's badly bruised and I've been driven into by a manic Chinese driver in his car.  This brings me to the conclusion, that hubbing is nothing more than a pain in the butt. 

My kitchen downstairs is a disaster-zone resembling the after-effects of a tsunami or a small toddler's birthday party where there was no adult supervision.  I regret, deeply regret, telling all my friends last night to leave the dishes as the ayi was coming in today.  What a fool I was.  Today is Tomb Sweeping Day and is a public holiday.  No ayi and hubbing is a convenient way to forget about the mess downstairs.  At least I had the forethought last night, to clingwrap all the leftovers.  But I did see one last slice of Transkei Mud Pudding left in the serving dish.  If my butt wasn't so sore I'd try and beat my daughter to it.  I can hear her downstairs in the kitchen, trying to find a plate and a clean surface to work on to make her lunch.  She takes after her father.  Bloody child has eagle eyes.  I just know she's going to spot the last slice of Transkei Mud, and if I shout for her to leave it alone, she'll eat it just to spite me because she is a teenager.  That's what teenagers do.

I wonder if I should walk down to that other apartment complex and feed my friend's fish.  Maybe that'll exercise my butt that is now starting to cramp.  Butt, bum, arse, buttocks, toosh, tochas, posterior end or whatever you call it, just not the American word as in English it means something completely different and I definitely don't have a pain there.  Mpundus is the African word.  I quite like that, has got a good ring to it.  However, I'm sure the fish won't starve if I miss just one day.  Don't they eat each other if they get hungry, or those little green plants in their tank.  My butt is too sore to walk.  It's actually affecting my lower back now and my calf muscle.

I bought all these pirate dvds (oops shouldn't I have said that?  Is it not politically correct to mention it here) and haven't watched any yet.  My butt is stuck on my bed and I can't get up.  Tomb Sweeping Day.  Why do you need a whole bloody day to sweep tombs?  I don't think anybody except the emperors were buried in tombs, so who's tomb are they sweeping?  Jeez, my kitchen and dining area needs a sweep after that barbie.

Okay so what exercises can I do, except walking a kilometer to feed the fish, to get my butt functioning again?  Okay, what does the internet say.  Squats.  If I do that I'll look like the dog pic I used in the Doggy Doo Hub.  Also, I don't have that bar thing with weights on that the woman is holding in the pic, so that's out.  Okay, this other squat picture I looked at is just wrong.  No two ways about that.  Might split my pants if I did that and then my butt will catch a cold.  Next one, lunges.  Ouch, think I just pulled a hamstring, not sure about the glute.  But the pain in my butt is still there.  Step ups.  Mmmm.  Don't have a platform and the rickety windy spiral staircase I have might be dangerous if I tried it on that.  If I end up with my foot going through the gap between steps, I might end up with far more than a sore butt.  Also, maybe the stainless steel pins holding the cartilage together in my knee might pop out.  help!  Okay, my lower back is offically numb as well.  Hip extensions.  Nope, need a ball and a dumbell and have neither of those.  One-legged deadlift.  Jeez, I'll be dead if I try this.  Hiking.  Oh God, it's those blasted fish calling me to be fed.  They are sending me subliminal messages through the internet that they are needing to be fed.  I suppose I can hike up to my friend's apartment.  Biking.  Mmmm, my bike is in the garage.  Nah, not in the mood.  Walking.  Christ Almighty.  It's those fish calling again.  Running.  No, have shins splints from when I played hockey.  Kickboxing.  yep, I can go for that.  Just need to find a photo of my ex to use as a target.  Maybe I can get one off Facebook.

Oh well, I guess I might have to try and get up.  Both butt cheeks have gone now, as well as my lower back.  Maybe I can hobble slowly to the stairs and walk up and down them a few times.  Think I'll send me son to feed the fish.  He likes to be helpful.  Shooting pains now.  Is it possible to pull a muscle from just sitting?  Yikes, my son has just asked if he can eat the last slice of Transkei Mud.  Okay, my eagle-eyed daughter must have missed it.  But, seeing as my son is the chosen one to feed the fish, I'll grant him permission to eat it.  That way, he'll be more amenable to walking down the road to feed the fish.  Ahhhhhhhrrrrrrrrgggggg, almost up now.  But now, my feet have pins and needles.  Can't stand!  Can't stand.  Will just have to sit down again and continue hubbing.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      LOL...butt...butt...butt LOL! :) Thanks! Many grins! :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol, any advice for my sore butt?

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      What's his name? :)

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Hahahaha ROFLMAO!! Oh this is funny. welcome to hub addiciton dear. hahaha it's bad ain't it? I have a nice cushy chair to use, leather too. My wife puts a pillow on it for her uh, Mpundus. haha I like that too. You're seriously funny, wondered where ya went to. thanks for the laugh

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      I've had the same problems before when i was a newbie. my ass would get so numb i forgot i have one. anyway, what I do now is turn on my YM. so everytime a new hub by my favorites is published or a new comment to any of my hubs is made, it dings. So I do not need to stay in front of my computer all the time waiting for some action - specially when the hubtivity disinterests me. But sometimes I forget to turn my YM - but that's another problem :D

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      Yeah...someone needs to invent a butt friendly chair!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah butt friendly chair, hey like those ones for people who are bedridden and have a hole in the middle! Mmmm, quite like Cris's ding thing, but I'm not with YM and gmail doesn't ding. I really want to read this book, but I can't get away from here!

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      Truck drivers use sheep skin. That might help? :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Go and find me a sheep someone!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Go soak it in cider. that's what they always told me when i got hurt in construction. hahaha let you figure it out

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      The sheep CC? :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      mmmmm soak it in cider. Actually, might just have a nice long hot soaking bath with those dead sea bath salts I was given

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Tom, hahaha. Well cindy you have he most of your day left anyway. So what cha doin?

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Grrrr, might go and feed those blasted fish. They make me feel so guilty sitting here feeding my face on leftover BBQ

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      My fish are outside in my garden pond and happy. Reach for the stars my dear and you will be great. reach my dear, reach

    • profile image

      jjrubio 8 years ago

      great hub!! loved it!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      my butt is too sore to reach!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      hahahah, poor dear, I'd help ya out if i could, but i just can't reach that far. Now if it were yer toes, i might jump a shooting star and be ther in a sec. haha

    • Hawkesdream profile image

      Hawkesdream 8 years ago from Cornwall

      You have it, just as I and many others, what would we do without the hubs, think there would be more time? Nah cant imagine it, need my daily fix lollol

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      why cindy, i didn't know you can use your butt for reaching! but when you do, i guess you clamp and not grasp :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      yeah, maybe need to practice clamping my butt cheeks as part of my hubbing training. But, my daughter has decided to walk with me to feed the fish. So, there is hope for my butt after all

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      So true - hope springs eternal. Even for butts :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      yeah, my butt springs eternally when I walk

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      better than something springing from it though, while you walk :D

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I see you two are getting to know one another, don't mind me. just want to say, I will see ya maybe tomorrow. have fun now. g'nite

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      oh yuck Cris! that is just gross! i love it lol

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Don't get jealous CC, Cris is an old mate, we go way back, a few weeks now already lol. G'nite and sleep tight

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Gnight C! Cindy and I, we're tight since day one! Right Ms Vine? :D

      Cindy

      Of course you love it, that's why I don't hate you even when you stalk! LOL :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      hehehe but you're the stalker....I've had complaints. lol

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Now why would I be jealous of a boy. hehe No, I need bed, really, your butt and my stent is hurting from sittin here too much.

    • Feline Prophet profile image

      Feline Prophet 8 years ago from India

      Addicted to hubbing? Butt naturally! :P

      Well done Cindy!

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Cindy

      But of course, you ignored them just as I told you to do. Why Cindy, this is the beginning of a very long friendship! :D

      Off to bed then C., Keep warm now :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      ok 3pm must shower and dress and feed the fish

    • profile image

      J Mockridge 8 years ago

      Thanks for the laugh, but its only funny when it happens to someone else.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      True, I could hardly walk for quite a while!

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      You can get some chairs you sort of kneel on, rather than sit on. Try one of those?

    • lindagoffigan profile image

      lindagoffigan 8 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Cindy, thank you for reminding me to feed the fish.  I have been on this laptop for hours also putting in my quota of daily articles. I'll get up now and walk with you downstairs to get to that kitchen.  Come on you can do it.

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I see ya survived sissy. how's the bum? hahaha I forgot, I think I stalked cris one time and that's how our new uh, relationship started. Cris is a good leader to great stuff. haha

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey, I walked the 1.5km to feed the fish, and nearly wet my pants when a young Chinese boy walked down the stairs. His mum, my friend's ayi (maid) was upstairs and not expected today because it was a holiday.

      Londongirl, I haven't been able to kneel ever since I had my knee op and 5 pins put into my knee!

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      Cindy

      nice hub but it like a addiction

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Definitely an addiction, Lgali. How can I cure it? I have a book to write, and a big packet of books to read, a classroom and a house to start packing up?

    • MissJamieD profile image

      MissJamieD 8 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

      This is too funny:) I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one here who just wants to write and write, no matter the time, place, or subject. My brain is turning to mush talking about my relationship issues but unfortunately those are the thoughts that control me lately.

      I love reading what Hubbers have to say, no matter the subject. Hope your butt feels better:)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah, much better today! Have actually moved and done stuff today, but still managed to squeeze in a new hub a few minutes ago. I loved your latest hub by the way. Maybe you should think about doing what I did. I wrote a non-fiction book about abusive relationships and then a novel which is both funny and a story of escaping an abusive relationship. I found it very, very healing. Think about doing something like that, to make other people aware of what we had to go through, so they can take care not to follow us down that route.

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Hahahah you are a scream.Honest I love your dry humour its right down my alley.You know Cindy one day I was so tired, had one of those fancy nets around my bed. Got in bed, light my candle,accidentally ignited the mosquito net. I put it out pretty quick,and I rang the people in the next room for assistance as I far too tired to walk one more step.......oh hell yeah I suffer with the sore butt too

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol well, I never actually managed to set myself on fire!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      How's Ol' numby butt today? any feeling come back to it yet? haha

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      my butt is good it's my calves from walking down a mountain yesterday!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Well I never knew. See the old man did ya?

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      I'm thinking wii so I can play tennis in my lounge room. That may help.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah Jewels, I bought a boot camp dvd but have been too scared to try it out?

      CC, what old man? Noah?

    • 1964human profile image

      1964human 8 years ago from Smallville Kansas

      Cindy,

      OMG I love your stuff. To do my best writing I have to be in the mood. There is nothing like popping in, over here, to do that for me. THANK YOU THANK YOU

      Bo

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Cindy, the Old man that sits on the mountain top, you know, the Beatles sang about him.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hi Bo, glad you're enjoying it! Yours is pretty good as well!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Aye CC, beatles was a little before my time. smiles.not

    • monicapeterson001 profile image

      monicapeterson001 8 years ago

      You're way funny, I love your hubs! :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Monica, glad you're enjoying them!

    • Lissie profile image

      Elisabeth Sowerbutts 8 years ago from New Zealand

      LOL very good hub and completely relate! Though did get off my butt today to have a swim - gotta love Perth - swimming at the beach in April!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      You're lucky Lissie! We're supposed to be in full on Spring here in China and it's raining today!

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hahahaha I enjoyed reading your pain in the butt tale Cindy. And the pins and needles? LOL Anyhow here is what I do when I have pains and needles, I massage the soles of my feet by pressing it before standing! That works for me...also helps after sitting down in indian squat after meditating. :-) Happy hubbing always...

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      What is an Indian squat, Ripplemaker?

    • Susan Ng profile image

      Susan Ng Yu 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hubbing is more like a pain in the wrist to me.  I was foolish enough to try to write a hub every day, now my right wrist and shoulders are sore. :(  And I thought the hardest part was going to be thinking of what to write. :P  Oh wait, my spending too much time on facebook may have contributed as well.  Hehe. :P

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah Susan, I just had to take a nap, all this on the computer gave me a headache as well lol

    • Susan Ng profile image

      Susan Ng Yu 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Now that you've mentioned it, the sides of my head were throbbing last night, too. I turned off the computer and went to bed at 8pm! Is there a Hubpages virus going around causing this? Haha! :P

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Definitely, Susan, the virus is called Hub challenge. Check out my new hub on hubweeds stifling my hubpatch

    • Susan Ng profile image

      Susan Ng Yu 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I haven't caught the virus, but I'm manifesting its symptoms. Hehe. :P

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol Susan

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      sitting crosslegged. :-) When you try to stand, you can't because of the pins and needles! :-)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Ah okay Ripplemaker, will try that, thanks!

    • wittywriter profile image

      wittywriter 8 years ago from Concord New Hampshire

      Oh, my! You just totally made my day! LOL!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol, glad to have made your day, WW!

    • profile image

      Fishing games 7 years ago

      there any way i can increase my boob size or my butt size? can i eat somethin tuh make it ... Give it time.

    • brohhma profile image

      brohhma 7 years ago

      what a hub title...........hahaha!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Fishing games, sustained sitting on your butt while surfing the internet spreads the butt cheeks and allows fat to accumulate there. Hubbing should increase your butt size. As for boob size, have you tried to pump them up with a bicycle pump?

      Brohhma, glad you liked this title!

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 7 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      Hilarious - thank gawd for your sore butt so that we have your hubs to read

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Mythbuster, will have to try and get time to write some more. Am just flat out at the moment so have been neglecting my hubbing!

    • jezebellamina profile image

      Jessica 4 years ago from Dallas, TX

      Sorry to have to tell you this, cindyvine, but this super funny hub has been stolen and published nearly in full here (not hyperlinking so I don't give them a backlink):

      www.financeforpeoples.com/hubbing-is-a-pain-in-the-butt.html

      We are discussing this issue in a forum if you need info on how to file a complaint, etc. We have the site owner's info too. Please feel free to join the conversation - we are hoping to get HubPages involved but so far apparently we're on our own, despite the fact that this site is literally stealing thousands of hubs, word for word!

      http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/111219

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 3 years ago from Cape Town

      Now that is a pain in the butt! How annoying that there are hubstealers out there!

    Click to Rate This Article