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Life worsens every day
Donald Trump found himself abandoned by yet another sponsor. Polar bears migrate to Miami Beach. China hacked into your FitBit and stole your heart rate.
Bad things happen to us. We don't need more depressing news. Unless you woke up this morning and noticed you were drbj, all this is more than you can handle.
I'm here to help you avoid common Hubmistakes. Your writing style stinks and you know it. Google will never index you. Even your Golden Retriever doesn't care what you have to say.
Look to me for guidance. After publishing over 900 original online publications on this venerable site, no one is more qualified to navigate you and your compositions through the hazardous riptides and tropical storms of HubPages. Together we will mold you into an accomplished online writer with many positive comments from your fellow denizens.
Wow, that was a strong image. You now find yourself unable to look away as I guide you forward.
Lesson #1: Be interesting
You are competing with oodles of interesting online people. These sentient humans regularly spill their deepest secrets and most diflugled opinions onto their hubs. You must be even less secretive.
Write you hubs like a Brazilian soap opera. Explain why local police found a dismantled nuclear device in the trunk of your company car. Discuss your motivation for selling orphaned tadpoles on eBay. People want to know this stuff and they want to know it about someone outside their immediate family. You have nothing to lose because the NSA is not watching you.
Take this handy poll
To make you feel like I am interested in you, please answer this handy question
Tabular Data for Tabular People
If you feel
and you are
...then you should
buy a ladder
enroll in community college
order lunch with your smart phone
Lost in translation
move to San Antonio
What about Google?
Yes, Google runs the Internet and yes, Google will look at your writing. Google deploys powerful algorithms designed to derive precisely who is readable and who is badger sputum. Don't wake up one morning to find that Google has deleted you. Your family will move out, leaving you with a Page Rank of zero and piles of abandoned sentences at the foot of your bed.
To that end, or some other end that should become clear soon, I urge you to use keywords and AdWords and only words totally recognizable by Google algorithms. Should you deign to design compositions containing a little too much imagination, Google will slap you down like a fly at a fly swatter convention. It hurts and it leaves a mark.
Lesson B: Word Count.
Computers cannot measure funny or poignant or sarcastic but they can, with extreme accuracy, count words. These aforementioned computers constantly count and re-count what you write. If your word count changes, the World Wide Web immediately knows about it. Every pop machine and pacemaker connected to the Internet receives notice of what's taken place. HubPages tenderly coaxes you to emit at least 700 words in order to qualify for Real Writing.
Should you mistakenly stop typing at 699 words because the broiler is on fire or your salamander escaped onto the freeway, HubPages doesn't care. HubPages algorithms give no quarter. What would really be nice is a cute little software program that tacks on an extra word or two in order to nudge your composition into realms of High Quality. Imagine the 'Take a Penny" tray at your local gas station checkout. Easy, it would be, to surreptitiously appropriate a word from another Hub that has no redeeming social value.
As a matter of social justice I hereby bequeath these words to other hubs that fall short of the 700 word arbitrary minimum:
If you need a word for your hub, please help yourself. I'm here to help.
If you made it this far, we are a success.
Take time from reading to pat yourself on the back. Don't pat anyone else on the back because that could be construed as microagression. We all get along but only on holidays and movie premiers.
Should you have any questions pleas post them below. Deeply thinking humans will respond with sincerity. Together you will be successful at publishing on HubPages.
The home of drbj, or not.
Supplemental Resources for you, from me
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