A Dry Spell

WOW! I can't believe it! I've been 'Hubbing' with you guys this long? Do i know all 500 plus of you who follow me? I should probably ask, do YOU know ME? A little bit perhaps? We do 'read' (and mis-read) each other here, so we can't all be total strangers, are we? Oh boy! That's a 'scary' thought, if i may say. LOL! Let's see, HP say's i should reward myself with a 'leather purse' for this milestone? Woohoo! Macy's tomorrow!

Seriously...

Here i am, three years, writing for HubPages, and i don't know where i'm going with it. I started out wanting so much to fulfill my modern day 'Jane Austen' dream, to be an awesome writer, and after trying, i find myself disappointed. In one of my conversations with my daughter she asked me, 'what KIND of writer do you want to be? I said, i want to share my life's experiences. She followed with, 'on what subject? To which i replied, ' lost dreams, the journey, and my art'. 'Then write!',,,and that is what I've been trying to do.

I have not written much lately, and i don't know how the dry spell came about. It's possible that it may have been caused by my husband's pulmonary embolism attack which was almost fatal, I think the trauma hit me so hard, i dropped every activity that would rob me of time with him, I determined to be a good caregiver, to give undivided attention, until he recovered.

Thank God, life's more normal now, and I'm slowly going back into the groove of things, but I'm not quite there yet. I do visit HubPages, check some hubs, and re-read mine. Much of what I've written are crying for editing, if not, for total re-writing. i actually come down on myself, asking, "Is that it?". How so mediocre, yikes! How can i even keep it out there for everyone to see, Well, not everyone really, since i don't think i have hit any significant landmark in terms of readership. It all adds up. I keep promising to do better, but i also know that it will require a lot of time and effort. That is a luxury i don't seem to have. I am at a crossroad. I do love writing, and i am grateful for HubPages, for the great opportunity it has opened to one amateur like me. I'm surprised that i am still here, welcomed, and gaining 'fans' i'm not so sure i deserve. I don't take the community lightly, and truly love many i have come to know, like real friends, and neighbors. It's surreal that i found myself crying loads for virtual, co writer Cris Advincula, who recently passed away, like he were my brother. I love that many of us 'meet' up in Facebook, to hung out some more. For all of that, i can't see myself giving up being a writer for HubPages. I know, if i did, i would go into a deep depression.

I am a photo digital artist, which to me, is not a job. It is my passion, something i do everyday, with much gusto and devotion. It is 'work', only because it is in every sense. toiling. I do it day in and day out, 24/7, except weekends. I do have discipline. It is an adventure as well, because i have to travel, for inspiration, and so i can gather fresh materials. But, I've had to slow down in that area. After my husbands episode last year, it has become a challenge to go anywhere. I don't mind, as my inventory is well stacked to last a long time. Hopefully that will change soon as he gets in better shape. Then, there is the business aspect of my art, which my husband has taken upon himself to handle, He is promoter, marketing director doing a job for the love of me!

Art is my therapy. I am peaceful and joyful in the creative process. Colors allow me to express myself, where there is no need for words, nor explanation. This is perhaps where my dilemma lies. That i am, i think, a better painter, and not so much, a good writer. Yet, i am torn, because i want both. I want life's 'smorgasbord's' plate full of all it's goodness. I don't want to miss the joy, the vibrancy, and excitement that's out there! I want to be part of many conversations, to listen and to be heard, through my writings. I want to push the envelope, by going into the unknown, with an uncensored imagination, which is my art. Yet again, bottom line, and what is most important to me is that, i don't want to miss one tiny little beat of my being there for those i love, my husband, family, friends and community. I don't want to be an 'achiever', for achievement's sake. I am not looking for the praise of men, not for works well done. I don't want to have any regrets that i wasted my time, and did not give of myself to those i care for.

Having said all that, I do still want to continue writing, hone my skills, and work to see my dream come true, to publish a few books, a collation of my hub writings, on my art and spiritual musings I am also looking forward to co writing my granddaughter's first 'serious' book, and getting it printed. I am praying to get over my dry spell as a writer. So help me God!

THANK YOU HUBPAGES, AND ALL THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MADE, AND WILL MAKE, BY BEING PART OF SUCH A WONDERFUL AND AMAZING COMMUNITY!!!