A Cutter's Lullaby

Every night I use to just stare into the darkness and wonder “when will I find a reason to stay?” My jaw would clench as tears seemed to roll down my cheek and dance upon my lips. Whenever my nights felt lonelier then usual “Death” would visit me …“Death” became my friend, in fact not just my friend, my best friend, my only support. I would sit there for hours only to be angry at the world because I was envious of all of you. Every day I watched as those around me appeared to walk the streets carefree, laughing as if they truly knew what it was like to be completely and utterly happy. This jealously boiled in my blood and inside I was screaming for help. I was searching for an escape but there never seemed to be an answer until I met him, until I met “Death”. Before that encounter every waking moment I felt the pounding, the never-ending throbbing of my head as if it were going to explode at any moment. As the years went by I began to realize there were demons trapped within my soul, within my mind. However I had given up fighting so long ago that I didn't even recognize myself anymore; instead I had now become the crazed demon that seemed to dictate my mind; he had completely consumed me. The feeling should have been terrifying but instead I felt nothing, coldness flooded my body as all my hopes and dreams disappeared right in front of my eyes. It was always the hardest when I was all alone, and ironically that was always “Deaths” favorite time to visit me. Just like any other night I would take a shower, stripping down completely naked the mirror seemed to mock me, every inch of fat disgusted me, and I would always wonder who could ever love something so repulsive? But then I remembered “Death” loved me, he always did and he always would. As I entered the shower the water seemed to seduce my body, it allowed me to enter into a unique state of euphoria where I could temporarily feel relaxed and I almost felt happy; but then it happened again. The dye from my crimson red hair began gliding down my body, almost appearing as if my blood was just bursting right out of me. Then suddenly it hit me all at once, the desire irrefutable, I collapsed and lost all control. All I could hear were the voices yelling at me, they were so loud, so terrifying and my body began shaking uncontrollably. “It’s not real” “It’s not real” I would say over and over but how could something that felt so real only be a figment of my imagination? I Frantically began pulling out my hair as if trying to throw out all the degrading thoughts embedded within. My voice became so loud as I was screaming and begging for it all to “STOP”, once again I was alone' suffering but then there "Death" was,he came to me with his voice so calming. He beckoned me towards him and validated what I felt, he said "I wasn't needed here, my body didn't need to be trapped anymore, and the freedom that I was searching for was on the other side.” For once in my life I really trusted what I was hearing, it all made sense, as if this was the only logical answer to cure my insanity.After that he just held me, as the faint glimmer of silver appeared next to me, unable to retain myself any longer I dug the razor into my frail arms, each cut became deeper and deeper than the last. The blood turned from drops into puddles on the floor, my freshly made white sheets had now been stained with the blood of a sinner. I as a whole felt weak and tired of this so called live I had been living. Crying hysterically he persisted to wipe my tears and held the bottles as one by one I took them all. The feeling of dyeing was almost calming in itself, my body went numb, but this time while I was starring into the darkness I didn't feel sad, I just watched as my vision blurred. "Death" came up next to me and whispered “ Its going to be okay” I mumbled back “I know” as the darkness engulfed me. It was supposed to be my last thought, the thought of being freed from my internal suffering but my eyes still opened the next morning.I awoke confused and almost angrier then I had before, why was I still here? Why wasn't this successful? I tried several more times after because I knew "Death" wanted me with him but then I realized there had to be more. There has to be more to this life,I don’t know what it is or how to find it but it has to be out there somewhere. Till this day sometimes "Death" still visits me but I try to break our bonds because I am not his mindless puppet anymore.

BOSTON

Samaritans

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To anyone out there struggling, please seek help. I promise you that you are not alone, you will get the support and help you need, please message me or leave a comment if you have any questions/suggestions. Goodnight loves, stay strong and love one another.