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Orphans? They're My Problem?

Updated on September 15, 2011
Face-and-shoulders view of a SCUBA diver, with noticeable equipment
Face-and-shoulders view of a SCUBA diver, with noticeable equipment | Source

Legal disclaimers and other organizational details...

I don’t have any children. Least wise…none that I am aware of. It should be noted that I do not periodically conduct paternity surveys to find potential spawn issue…nor…should this be considered an invitation for others to deliver this disturbing information to me.

That being said…kids are great… when they are somebody else’s and sleeping.

As such… this latest literary offering has me feeling a certain sense of discomfiture as I question my qualifications to address this heartrending topic.

What happens when they’re not someone else’s kids…and what if they are not asleep?

Being a functioning member of our society, I believe that we are predisposed to help the weakest and neediest of our citizens. If not us…then whom?

I can’t help but think, however, that there are better qualified people for this particular task.

I was geared up as I thought I should be…again…no real frame of reference.

I was wearing blue surgical scrubs and the prerequisite paper hat and mask; however, I was unable to fit the paper booties over my swim fins. I had brought along a few specialty items as well…

Largely shielded from the realities of the birthing and children-ing processes…I had images of biblical floods of amniotic fluid suddenly engulfing the building in a cloyingly sticky fruit-cocktail type heavy syrup…

As such, I had wisely included the before mentioned swim fins, along with, goggles, snorkel, nose and ear plugs, and a spear-gun. I was determined to be ready for any contingency. I also had some candy for the older kids…


Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched in the 1975 film, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched in the 1975 film, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. | Source
Source
A view of the door to a maximum security cell in the Old Montana Prison, displaying the screen on the outside of the bars to protect guards from the sloshing of the "honey bucket"
A view of the door to a maximum security cell in the Old Montana Prison, displaying the screen on the outside of the bars to protect guards from the sloshing of the "honey bucket" | Source
Source

Nurse Ratched…

My fins beat an aquatic rhythm as I slapped my way across the clean linoleum floor to the nurse’s station. The room was airy and spacious with cartoon figurines adorning the walls in colorful and fanciful poses. Toy boxes stand ready to be ransacked by precocious children. The air smells slightly of disinfectant and freshly baked cookies.

“Hi,” I announce to the woman behind the counter, “ I would like to look at some orphans. I have candy.”

She was wearing a yellow nurse’s uniform. Peering over her horn-rimmed glasses at my get-up she asks suspiciously, “What exactly are you expecting to find back there?”

“Children.” I was surprised by her question. Her being a professional in the field…I assumed it would be obvious.

“Why do you have a loaded spear-gun?” She probed, “Do you intend to show the children how it’s used? Is this a show-and-tell? OH! Are you here to do a clown show?!”

My actual purpose for the loaded spear-gun was to keep the grubbier of the critters at arms length. I was riding a vibe from the woman, however, that suggested this answer would not allow egress past the electronically locked door. Still? A clown? (Shudder).

“My dear woman, I am not now…nor have I ever been…clown affiliated. I would be willing to show my loaded spear-gun to the children, however.” I answer in a dignified tone.

“Do you have loaded spear-gun certified-training?”

“Certainly.” With a flourish I provided the necessary Wal-Mart receipt. “I do indeed. ‘Roger’ from sporting goods (and paint) explained the essential details.”

“How did you get in the building?”

“I believe they were having an evacuation drill,” I admitted, “When I entered everybody started scattering. I took the elevator up.”

“You can’t bring that spear gun back there. Do you have any other weapons?”

I considered whether a poorly thrown Chinese fighting star constituted a weapon. “No.”

“Well, you can’t bring that near the children. You will have to leave it here at the nurse’s station.”

I hesitated. The thought of ‘bearding the lion’ in his den without any defense other than an, inaccurately thrown, Chinese fighting star gave me pause. Still…the (cleaner) kids needed me…

“Will I get a receipt?”


'Orphans.'     Oil on canvas
'Orphans.' Oil on canvas | Source
Tending Children at the Orphanage in Haarlem Jan de Bray  Oil on canvas  1663.
Tending Children at the Orphanage in Haarlem Jan de Bray Oil on canvas 1663. | Source
Actress Angelina Jolie and Actor Brad Pitt
Actress Angelina Jolie and Actor Brad Pitt | Source

Wait…is that? It is…

I’ve walked the halls of many a Humane Society holding area and the cost of the fare is usually a small part of my soul. This was different. This was worse. Perhaps it was the sentient nature of these poor lost creations. I wished I had brought more candy…

I walked through the wards and loitered in the day-room…moving through the building I witnessed the lost offspring of numerous races, creeds, nationalities, and beliefs. Each of the creations were languishing in splendid isolation…torn asunder from home, family, hearth, and friends.

Moving towards a specific ward, at the direction of Nurse Ratched, I was unwrapping one of the children’s (banana flavor) Starburst, when I stopped in astonishment. Wait…is that? It is…It made sense…still…

Not fifty-feet away was Angelina Jolie walking up the aisle with a shopping cart. Periodically she would stop, pick up an orphan, kiss it on the cheek, and put it in her cart. She moved around the corner... Wow.

Movement from the right gains my attention as Brad Pitt comes struggling up. Every manner of child seemed to be gripped upon every part of his body. His eyes were hollow pits of despair.

“Kill me,” He pleads as he comes level with me.

“Sorry Bro,” I commiserate as I hand his kids some candy, “Nurse Ratched took my spear-gun.”

With a groan he stumbles after his stunning wife…trailing children like drops of pancake mix on a hot griddle…

Before he had a chance to cover too much distance, I idly considered trying to chuck a Chinese fighting star into his back (you know...to put him out of his misery), before noticing I was at my destination…


Orphan girls at the Aleppo Armenian orphanage 1923
Orphan girls at the Aleppo Armenian orphanage 1923 | Source
Source

ThoughtSandwiches Ward...

I compared the list in my hand against the eighteen names on the chart...I was in the right place...

Gazing down at the ‘account setting’ page on my computer, I saw that each of my eighteen hubs was sitting in splendid isolation.

I had recently read on the Hubpages Learning Center that it was important to organize your individual Hubs into related groups. This affords a better presentation of your material while helping to drive increased traffic to your hubs.

Hubs, not so grouped, are known as ‘Orphan Hubs’. Orphaned hubs, unaffiliated with any type of group, fare less well in internet searches.

In a process that, I have to assume, is easier than changing a baby’s diaper…grouping your hubs is a simple task…I started off small.

I had recently published a six part series entitled, A Writer’s Hero Journey, and I intended to group them together under the category of ‘Literature’.

1)On your ‘accounts page’ click the ‘Groups’ Icon towards the top.

2) Add new Groups

a)A drop-down menu will provide you with a place to name your new group

b) Should you decide to rename this group, it is readily done within the ‘edit’ feature.

3) Edit Hub Group

a) Clicking the ‘edit’ icon allows you to rename your Group name.

b) Additionally, with simple drag and click movements, you are able to change the appearance of your Group within your status box.

4) No adoption is necessarily a given…should you decide to delete the group you can do so by hitting the ‘Delete’ Icon without throwing the baby out with the bath water. The enclosed hubs simply revert to ‘orphaned’ status.


Source

Leaving the Building…

I was drained. Like the sad walks through the animal shelter halls…this experience took a toll. More to the point…I had finished all the candy. I also needed a Mountain Dew.

As I made my way out I couldn’t help but notice a ruckus, of alphabetical proportion, by the nurse’s station.

FBI, ATF, DEA, IHOP, and various other municipalities and acronyms were clustered around Nurse Ratched and looking at my loaded spear-gun.

Damn. I really wanted a Mountain Dew. I wasn’t confident that one, poorly thrown, Chinese fighting star would get me to the vending machine downstairs…

It was then that the celebrity couple, pushing several filled shopping carts, came up to me. The children, moving about in a swirling cacophony of sound and grubbiness, provided the perfect cover.

Crouching down…I grabbed hold of Brad Pitt’s pants-leg and moved past the phalanx of police officers and (Internationally recognized) breakfast servers…


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    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Locknloaded,

      From your screen name...it's quite obvious that you have spent your fair share of time walking through orphanages as well! I'm very glad you liked it and thank you for stopping by and leaving a great comment!

      Thomas

    • profile image

      locknloaded81 5 years ago

      very much liked and loved your article! well written. keep up the good work :)) blessed!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      whalefeather...

      Thank you for stopping by and saying hi! I'm very glad you liked this!

      Thomas

    • whalefeather2 profile image

      whalefeather2 5 years ago

      LOL..A fun and informative read!!!

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      Thomas, you have a wonderful holiday also. I will spend part of the time placing orphans.

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      It's frustrating trying to figure out how to group every last one of 'em.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Diane,

      lol...I'm wondering if that would defeat the purpose?? The mathematical implications are simply beyond me!!

      Have a great and safe holiday!

      Thomas

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Debbie,

      lol...yeah...another lost aquatic weapon! It's OK though...I'll just go back to Walmart and hit up Roger from Sporting Goods (and paint)!

      Thank you for stopping by and peaking at my orphans...I'm glad you liked it!

      Thomas

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      I'm working on mine but I admit I am thinking of making a group called "orphan hubs." :-(

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      I have never laughed so hard in my life.. You are so funny!!.. sorry you didn't get a receipt.. LOL.....

      I do love the way you write.. it is awesome

      sharing

      debbie

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Audrey,

      Thank you for coming back for a second look at my "Orphs'! I've only got a few hubs that could be classified as "useful" and I'm glad you found this one being just that!

      Take care,

      Thomas

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      Came back to read this again! Your writing style is just so wonderful--clever, engaging--and so useful

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Susan,

      This WAS sneakily snucked in and you can hardly be blamed for missing it! After all, I came in wearing SCUBA gear and so you probably didn't recognize me and I snuckered (hmmm...both snucked and snuckered are also being displayed as misspelled...must be a glitch) out crouched down while holding Brad Pitt's pant leg.

      I'm chagrined to note that the only orphans that I've corralled up were those six listed in this story. Yeah...I'm Captain Unmotivated.

      Thank you my good Canadian friend for peeking at this and I'm certainly glad you liked it! You enjoy the holiday as well and please stay safe!

      Thomas

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Talk about late .... you wrote this 11 months ago and I'm just seeing it today for the first time. Snuck (as in sneaked , dang spell check is popping up) .....(how do you spell that word)... this one by me. I do hope that you've lined up all your orphans in a row and given them proper homes ... oops sorry meant groups. I still have a few stragglers that I'm not sure what to do with. Perhaps they'd be better off back at the orphanage, or maybe Angelina might take them off my hands.

      This was a hoot and I hope you have a fun Labor Day weekend.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Paula,

      hmmm...I've always known that I have an odd sense of humor and an even odder way of looking at things. That said, more than not, my occasional verbal outbursts are oftentimes viewed with askance from my friends and family.

      For instance...I'll respond with a nifty punchline that makes absolutely

      NO sense without the context of a 5,000 word build-up that NOBODY wants to sit through to get to the (rather) obscure point of my punchline. I get a lot of blank stares to be perfectly honest.

      lol...this writing "thing" has been beneficial in explaining to those "blank stares" that I actually do have a veeeeery long thread of thoughts that led me to randomly blurt out..."tree penises!" for no particular reason. Yeah...weird...

      There is more to life than laughter...it's called the boring parts. You're on to me! That first sack of endorphins are free...subsequent "fixes" will cost you part of your sanity.

      Thomas

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I can't even begin to imagine how that brain of yours, operates......are you missing a few cylinders or have a few too many? Your particular humor is obviously the kind that slays me......You must go into a mystical trance when you sit at the keyboard, and channel every great comedian and humorist ever. Oddly enough, you also appear to snap out of it and sound nearly sane in the comment section.

      On the other hand, by the time you get to the comments, you must be totally spent. Obviously you KNOW how incredibly funny you are..........if you are "on" like this, all the time in person, I would have to stay away from you. MATURE women are suppose to be aware of the fact that there's more to life than laughter. I need to practice for when I grow up. In the meantime, I'm hooked on your brand of endorphins.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Paula,

      You are lucky i'm wearing a SCUBA diving suit...would you like to hit off the air thingy? It might help...the last thing we want is for you to expire! I had a library book do that once...it was a nightmare.

      I'm glad you were able to laugh at orphans. That seems kind of harsh in print. Oh well...let's go get a Mountain Dew.

      Thomas

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Oh My God......THIS.....is the most hysterically and outrageously funny story I have ever read, heard,seen or imagined.....I am literally in pain & tears from uncontrollable laughter......someone needs to help me......I mustn't read you anymore......I AM going to expire.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Diane...

      lol....ORDER UP! Tasty sandwich...mustard only!

      Thomas

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      No mayo on my sandwich please ... or ketchup! Mustard only!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      hi Diane,

      I'm glad I was able to impart some knowledge...I'm usually not able to! Yeah...corral them orphans up and get them into a home of some type!

      Thanks for reading!

      Thomas

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      I didn't even know what an orphan was until I read this. I'm systematically placing mine into permanent homes.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Millionaire...

      I have since learned that is ALWAYS a good idea to bring extra candy with you to these places...and a Mountain Dew or two! Thank you for reading this and I'm so glad you found it entertaining!

      Thomas

    • Millionaire Tips profile image

      Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

      Oh my, this is hilarious! I have a shopping cart full of orphans that need families. Too bad you ran out of candy, I could use some!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Tammy,

      (slurping my Mountain Dew and fondling my bright shiny new quarter!)

      Thank you for your kind words Tammy! This hub should also explain why people do not typically allow me to babysit their children. Perhaps it's a wise choice on their part...?

      Thanks for stopping and saying hi!

      Thomas

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Cheers to you.. here is a Mountain Dew. And, I am putting a quarter in your slot as my reading fee. Only you could write a hub about orphan hubs and ninja throwing stars. You should really write novels with your highly artistic style. Great read!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Lovelovemeloveme,

      Ahh my new friend...it would appear that we are cut of the same cloth as regards our grubbier and shorter friends and family? LOL...nice. To be honest...that's why I get dogs!

      Thanks,

      Thomas

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Athena,

      You're more than welcome! I firmly believe that if you are going to write a helpful hub...ya might as well throw in a giggle or two to boot!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Thomas

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      jesseph86,

      I'm very glad you liked this and thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I greatly appreciate it!

      Thomas

    • Lovelovemeloveme profile image

      Lovelovemeloveme 5 years ago from Cindee's Land

      HAHA great hub. i too, share the same mindset. Kids are indeed great when they are someone else's kid, or sleeping. hahahaa

      Maybe this mindset will change in a few years though. Most likely. lol but til then, I like how u think! hahaha

    • Athena Clara profile image

      Athena Clara 5 years ago from California

      This article is really nice! Thank you for writing such a thought-inspiring and interesting one!

    • jesseph86 profile image

      jesseph86 5 years ago from Philippines

      this hub is great!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Hi Diane,

      It's my pleasure! Thank YOU for taking the time to read and comment. I truly appreciate it!

      Thomas

    • dianetrotter profile image

      G. Diane Nelson Trotter 5 years ago from Fontana

      How clever! Thanks for the advice on organizing Hubs!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Debbie,

      lol...and NOW you know why people won't let me babysit their kids! Probably a wise move all and all. I'm glad you found this hub and then found it enjoyable!

      Thanks for visiting!

      Thomas

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      this has to be the funnest hub. I just saw it on facebook..and I am so glad I got to read it.. I have to admit the babies and the bathtub.. too much

      blessings

      Debbie

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Linda,

      lol...THANKS!!

      pffft...damn straight I'm down for a trip! My mental frequent flyer miles are stacking up!

      Thomas

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Christina,

      Hello my good friend! Yours are very kind words and I must say that regardless of any "skillz" I may be faking...I got orphans all over the place! It's like "Boy's Town" over here...lol!

      Thank you for stopping by!

      Thomas

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      This hub was a superb share! Thank you!

      BTW: I knew you'd be willing! It wouldn't be a trip without you!:)

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Linda,

      As a rule...I like to leave children out of my writing because (let's be honest) it's just not a very wholesome environment for children in most my hubs. In terms of themes...yeah...this is the closest I could come!

      Hell yeah I'm ready to trip out on a trippy trip!

      Thanks for saying hi!

      Thomas

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Mary,

      Truth be told...I threw in the whole orphan hub info to justify placing this under the "help for hubber" category. That said, this one of the FEW "help for hubber" hubs that I put together that Hubpages staff didn't make me move to another category more reflective of the content. Go figure, huh?

      I'm very glad you liked it and that I was able to squeeze a giggle or two out of you!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Thomas

    • thougtforce profile image

      Christina Lornemark 5 years ago from Sweden

      Orphan hubs! It is easy to end up with orphan hubs since there are so many interesting things to write about. But with your skill of getting everything together so perfectly it seems impossible that you should have orphan hubs. I enjoyed reading this! Voted up, interesting and funny!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      I can so understand how this hub could be related to a childrens theme! You are such a trip! No, I don't want you to trip. How about taking a trip? On a trip? Tripping out? I have no idea...my mind is still with the orphan hubs! :)

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      I thought I was entering the Twilight Zone and laughed all the way through. Nice touch throwing in Hub Orphan information! It is immensely entertaining to be reading the rantings of an intelligent man leading up to useful information.

      Voted up, useful, and funny.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Keith,

      It was jumbled together but to answer you question...why does it make sense? Yeah...I'm never sure and usually surprised when it does! lol...I'm also surprised when it is informative!!

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave such a great comment!

      Thomas

    • profile image

      KDuBarry03 5 years ago

      Everything was so jumbled together, but it made sense why! This is a very informative and fun read! Voted up and away! I really have to sit down and organize my hubs into groups :)

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      hey Josh,

      So I heard a rumor...Is it true that you love "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"? I dunno...I just heard that somewhere... (It's a fav of mine as well!)

      Thank you for giving this one a read my friend! I'm glad I was able to provide a surprise and giggle this morning (it's my only real reason for being after all!)

      Thomas

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thomas,

      You had me guessing the whole entire time! The title, Nurse Ratched(love that movie by the way...Did I mention I love that movie?), the spear gun, the stinkin Chineese fighting star, the walmart issued receipt, the kids dangling from Brad Pitt, EVERYTHING!

      Very amusing read, I have voted up and across the board! Thanks for sharing Thomas!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Audrey,

      I dare say that I have been on Hubpages for eight months, written 39 hubs, and accumulated over 100,000 words in the process. I believe this may be the FIRST time one of my hubs helped someone or answered a question. (after wiping away this single tear of pride...I shall hit 'post comment').

      Thomas

      PS...Thanks for the follow!

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      You know, I was just wondering about how to change my generic "poetry" group to more specific ones so that my poems wouldn't drop off the map so fast, and here you are providing the answer! Thank you so much!!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      alocsin...

      It was a rambling path to get there, huh? I blame the swim fins...hard to maneuver!

      Thanks,

      Thomas

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Such extensive coverage with the unexpected path to Orphan Hubs. Voting this Up and Interesting.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Colin!

      Congrats on your 1000th follower! That is entirely due to the fact that you are one classy writer and friend my friend! I am always honored when you stop in good sir!

      Thanks,

      Thomas

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      ....well you always raise the bar my friend and inspire me - the epi-man - to come up with something - lol lol - and when THE MAN WITH NO PANTS calls you a stud - that means that Charlie Sheen is nervous - lol - what can I say after I just read something like this - world class presentation and all and destined for a post on my Facebook page with a direct link back here - well I don't use this word loosely so I will deliberately spell it wrong - but you sir - are a frickin' gene-yus!!!!!!

      lake erie time ontario canada 9:39pm listening to a simply fabulous band from the 80's called The Gun Club

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      snakeslane...

      You speak of giants when you mention Mark's name! I was very happy when I happened upon his little corner of the world!

      I am embarrassed to say I have not yet been able to figure out an actual 'How To" article. Not because of the authors...no...they are wonderful...I suck at things technical is all.

      Thanks for sharing my vision of what Brad Pit may be thinking about at times!

      Thomas

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 6 years ago from Canada

      I checked your profile page Thought Sandwiches and sure enough your orphan Hubs are all nicely tucked away in their beds. I can't wait to tidy up my page. This was worth the read, just for the Brad Pit sighting, and thank you for another Hub Pages mystery solved. Between you and Mark Ewbie I shall laugh my way through the learning process. Those actual "How To" aricles scare me something awful. Regards 2x today, snakeslane

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Hey Keith...

      Thanks for the stop by (again)! I agree with you...barbs are far easier to throw out there than the Chinese star thingies. But in the end I have to say...my kingdom for a loaded spear-gun! damn grubby little wretches...

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Yes those star thingies are tricky, barbs are much easier and you are pretty nifty with them. Cheers

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Nellieanna...

      I will not lie...I would not mind Angelina soothing my ruffled whatever(s).

      When I think about the timing of Angelina and Brad being able to soothe ruffled whatever(s)...and the shear amount of children (from different time zones and continents) ...I have to think it is difficult.

      No...I don't spend all that much time thinking about them...that would be weird...

      Thanks for the stop by! (oh...btw...that little story is finished...and i was gentle...)...like I imagine Angelina...

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      At least the star thingies would seem to have been accurate when inserted at close arm's length the way you contemplated. . . . Poor Brad. . . . But, then, after all, he still has Angie to soothe his ruffled - whatever. . . Those kids surely sleep sometimes! (or if not, maybe you could sell Brad the star thingie to quieten them down when appropriate. . . a little numbing stuff on the points, just enough to promote quiet dozing. Angie might appreciate that, as well!)

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image
      Author

      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Hi RNMSN...

      You my friend are incredibly wise in the ways of 'Chinese Fighting Star' release methods (I believe I am already following you but, if not, I will be doing so for your timely info). By appendage I assume you mean fingers, however, I will be tucking all of them in. Seems only prudent.

      I am certainly glad I was able to 'chuckle-up' your afternoon break with my orphan issues. You have paid me back nicely with your kind words.

      Please feel free to stop back any ole time(You may not want to come on Tuesdays though...)That said, you are always welcome here.

      Thomas

      btw, lol...sounds like you know Reno!!

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      Barbara Bethard 6 years ago from Tucson, Az

      this made a delightful afternoon break time Thought! kids...whew...keep em muzzled and leashed at all times is all I have to say

      oh and hold your throwing star between thumb and forefinger, keep the other appendages well tucked, bend your elbow and flick your wrist... find a tree to practice on! no use practicing on neighbors kids...specially in Reno..suns already baked their noggins hard as concrete :)

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Hypen...I have not but I am intrigued...as you can tell...I enjoy "out there"... Thanks for the heads up!

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      Brenda Barnes 6 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

      Well then, it must be What Is Q. Have you visited his galaxy? He is really out there!

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      I envy you Hypen...I will finish something and then I am an empty vessel until the next outlandish idea (or two combine) into another nonsensical hub. I do enjoy the process once it starts clicking though. I perused the Andy Rooney hub...very good stuff...alas, however...I am not he...the search continues...

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      Brenda Barnes 6 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

      I know what you mean. Most people go through that. My mind is so curious and full that I haven't been there yet. Surely one day I will. When I am silent it is because I am weary from typing. laugh

      Pithy prose....no need. I am still laughing from the mental image of Mr. Pitt shuddering from runny nosed kids.

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Hi Hyphen...welcome to the madness! Being your favorite Hubber (for the day) is indeed an honor.

      As such...I wish that I had some pithy prose to pass your way but the truth is...I'm in between stories...I could show you my shopping list...but it's just a first draft...I would be embarrassed.

      Outed in an AR hub? I'm intrigued...I shall follow you to see what this is about. Thank you for stopping by and your wonderful words of kindness.

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      Brenda Barnes 6 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

      Hilarious. I love the Jolie-Pitt scenario. The only thing I would add is the orphan screaming at stay rather than go with them. You are officially my favorite Hubber at least for the day. I think you are Andy Rooney in disguise on HP (see AR Hub) and I am going there right now to out you!

      https://hubpages.com/community/Is-Andy-Rooney-a-Hu...

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Jami...Alas...my mission here is done...I occasioned an unexpected giggle, snort from an un-expecting Hubber...sweet. Now...my room mates want me to babysit while they go catch a movie...where is that Chinese throwing star...Thanks for stopping by...please come back any time you want, my friend!

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      jami l. pereira 6 years ago

      Brilliantly amazing read ! i voted up and awesome and so on and so forth ! :) I even giggled and snorted my way throught his one too! Ha! :O

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Oh zerglot! (I cussed) as I worried that the Hubber Zerglot is on to me about trying to distract people's attention from my nefarious plan...I pull out a shiny set of keys in front of him in hopes of further distracting him with the jingling noise and flashy metal...

      Hey Zerglot...I would like to thank you for the stop bye and wonderful comment! Once again...Welcome to Hubpages!

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      Zerglot 6 years ago from Highland, Indiana

      Bahaha, you, sir, are an amusing man! And to think for a moment I thought you were about to lay waste to...an entire orphanage...with a spear gun...I hope everyone's right about this being an analogy...instead of just a quick change in the conversation to distract us...

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Ddraigcoch...I am busy updating my 'children dealing with kit' based on your suggestions! Yes...there is a reason why my children bearing friends don't ask me to babysit...dog-sit sure... I am very glad you enjoyed my Orphan story!

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      Emma 6 years ago from UK

      Oh man this is so funny!!

      As a mother of 4,my advice would be 1) Just do not bother with children, you already know why and have the right idea! 2) You would be better armed with a pack of baby wipes and earplugs. And maybe some hand gel to get rid of any germs that touch you. I mean germs, not euphamism of any sort for children.

      Whilst the hub had me laughing, the pictures almost had me weeping. And then I was grateful for the tip about my extremely disorganised hubs. So thank you kindly.

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      I was primarily worried cuz she...you know...took my spear gun.

      Moving day on Friday? Cross town? Cross country? I am sorry you have to do the moving thing...I am very glad that I am in no position to help (yeah...I'm a crappy friend). But I will TOTALLY organize the search parties (should) they become necessary...where did I put that throwing star...!

      As always...I love seeing your comments!

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      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      At first I was horribly tear jerked as I imagined you walking through the halls of orphaned children. I wiped my eyes, sobbed a little and my husband asked what was wrong. I told him how touched i was... and then you got to the point. I must say brilliant. I never would have associated the two before you came up with this wonderful hub. However, you have now sent me on yet another task of organizing my hubs. Frankily, I will have to get back to that. It is moving day on Friday and prep day tommorrow. I might be MIA for a bit... but I will be back... so no need for a search party just yet! :)

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      hi Lynda...I assure you that (other than for literary reasons) I am leaving the living breathing orphans to those better equipped for the job...both, professionals and Angelina and Brad! Thanks for stopping by and the wonderful comments!

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      lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      After many years in child protection I know one thing is true: all orphans yearn for that feeling of belonging. So please, leave the human ones to those better suited for the work, and without spear guns, and take care of those orphan hubs. You will feel better, knowing you're a good human being and did the right thing. Lynda

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      @ Alastar...lol...I've heard about that history dude, dude! Just finished the read of your answer on (Charleston Part 2)...I look forward to each new piece.

      On Orphans here...thanks for taking a look at it! Remember...when dealing with clowns and kids...you should have a spear gun. Or candy...

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      Alastar Packer 6 years ago from North Carolina

      What a trip Thought! Your as unique as this Hub. Do you really write for Letterman cause they'd be no prob here believing it. Your descriptive and creative plot-line is only rivaled by this dude that writes some history Hubs and has a strange first name. Nurse Ratched and Brangelina have met their match. Clowns and Orphans rock. Hey, the lonely Hubs is some good stuff too. Your a true talent my man!

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      @ Will...lol...it was a journey to get there. Thanks for stopping by and the votes!

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      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Spear-guns? Candy? Orphan Hubs?

      Up and hilarious!

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      @jhamann...I'm glad you likes it! Yes...this is why the yard did not get mowed...

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      @ Realhousewife...you should bring coffee and share! :) I'm glad you liked the latest...it was fun to write. Sadly...I think the title will have SEO engines also guessing. Now why can't I get any page hits...?

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      Jamie Lee Hamann 6 years ago from Reno NV

      Thank you for another great read. I may need to bother you for a cigarette after this. (Always looking for an excuse.)

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Very entertaining and hilarious! From the title to the end you kept me guessing - and thinking hard! Lol. I'm gonna have to visit you AFTER the coffee has started to do it's dirty work:)

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      @ attempted...thank you for meandering through the madness with me my friend! On the star thingies...they seem kind of hard to throw accurately...

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      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Some original mad meanderings there TS, to be admired and more to the point read, by others, many others hopefully. I want one of those deadly star thingies.

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      ThoughtSandwiches 6 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      JIM!! Hey buddy...I ain't seen you since the party! (btw, I did a write up on it in one of my other hubs). Alas...no...Letterman does not know that I even exist. I am just a poor unemployed wanna-be writer. I am glad you are back...I'm also glad you enjoyed this offering. I shall attempt to lower it a notch if you like.

      p.s...please refer Hummer to my opening paragraph in this hub regarding unwanted news...lol.

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      TheManWithNoPants 6 years ago from Tucson, Az.

      You ARE a stud! Damn you must be one smart son of a bitch T.S. Now you gotta come clean. We're buds ya know. If you're a writer for Letterman or something, you gotta let me know. Since running into you I've been too intimidated to write a hub. Come on bro, dummy down a bit. This is too much to over come.

      your friend

      jim

      ps; Hummer wants your phone #. Something about being late ..?