The Smell of Fear - Christchurch City Earthquakes, NZ
Still shaking, and it's not the ground..
Dear Diary... The Smell of fear...
...Deep under the surface, a hidden life exists, one of such amazing structure that is undetermined by the naked eye, hundreds of years worth of study allow the knowledge of what lies beneath.. and yet totally unknown to those who should be aware.
As our earth breaths, expanding it’s ribs above it’s blood curdling core, demanding it’s desperate freedom having been restrained for sixteen thousand years, a dark and dangerous beast that can never be contained, covered in a thick skin of earth and foliage, lavishly adorned with humanity surviing as best it knows how, trying to protect this beast so well hidden... two of these mighty ribs expand in rip roaring style..
A vehicle of destruction lurking, waiting it’s turn to blast it’s revenge on nature for condeming it to silence suddenly taking prisoners without a care, lurching forward then suddenly crashing violently sideways, a power play of the strongest, overpowering the it’s neighbor another of equal strength, yet a peaceful sleeping beast sent leaping and bounding above, standing in the air breaking it’s restrictions of it’s magnificent skin throwing it's toys out of the cot...
The Aussie plate slides against the Pacific plate, crashing, damaging, taking what it can.. a natural course of the Earth’s magnificent structure...
Why? I‘m sure there‘s an answer, and I will learn to find out, but really.. What else do these damn Aussies have to take, pharlap, crowded house.. and now shoving their damn plate under us.. Tell them to get their own sheep!!!
The most natural Aussie/Kiwi rivalry... Leave our sheep alone!
Ok.. trying to find a bit of humour while experiencing a disaster... slightly kidding hehe
Well.. I wasn't expecting to be writing something really serious.. Just shows my brain can actually focus sometimes, but the jokes aside. I am so over the ground shaking. I’m scared shitless and I’m not so sure I even want to go home. I left Christchurch via freight truck at midnight last night (weds ) 8th Sept 2010.. Got to blenheim at 5.30am this morn, thurs 9th NZ time...
I’m still shaking, plus everytime a truck or car goes past my mums house, I wait for the ground to shake violently.. it’s something that has been forced into my veins. I’m not a nervous person, nor does anything ever scare me, if it does.. it has to be something really serious and so far.. that’s only ever happened twice in my entire life.. but now.. I will admit..
I am scared.
.... Friday 7th Sept 2010
my tummy hurts, a real deep ache in the pit of my gutt, something’s wrong, i can sense it. i push it aside thinking, it was just the slight upset tummy i had had the day before. turning the tv off, and the computer, i went to bed.
movement, i feel shaking, just slight, and rumbling, i was dreaming. my head was spinning i looked at my cell phone to check the time the noise was real, it was loud, it was throwing me out of my bed. the cat looked at me, i looked at the cat, it was dark but the light of my cell phone allowed me to see his big black eyes. the shaking had begun, it wasn’t me, i tried to get out of bed, the blankets were holding me down. i was sweating, my blanket was on high, it was a cold but weird kinda night.
rattling, thunder, no, it was from the ground shaking so hard violent thrusts causing my blood to rush. my head was spinning the noise got louder, the shaking was pushing my house over. a huge crash there goes my computer i thought, no, just a tv. the deafening noise made me leap so fast, it sent me leaping out of my bed, it was thrusting side to side with such a force i wasn’t sure i could stand long enough to get to the door. my warm bed forgotten oh shit, the hot water cylinder is just up the hall, i had to move, fear combined with common sense was natural for me, but i still wanted it to stop instantly. i ran or should i say wobbled my way along the hall to the other door. the sliding doors in my lounge were shaking surely the glass would break.
everything was rattling, the glasses, the tv’s the windows doors and even me. i was terrified, i’ve never been afraid before of living alone, not until this moment my blood was hurled to my brain and to my feet in an instant. i felt faint, i felt sick, i nearly passed out, i’d been holding my breath, i had to make myself breath i was light headed. i braced myself in my hallway door, bourbon my cat was terrified too, he sat on my feet for security. at 9mths old, he had no idea what was happening he needed me to be strong and not panice like him. i tried not to, but the shaking woudlnt stop, tears were falling down my cheeks as i begged god to make it stop. it had begun to shake and shudder then suddenly got so strong two had rolled into one another, the second had become so violent i couldn’t stand, i crouched int he doorway and waited my end...
i’m not a religeous person far from it, but hell i spoke to god so much that night i was so scared i wanted to die.
4.40am and we were still getting massive after shocks, my body rocked and reeled at the throws of both anquish and shaking of walls, occasionally i would move from my spot secured in the doorway with bracing myself sturdily at its framework. The doors would swing back and forth but it still held up and kept me safe enough to breath.
my body is reeling inside out, my stomach hurts from holding myself up. haven’t used those mucles for a few weeks,
3 hours i stood in that doorway with the bloodcurdling river flowing up my spine, waves, rippling up and down, my hand felt all the shakes that were coming through the door frame. but my feet felt the tapping, oh shit! it was happening again.
i knew something was wrong when i went to bed.. 3 frekin hours earlier, god i hate this thing.
not the shaking, the qivering and noise, i could almost handle it, but what i fear most is the feeling i get in my stomach when somehting is going to happen. i want it to go away forever...
But then as time goes on, we are rattled now and then but in February 2011... We had to go through it all over again!
Worse is the fear, worse is the shaking and worse is the damage it went on creating. People al lover had left the city, and now, theres more gone fearful of staying. Christchurch has shrunk not just to rubble but in capacity of it's people. Ovver a hundred thousand have gone their wary ways but many of us stay put wondering if we will get through the next one on what ever day. the aches and the pains linger deep within my veins and my bones, warning me of what is completely unknown and forcing me to realise it's never going away, this is something i have to live with day after day...