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I'm Ready To Let It Go Now

Updated on February 22, 2015

Good morning, Good Afternoon, Good evening and Goodnight from wherever you are reading this! After a period of almost six months being in writer’s block land, I have returned with a bang. It may not be a big bang but at least I’m slowly rising up and taking the pen by its ink and scribbling whatever words I can master up to write. Before I return to my regular routine of writing informative and sometimes silly hubs, I thought I’d start my return to hubpages by explaining to you why I was absent for a long while and why I have been a bit odd lately. You see, last year brought a lot of changes to my life – unexpected and unwanted changes.

During the beginning of 2014, my best friend, Matty, decided to betray me by committing suicide. We had been friends for 22 years and no one knew more about him than I did and no one knew more about me than he did. He was a like a brother to me as we practically grew up together and we promised each other that no matter what happens, we will always tell each other everything and we will always have each other’s back. For 22 years we kept that promise and we always leaned on each other for comfort and support whenever one of us fell into hard times.

Well his hardest time fell when he discovered that his 12 year old daughter was not his biological daughter. His wife had cheated on him and the child belongs to his father. Yes, you heard me… his father! Stupid woman was having an affair with her father in law!! This completely broke him as she was always his favorite child. He spoilt her constantly and she truly was daddy’s princess. I was unaware of this predicament as he never told me anything regarding this. All I knew was that his marriage was falling apart and I was led to believe that it was one of those “diseases” that end up resulting in divorces. I did my duty and stood by him. A few hours before he ended it all, I was with him. I had made him my famous chocolate baked cookies diced with caramel toppings that he loved very much. He named them “TYCs” (Tasty Yummy Cookies). We talked and comforted each other during his grieving process and I had spent a lot of time at his house and was by his side as a trusted friend would do.

Shortly afterwards a call came for me. It was my sister, asking me for yet another of her many favors she frequently bombards me with. She asked me to pick up my nephew from school as she was stuck in a meeting and couldn’t get out of it. I reluctantly agreed because I did not want to leave Matty alone. But he insisted I go and get my nephew and just before I left he hugged me so tight and said “I love you. Thanks for always being there for me. I’ll always cherish you.” Little did I know those will be the last words I’ll ever hear him say and the last time I’ll ever see him. I didn’t pay much attention to the way he said those words because I was hurrying to pick up my nephew so I could come back quickly and be with him.

After I picked up my nephew and dropped him home, I rang his cell phone and it was switched off. I rang his pager and it was also switched off. I started to panic because he never switched off his phone. His phone always rang and if he didn’t answer it, he was mostly away from his phone. I instantly knew something was wrong so I drove straight to his home and he wasn’t there. His cell phone was on the table, the cookies plate was empty and there was a note on it that said “These were the best batch you’ve ever made.” I began to call out to him in panic and fear because I knew something was seriously wrong. Ruru, my golden retriever, was there with me and he was just responding to my fear and anxiety. I went to the back yard and he wasn’t there. I ran out to the street calling but no answer. Then suddenly I heard another dog barking from a distance towards the nearby park. Ruru sped towards that direction of where the dog was barking and I followed. I ran for a couple of minutes and there was the other dog and Ruru barking very loudly whilst looking up towards the large oak tree which was in the center of the park. Then I saw the legs of a man with pants exactly as the one Matty had worn. I looked up and there he was, hanging from the tree with a thick rope around his neck. I wailed so loudly and I climbed up the tree to untie the rope from his neck and bring him down. The owner of the other dog arrived and he helped me pull him down. By this time two other park walkers approached to offer their assistance. One called the emergency services while the other guy restrained me as I was just screaming hysterically. Matty was still alive but unconscious. Shortly afterwards, the paramedics arrived and they tried to revive him but he was gone.

If Jean-Luc Picard is ready so am I!
If Jean-Luc Picard is ready so am I!

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It was only after his death that I learnt about his daughter. I was angry at him and hated him for doing this to me. Why didn’t he tell me this? Why did he not confide in me about this as he always did in the past? Was our friendship not worth him staying around? Perhaps if I declined my sister’s favour, he would still be here enjoying many more of my TYCs. He didn’t leave a note. There was no sign that he planned to do this. He didn’t drink or smoke or do any drugs. He was a good, family man that supported and loved everyone around him. Until now, I still do not know why he did this and the pain of losing him has been haunting me ever since. Nevertheless I still stayed strong because his daughter is my god daughter and despite this mess, she needed someone to be a tower of strength for her, so I stepped in and forgot my pain for her sake.

Fast forward five weeks later, I lost my beloved dog, Ruru. This completely shattered me and I shut down completely. I could no longer work or write. I tried to make sense of all this but I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I even came to the hub pages forum just so I have a reason to wake up and surely enough a lot of you gave me encouraging words and rallied my spirits. I never mentioned the part about losing Matty because I was just too fragile. Nevertheless, I withdrew from everything and everyone. When my aunt died two weeks later, I couldn’t even attend her funeral as I was too weak and distraught.

It’s been ten months now and I have slowly come to accept that Matty and Ruru are gone. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I am still alive and I owe it to myself to live no matter what. Eventually, I decided to crawl out of my misery pit and continue with my work and writing. Two weeks ago, I logged in to my Hubpages account and found THIS waiting for me. Needless to say it just threw me back and I lost it. I became so angry that I remember smashing my laptop and breaking one of my favorite coffee mugs that I got when I visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona two years ago. The fury I felt was unbelievable. I lashed out so badly on the forums that I thought my life on Hubpages was over. In fact I was expecting them to shut down my account and kick me out. I even said goodbye to everyone because sure enough I felt that it was all over for me. Fortunately, many of you wonderful Hubbers supported me and when I read all the support and comments I realized that I needed to vent my anger of losing a big part of my life. Though I did not expect it to be on Hubpages!

I have come to realize that I needed to forgive myself first before I could move on. I needed to let go of my anger, my bitterness, my pride, my hatred and my selfishness. So that’s what I’m doing now, forgiving myself because I believe that I can’t forgive anybody if I can’t forgive myself first.

I visited Matty’s grave and I wept for several hours whilst being drenched in the cold rain and I finally told him that I forgive him. I’m no longer mad at him and one day if I’ll ever see him again, I will tell him I loved him too. I also went to Ruru’s grave and he may be a dog but to me he was my baby. Though he never wronged me in anyway, I resented him for leaving me even after he saved my life a couple of times. I know it’s weird to forgive a dog, but I have to release every negative emotion in me. It’s the only way I will survive.

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To the Hubapge editors, I also forgive you for tampering with my work. I hope you will forgive me for lashing out at you and causing havoc in the forums. It wasn’t my intention but hey, we all do crazy things when we are hurting and discouraged.

To the Hubapages community, where some of you have become dear and lovely friends to me, I appreciate you and I thank you for being part of my healing process. I wrote this hub as part of my healing journey as it’s only just started. I hope to remain on this course till I can wake up one morning with a bright smile, a clean heart and know that I truly have let all my baggage go.

So the purpose of this hub is to remind you that it doesn’t matter what anybody has done to you. You must forgive them and move on. It is the only way you’ll survive living in this cruel and treacherous world. I’m glad that I can finally say without a shadow of a doubt, “I’m ready to let it all go now.”

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    • swilliams profile image

      Emunah La Paz 2 years ago from Arizona

      Dear Merida, What a bittersweet Hub. Words can never eas the sting that death causes. Matty and your beloved dog Ruru, made a meaningful impact in your life. Your faith keeps you strong! Some people are very tenderhearted to the point in which this world can become a form of hell in which death seems more peaceful than life. Continue to cherish the joy of your loved ones. And thank you for sharing your journey with others. God Bless You Merida!

    • sallybea profile image

      Sally Gulbrandsen 2 years ago from Norfolk

      Annegma

      I am so sorry for your loss. This is a real tribute to loved ones, both human and animal. I can only imagine what a difficult this time you have been through. I hope the days and weeks ahead will bring you peace and happiness.

    • The Examiner-1 profile image

      The Examiner-1 2 years ago

      This was touching Aneegma I am glad that you made it through it all and came out better than before. The only thing that happened to me was losing my Mom (from Scotland) in 2010 and my Dad back around 2000. I was not affected as badly by them.

      All that I can say is keep on going - life does.

      Kevin

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Bill, thank you for your lovely comment! And how right you are x

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Audrey, thank you very much for your kind words. Thank you for your prayers too and I appreciate you taking the time to comment on this. Thank you!

    • brakel2 profile image

      Audrey Selig 2 years ago from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

      Hi Aneegma - I am so sorry for your pain, and cannot believe that such terrible things happen. I am an emotional person and just heard a story yesterday about "going with the flow". It sounds like you are doing that now. I will pray for you and hope you will find some kind of peace with these tragedies. Three at one time is so much to take. I hope this hub helps you heal, and I wish you success now and down the road. I feel badly for you about your hubs , but I guess they are fixed now, to some extent. Sending light and peace your way. Blessings, Audrey

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      It's a lesson I had to learn, painfully, over time. There are just some things in life I have no control over. Bad things happen to good people. I wish it were not so, but it is. I'm sorry for your pain.

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Peg! Thanks for the hugs! I do need them. Thanks for your lovely comment too x

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 2 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      You've really been through a rough patch where it seems like everything hit at once. I'm glad to have read your story and to empathize with what you've faced over the past few months. I really sorry about your loss of your best friend and for the tragic way in which it happened. I send you my deepest sympathies in your grief.

      As a dog lover who has said goodbye to many over the years, I can truly understand the sadness and sense of loss that their passing can bring. As you continue to heal I wish you all the best. Sending hugs, friendship and prayers for you.

      Kind regards, Peg

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Word, You know I have absolutely no idea if I have strength or where it comes from! Thank you so much for your lovely comment.

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Crisp, thank you for landing on my hub. I must build a pad so you can land more safely haha. Thanks for stopping by. Appreciate your comment.

    • word55 profile image

      Word 2 years ago from Chicago

      Hi Aneegma, I'm glad to see you back and strong. You haven't spoken of where your true strength came from but I sense that it has to be very spiritual. I still don't understand why your hubs were tampered with. I wish you much spirituality, love, success and blessings ahead!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 2 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      So sorry about your loss. It is indeed sad but I'm glad that you're ready to let go now and grateful that I've landed on this hub of yours. I wasn't aware of HP editing our hubs automatically until after reading this. I guess, I miss that memo. :)

      Love, light and twinkle to you from the sky. ~

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Nell, Thank you so much. I love hugs and I'm sure you're hugs are very warm and big which I love!! Thanks for your support.

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      John, as usual you're just the best!! Thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate you always!

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Always Exploring (Love the name!) Thank you for taking the time to read this. I have already started looking for a new pet and still unsure what to get so I'm taking it slowly. Thanks!

    • Aneegma profile image
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      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Hi Jackie, I have actually thought about that shame and I probably would have done the same and not tell a soul if I was in that position. But you are right. You just don't really ever know a person no matter how long they've been in your life. Thank you so much for stopping by.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

      Hi, I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend, that must have been so terrifying and sad, sometimes horrible things happen and afterwards we always say, what could I have done? sometimes you feel you have to forgive, them and yourself, but there is nothing to forgive.

      Then your lovely dog, followed by your aunt. there are no words.

      I feel for you, something similar happened to me back in the 90s, one after the other, so I know how you are feeling. Well done for coming back, you are so strong, and it will get easier for you, take care, and a big hug sent your way from me, nell

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Wow! Aneegma, just excuse me as I wipe away a tear. I knew the tragic death of Ruru hit you hard, but now I understand even more. Following Matty's terrible suicide. I have lost dogs and have one that I think is on death's door now (old age) however I have never lost a person close to me in that way. Until you go through that you can never know how you'd handle it. I can see why the "HubPro" editing hit you so hard and made you so mad. It would have been the last straw. Thank you for writing this hub and explaining what you went through. I am just glad that you decided to stay at Hub Pages, and even though it wont be easy, keep writing your great hubs. I'll be sure to read every one. Hugs.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Your story touched me deeply. I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing. God bless you. Find another pet to love..Peace...

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 2 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Such a sad story. Apparently it really shamed your friend about his wife and father so much he could never tell you. Hard to understand suicide for such a reason but unless we are in that position we just can't judge.

      Thanks for sharing this. Maybe it will help someone.

      ^+