I need advice on an article that I wrote. Can anyone help me?

1. 0

   Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years ago

   Can anyone help me improve this article?
   
   https://hubpages.com/literature/Waking- … -Every-Day
   
   It's my first-ever poem. Can anybody improve it?

   replyreport
2. 77

   Jeremy Gillposted 7 years ago

   Here are some tips:
   
   1) In the third sentence, correct the spelling mistake of "theres"
   2) If this Poker game involving two decks? Because you make a mention of five Aces, but regular decks only contain four.
   3) Capitalization error: "No! it is me..."
   4) Personally, I'd remove the extra white space in between lines that starts around the middle.
   5) Not a mistake per se, but the second line here seems pretty random:
   "So, there we go, with another poem coming to a close.
   I just hope I don't make you wet by spraying you with a hose."
   6) Caption your images.
   
   Poems and other creative works can struggle to find an audience on HubPages, but if you're willing to try, you're more than welcome to. Just know that it may take extra work to attract traffic.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Improved the article. How is it?

      replyreport
3. 78

   Natalie Frankposted 7 years ago

   Hi Ivan -
   
   Regarding your poem, keep in mind that any type of creative writing is subjective and personal and poems probably the most so feedback may not reflect what you are going for.  That being said a couple of things came to mind when reading your poem. The first stanza - the first two lines don't rhyme though the rest of the poem does.  Do you want to repeat the end words as rhymes?  It might read better if you choose different words - that takes more craft and will sound more skilled I think that just repeating the same word but it is up to you as what you intend as the structure and format of the poem.  In line three you don't really need (30 years), it's enough just to refer to the amount of time in general. The second stanza - the line about watching T.V. - how can you fail at watching t.v.?
   
   You might consider making your lines a consistent length in terms of syllables and meter so it reads more smoothly but again it's up to you.  If you want to have the lines be a different length then maybe think about making the poem a prose poem that doesn't rhyme.  Try the link below for some tips on how to write one if you are interested.
   https://study.com/academy/lesson/prose- … mples.html
   
   I really like the third stanza starting "Whenever I wake up . . . "
   
   You might want to change the last two lines.  The entire poem is about failure and your emotions related to it but the next to last line says all's well that ends well though there is no indication of anything ending well or even being well.  Then there's the line that ends have a nice day which seems a bit random.  I love the beginning of that line though - it's beautiful!  Maybe it would work if you came up with a different line before then say something like "So now I sit still sitting soft silently and hope for a new day," though of course that's just an example - I'm not trying to put words in your mouth. If you want to maybe add a stanza before about hope of things turning around it might work, though that would depend on your intent for the poem.  I don't intend to change the meaning that you want to communicate.
   
   I don't know if any of this will help - I just thought I'd provide my reaction to the poem and that maybe it would give you a bit of direction or different ideas for editing it.  Good luck.  I can't wait to read the final version!

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks.

      replyreport
4. 64

   Mary Florenceposted 7 years ago

   The first, second, third and last paragraph lack rythmn. What do we call a poem that lacks rythmn? A prose. The other paragraphs are okay, in my opinion.

   replyreport