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The Secret to Hub Traffic
By Wes J. Pimentel
After being on Hub Pages for about two weeks now, I am an expert. Well, at least that's what my profile says.
During my long and rewarding career with HP, there has always loomed overhead, a mocking ambition. An intangible goal. That one thing that can make all the difference in one's day. I'm speaking...of traffic. Yes! Traffic! I love it. Simply typing the word intoxicates me. I love all the commotion and the comments and the praise and the discussions and the insults... I could go on.
After you've been bitten by this delicious little bug, you begin to need its sting like a heroin addict. You ponder what you could possibly write to draw everyone in. You end up reading hubs, like this one, that promise the secret of driving more and more people into your web. The need for traffic and the engineering of methods to generate it begin to take up more and more of your mind. You begin to wonder if from even the most mundane tasks you could render a great hub like, "I just made my daughter a bottle... I wonder if people would want to read about that..."
Part of the addiction manifests as the compulsion to obsessively check your account for signs of activity. Those little red triangles are like mini-orgasms. Little passion-red peaks, each testifying to your literary brilliance. Conversely, the blue ones are like mocking schoolchildren; so tiny, so infuriating, but insulated against any feeble attack from you.
It was during my last account-check that I came across the holy grail of Hub Pages traffic generation. There were many little blue triangles occupying my stats chart. Like a general looking over the battlefield at all the insurgents bent on my defeat, I surveyed the carnage for any signs of hope. One shining glimmer remained. Just there... so delicately triumphant. My only hope took the form of a hub I wrote long ago, before I ever even knew about Hub Pages. Ironic that it would be this particular piece, as its subject has caused me so much suffering over the years. It was The Vagina Diatribe; with its ridiculous amount of traffic. The Vagina Diatribe.
I wondered what it was about this particular piece that made it so alluring, so attractive to the passive reader. The answer was so painfully obvious I had to laugh. It was not my impressive wielding of our language. It was not my literary prowess. Although I would have loved to take the credit, I knew the answer was far more simple. Vagina. It has the word "vagina" in the title.
Upon realizing it I had one of those movie-villain-laugh-cries. The one where my body slumps over and you think I'm crying until I raise my tear-drenched face in laughter. It was then that I made my solemn vow. Henceforth, nary a single literary work would leave these hands without the word "vagina" in the title. The title of every one of my future hubs will bare the mark.
Crazy, you say? It can't be done, you say? We'll see, hubbers! I will have my revenge on your little blue bastards before long. Then, they'll know. EVERYONE will know! The genius of the Schwag will be touted from every mountain top! HAHAHAHhahahahahah......
OK. I got a little weird there, at the end. My bad, yo. Seriously, though. If you're worried about traffic to your hub, just put "vagina" in the title. It worked for me!