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I'm Ready To Let It Go Now
Good morning, Good Afternoon, Good evening and Goodnight from wherever you are reading this! After a period of almost six months being in writer’s block land, I have returned with a bang. It may not be a big bang but at least I’m slowly rising up and taking the pen by its ink and scribbling whatever words I can master up to write. Before I return to my regular routine of writing informative and sometimes silly hubs, I thought I’d start my return to hubpages by explaining to you why I was absent for a long while and why I have been a bit odd lately. You see, last year brought a lot of changes to my life – unexpected and unwanted changes.
During the beginning of 2014, my best friend, Matty, decided to betray me by committing suicide. We had been friends for 22 years and no one knew more about him than I did and no one knew more about me than he did. He was a like a brother to me as we practically grew up together and we promised each other that no matter what happens, we will always tell each other everything and we will always have each other’s back. For 22 years we kept that promise and we always leaned on each other for comfort and support whenever one of us fell into hard times.
Well his hardest time fell when he discovered that his 12 year old daughter was not his biological daughter. His wife had cheated on him and the child belongs to his father. Yes, you heard me… his father! Stupid woman was having an affair with her father in law!! This completely broke him as she was always his favorite child. He spoilt her constantly and she truly was daddy’s princess. I was unaware of this predicament as he never told me anything regarding this. All I knew was that his marriage was falling apart and I was led to believe that it was one of those “diseases” that end up resulting in divorces. I did my duty and stood by him. A few hours before he ended it all, I was with him. I had made him my famous chocolate baked cookies diced with caramel toppings that he loved very much. He named them “TYCs” (Tasty Yummy Cookies). We talked and comforted each other during his grieving process and I had spent a lot of time at his house and was by his side as a trusted friend would do.
Shortly afterwards a call came for me. It was my sister, asking me for yet another of her many favors she frequently bombards me with. She asked me to pick up my nephew from school as she was stuck in a meeting and couldn’t get out of it. I reluctantly agreed because I did not want to leave Matty alone. But he insisted I go and get my nephew and just before I left he hugged me so tight and said “I love you. Thanks for always being there for me. I’ll always cherish you.” Little did I know those will be the last words I’ll ever hear him say and the last time I’ll ever see him. I didn’t pay much attention to the way he said those words because I was hurrying to pick up my nephew so I could come back quickly and be with him.
After I picked up my nephew and dropped him home, I rang his cell phone and it was switched off. I rang his pager and it was also switched off. I started to panic because he never switched off his phone. His phone always rang and if he didn’t answer it, he was mostly away from his phone. I instantly knew something was wrong so I drove straight to his home and he wasn’t there. His cell phone was on the table, the cookies plate was empty and there was a note on it that said “These were the best batch you’ve ever made.” I began to call out to him in panic and fear because I knew something was seriously wrong. Ruru, my golden retriever, was there with me and he was just responding to my fear and anxiety. I went to the back yard and he wasn’t there. I ran out to the street calling but no answer. Then suddenly I heard another dog barking from a distance towards the nearby park. Ruru sped towards that direction of where the dog was barking and I followed. I ran for a couple of minutes and there was the other dog and Ruru barking very loudly whilst looking up towards the large oak tree which was in the center of the park. Then I saw the legs of a man with pants exactly as the one Matty had worn. I looked up and there he was, hanging from the tree with a thick rope around his neck. I wailed so loudly and I climbed up the tree to untie the rope from his neck and bring him down. The owner of the other dog arrived and he helped me pull him down. By this time two other park walkers approached to offer their assistance. One called the emergency services while the other guy restrained me as I was just screaming hysterically. Matty was still alive but unconscious. Shortly afterwards, the paramedics arrived and they tried to revive him but he was gone.
How would you rate your level of forgiveness?
It was only after his death that I learnt about his daughter. I was angry at him and hated him for doing this to me. Why didn’t he tell me this? Why did he not confide in me about this as he always did in the past? Was our friendship not worth him staying around? Perhaps if I declined my sister’s favour, he would still be here enjoying many more of my TYCs. He didn’t leave a note. There was no sign that he planned to do this. He didn’t drink or smoke or do any drugs. He was a good, family man that supported and loved everyone around him. Until now, I still do not know why he did this and the pain of losing him has been haunting me ever since. Nevertheless I still stayed strong because his daughter is my god daughter and despite this mess, she needed someone to be a tower of strength for her, so I stepped in and forgot my pain for her sake.
Fast forward five weeks later, I lost my beloved dog, Ruru. This completely shattered me and I shut down completely. I could no longer work or write. I tried to make sense of all this but I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I even came to the hub pages forum just so I have a reason to wake up and surely enough a lot of you gave me encouraging words and rallied my spirits. I never mentioned the part about losing Matty because I was just too fragile. Nevertheless, I withdrew from everything and everyone. When my aunt died two weeks later, I couldn’t even attend her funeral as I was too weak and distraught.
It’s been ten months now and I have slowly come to accept that Matty and Ruru are gone. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I am still alive and I owe it to myself to live no matter what. Eventually, I decided to crawl out of my misery pit and continue with my work and writing. Two weeks ago, I logged in to my Hubpages account and found THIS waiting for me. Needless to say it just threw me back and I lost it. I became so angry that I remember smashing my laptop and breaking one of my favorite coffee mugs that I got when I visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona two years ago. The fury I felt was unbelievable. I lashed out so badly on the forums that I thought my life on Hubpages was over. In fact I was expecting them to shut down my account and kick me out. I even said goodbye to everyone because sure enough I felt that it was all over for me. Fortunately, many of you wonderful Hubbers supported me and when I read all the support and comments I realized that I needed to vent my anger of losing a big part of my life. Though I did not expect it to be on Hubpages!
I have come to realize that I needed to forgive myself first before I could move on. I needed to let go of my anger, my bitterness, my pride, my hatred and my selfishness. So that’s what I’m doing now, forgiving myself because I believe that I can’t forgive anybody if I can’t forgive myself first.
I visited Matty’s grave and I wept for several hours whilst being drenched in the cold rain and I finally told him that I forgive him. I’m no longer mad at him and one day if I’ll ever see him again, I will tell him I loved him too. I also went to Ruru’s grave and he may be a dog but to me he was my baby. Though he never wronged me in anyway, I resented him for leaving me even after he saved my life a couple of times. I know it’s weird to forgive a dog, but I have to release every negative emotion in me. It’s the only way I will survive.
How likely are you to "let it all go" after reading this?
To the Hubapge editors, I also forgive you for tampering with my work. I hope you will forgive me for lashing out at you and causing havoc in the forums. It wasn’t my intention but hey, we all do crazy things when we are hurting and discouraged.
To the Hubapages community, where some of you have become dear and lovely friends to me, I appreciate you and I thank you for being part of my healing process. I wrote this hub as part of my healing journey as it’s only just started. I hope to remain on this course till I can wake up one morning with a bright smile, a clean heart and know that I truly have let all my baggage go.
So the purpose of this hub is to remind you that it doesn’t matter what anybody has done to you. You must forgive them and move on. It is the only way you’ll survive living in this cruel and treacherous world. I’m glad that I can finally say without a shadow of a doubt, “I’m ready to let it all go now.”