ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Cutter's Lullaby

Updated on April 27, 2015

"This is me, proud fighter of Mental Illness"

Every night I use to just stare into the darkness and wonder “when will I find a reason to stay?” My jaw would clench as tears seemed to roll down my cheek and dance upon my lips. Whenever my nights felt lonelier then usual “Death” would visit me …“Death” became my friend, in fact not just my friend, my best friend, my only support. I would sit there for hours only to be angry at the world because I was envious of all of you. Every day I watched as those around me appeared to walk the streets carefree, laughing as if they truly knew what it was like to be completely and utterly happy. This jealously boiled in my blood and inside I was screaming for help. I was searching for an escape but there never seemed to be an answer until I met him, until I met “Death”. Before that encounter every waking moment I felt the pounding, the never-ending throbbing of my head as if it were going to explode at any moment. As the years went by I began to realize there were demons trapped within my soul, within my mind. However I had given up fighting so long ago that I didn't even recognize myself anymore; instead I had now become the crazed demon that seemed to dictate my mind; he had completely consumed me. The feeling should have been terrifying but instead I felt nothing, coldness flooded my body as all my hopes and dreams disappeared right in front of my eyes. It was always the hardest when I was all alone, and ironically that was always “Deaths” favorite time to visit me. Just like any other night I would take a shower, stripping down completely naked the mirror seemed to mock me, every inch of fat disgusted me, and I would always wonder who could ever love something so repulsive? But then I remembered “Death” loved me, he always did and he always would. As I entered the shower the water seemed to seduce my body, it allowed me to enter into a unique state of euphoria where I could temporarily feel relaxed and I almost felt happy; but then it happened again. The dye from my crimson red hair began gliding down my body, almost appearing as if my blood was just bursting right out of me. Then suddenly it hit me all at once, the desire irrefutable, I collapsed and lost all control. All I could hear were the voices yelling at me, they were so loud, so terrifying and my body began shaking uncontrollably. “It’s not real” “It’s not real” I would say over and over but how could something that felt so real only be a figment of my imagination? I Frantically began pulling out my hair as if trying to throw out all the degrading thoughts embedded within. My voice became so loud as I was screaming and begging for it all to “STOP”, once again I was alone' suffering but then there "Death" was,he came to me with his voice so calming. He beckoned me towards him and validated what I felt, he said "I wasn't needed here, my body didn't need to be trapped anymore, and the freedom that I was searching for was on the other side.” For once in my life I really trusted what I was hearing, it all made sense, as if this was the only logical answer to cure my insanity.After that he just held me, as the faint glimmer of silver appeared next to me, unable to retain myself any longer I dug the razor into my frail arms, each cut became deeper and deeper than the last. The blood turned from drops into puddles on the floor, my freshly made white sheets had now been stained with the blood of a sinner. I as a whole felt weak and tired of this so called live I had been living. Crying hysterically he persisted to wipe my tears and held the bottles as one by one I took them all. The feeling of dyeing was almost calming in itself, my body went numb, but this time while I was starring into the darkness I didn't feel sad, I just watched as my vision blurred. "Death" came up next to me and whispered “ Its going to be okay” I mumbled back “I know” as the darkness engulfed me. It was supposed to be my last thought, the thought of being freed from my internal suffering but my eyes still opened the next morning.I awoke confused and almost angrier then I had before, why was I still here? Why wasn't this successful? I tried several more times after because I knew "Death" wanted me with him but then I realized there had to be more. There has to be more to this life,I don’t know what it is or how to find it but it has to be out there somewhere. Till this day sometimes "Death" still visits me but I try to break our bonds because I am not his mindless puppet anymore.

The true facts about Depression/Mental Illness

This song always keeps me upbeat just keep telling yourself "I'M GOOD I'M GOOD"

Suicide Hotline Numbers

Massachusetts Suicide Hotlines

BOSTON

Samaritans

Samaritans Hope.org

Samaritans Statewide Helpline: (877) 870-4673

FALL RIVER

Samaritans of Fall River /
New Bedford

8am - 11pm / 7 days

(508) 999-7267
(508) 673-3777

FALMOUTH

The Samaritans on Cape Code
and the Islands

Cape Samaritans.org

24 hours / 7 days

(508) 548-8900

Toll Free - Cape Cod & the Islands
1-800-893-9900

FRAMINGHAM

Samaritans

Samaritans Hope.org

24 hours / 7 days

(508) 875-4500
(877) 870-HOPE (4673)

Samariteens
1-800-252-TEEN
1-800-252-8336

3pm-9pm Teen to Teen
9pm-3pm Adult to Teen

HAVERHILL

North Essex

Mental Health Center

Crisis Service & Central Intake

24 hours / 7 days

(978) 521-7777
1-800-281-3223

HOLYOKE

Mount Tom

Mental Health Institute

24 hours / 7 days

(413) 536-2251

METHUEN

The Samaritans
of Merrimack Valley

24 hours / 7 days

(978) 688-6607

(978) 452-6733

(978) 372-7200

(978) 465-6100

1-888-SOS-TEEN

1-888-767-8336

NORTHAMPTON

Service Net Emergency Service

24 hours / 7 days

(413) 586-5555

Toll Free Statewide

1-800-322-0424

NORWOOD

Riverside Community Care

(781) 769-8674

1-800-529-5077

SPRINGFIELD AREA

Serving Hampden, Longmeadow,
East Longmeadow, Wilbraham

Psychiatric Crisis Services

24 hours / 7 days

(413) 733-6661

STONEHAM

Boston Medical Center

Psychiatric Services

(617) 979-7028

WESTFIELD AREA

Serving Southern Madison County
Agawam, Blandford, Chester, Granville, Huntington,
Montgomery, Russell, Springfield, Southwick, Tolland
Westfield Crisis Team

24 hours / 7 days

(413) 568-6386

Getting Help

To anyone out there struggling, please seek help. I promise you that you are not alone, you will get the support and help you need, please message me or leave a comment if you have any questions/suggestions. Goodnight loves, stay strong and love one another.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)