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American History Part 26 (2010-mid 2011)

Updated on May 1, 2011


When we left off, everything was supposed to be so much better.

Barack Obama was president of the United States. For the first time in American history, there was a happy ending to put at the end of the textbook. And Oprah of all people made it possible.

Or so we thought.

For who honestly just becomes the president like that with no strings attached?

And thus, since the end of our tale, the coolest man in American politics would serve as an indirect teacher for all of us on the ways that the tool operates. We would learn all the things that we assumed we'd never have to learn. Republicans, the dorks, the violent and dangerous morons that the Bush Administration deliberately cultivated and perpetuated for political gain...are some clever, clever monsters. And the reason is simple. The Republicans, with the majority of the company heads and accountants on their side, have figured out that the real damage they cause...takes a while to really kick in. Oh we disliked Bush towards the end of his reign for plenty of reasons, joblessness being one. But when you spend your ass off while at the same time refusing to tax the ungodly create an environment where, several years down the line, long after you're voted out...the job market spits out more employees then it hires. With a Democrat in charge!

Sure enough, many of the people who were made unemployed for very reasons during the Bush administration, their own personal fault or not, were made UNABLE TO FIND NEW WORK during the first years of the Obama administration. Obama's liberal agenda would, in an attempt to give a shout out to the rest of us who liked him...make it so companies were now flipping the bill for health insurance. Now, if you work in a school or in most places, this isn't a big deal. You were getting probably the best health insurance on the planet. 10 dollar co-pays for everything. But this new Obama plan would extend to the crappy companies as well, the ones whose leaders agreed with Bush on a philosophical basis. Retail chains. Retail SUPER-chains. And this, a big strike against the tool, would go against cool people...because retail jobs were already what everyone was working at now due to the Bush Administration leaving nothing else!

And thus, a microcosm of this new era, became that of the McJob.

McDonalds a few weeks ago announced a mass hiring coast to coast.

People came.

Professional people.

In 2000, the average McDonalds employee was 20 years old. Today? 30.

Imagine that.

This is the result of cutting back on personnel in order to not have to resort to hiring freezes.


Business leaders who have just recieved a lot of government help under the guise of creating jobs...making sure those new jobs are places where they can pay then 15 cents a day.

Well now these same creeps were left without the cushy Republican leader who had their back.

Little did we even realize...Obama himself had some heavy donors as well.

Yes, those heavy donors, rough as they are and backwards as they are, delivered us Barack Obama. But in a situation like have to understand something...any president or senator or governor, even a Democrat whose platforms still insist on spending out of control when it's no longer 1976 or 1995 and we're half-broke and desperate enough to take sh*t from a big assed retail supervisor, the donor is always going to come with strings attached. When you pitch a product to a company, they might like it, and they might manufacture it and they might sell it...but fair is fair, baby...they're keeping 80 percent of the profits. The Republicans already believe that their donor is king and always will because their life agenda does not differ from a one-note dickhead. But now the Democrats...who are by and large not much more then the teachers from the French film "The Class"...who already can't approach any problem on Earth without taxing people...REALLY now must f*ck people over. Why? Because the donors won't let Obama touch those rippling, out of control tax cuts on the rich from the previous administration!

What the hell is wrong with making a 17 percent tax rate on Exxon Mobile...19 percent? 2 measily percentage points would create a surplus like you'd never seen.


And thus gave rise to the Tea Party -- the new pre-Holocaust Nazis. Of course it's out of line to call the Tea Party the new Nazis...but think about this...they've already started for the same reasons that the Nazis did...a Cliffs-Notes-understanding of how bankruptcy looms...

The Tea Party, led by the beautiful and no doubt bitchy Michelle Bachmann, would become poisonously overexposed.

That's why, as you will see coming up, in this, some more free entertainment from yours truly, this hub is not so much about the Tea Party, much as the climate of fear, panic, ego, stress, violence and downright retardation that the Tea Party causes...

The phrase is not...oh Republicans are bad people.

The phrase is not...oh Democrats are bad people.

The phrase is in fact...severe and undocumentable tension.

You will see how, though it's not illegal, though it's not particularly explainable, it is in fact...all over the god damn place. And in 2011, you didn't escape it just by being a member of the we will see with a man named Charlie and beloved...


Let's start with the least serious stuff first.

Charlie Sheen is an actor in Hollywood. Up until now, Charlie's show "Two & A Half Men" has been the HIGHEST RATED SHOW ON TV. Charlie Sheen's boss, producer Chuck Lorre, is also semi responsible for what is sometimes the SECOND rated highest show on TV and one I like infinitely more -- "The Big Bang Theory".

From watching both these shows, one thing is clear -- Chuck Lorre has a gift for understanding the narrow-minded CBS viewer. CBS viewers consist of Republicans, heavily trained professionals in intellectual fields, old people, Southerners...basically a whole mix of people who would love two things 1) The sight of a lazy person getting laid often, such as Charlie on his show, and 2) The sight of those who beat them at being said doctor or lawyer or engineer...proving to have no social skills. Chuck Lorre if you remember was a producer on "Roseanne", a show that REQUIRES knowing your audience because the blue-collar gang will not tolerate yuppie sh*t in any degree, shape or form. And so Chuck Lorre...basically walks around all day making judgement calls, most of which he keeps on the back burner, always in the context of using it for business when it's necessary. And one of those judgement calls he had sitting on the backburner, coming out very briefly in a mere freudian slip on one of the end cards, was that Charlie Sheen is a junkie, a flooze, and it makes him ultimately inferior to him, despite whatever public acclaim Sheen could hope to garner...Lorre knows he's more stable...and thus will have a better life.

Already while having about a billion dollars more then Charlie Sheen, who has never been anything but Hollywood's prince since "Lucas" in 1985.

Charlie Sheen, thus, will snap.


Charlie Sheen, in this new environment where Republicans have been cheating and lying their way to the top, manipulating feelings and weaknesses and learning life lessons from those who are cooler then them, was now left to witness it first hand.

He has tiger blood, he told us.

Chuck Lorre and others like him are heading for the wrong "vortex" he said.

Sheen would lose custody of his kids and one of his goddesses before his ill-fated world tour was over. Sheen had the belief that he could go to city after city and perform stand-up, but things didn't actually work out for him until he just had someone interview him in front of everyone. Then it worked out grand.

The next person to feel this tension and become a slobbering, slandered victim -- Gilbert Gottfried.

Gilbert Gottfried is a wonderful comedian who says the most un-called for stuff, something that, with that voice he uses, makes everything funny.

In what was surely just a way to fight the stress, he would extend it to the crisis occuring in Japan, and be fired from Aflac, because insurance companies can't screw over the Japanese quite as effectively as if the Japanese think they sympathize with them.

The Japanese would be hit by a massive tsunami, and a nuclear power plant in Northern Japan would burst, causing severe radiation leaks, and the problem at this point has YET TO BE RESOLVED.

Meanwhile the Tea Party, with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin proving beauty is sometimes only skin deep, would result in even local governors and senators being assholes now. One of them who wasn't an asshole, an Arizona Democrat named Gabrielle Giffords, would be left to play a form of chess just in order to get through her day. She refused to answer a serious but annoying existential question from this kid in Arizona who was either an anarchist or a very very very very hardcore Democrat. He let it fester for years, and then like the douche he was proving to be, returned last January and SHOT HER!!!

You know...a man in his early 20s has to be smart enough to know you can't expect a politician to entertain a controversial question when he's at a public photo-op. You can ask the question, you can belittle his or her ass for not answering, but clearly this kid expected her to answer, and that's just moronic.

Meanwhile, Gifford's nemeses, would begin their new battle.

The real one.

The one that they had bought a presidency in order to achieve --

Taking the collective bargaining rights of every worker in America.

In Wisconsin, Republican governor Scott Walker would try to do just that. The idea was that they would first all take a pay cut of about 25%, 3000 dollars out of every 14,000...and then be unable to negotiate over it.

People slept in the Wisconsin capitol building for weeks.

In the end, or at least the end as has told us -- collective bargaining has been curbed...on every issue except wages.

And then came some more fun...

Republicans, with Donald Trump now in the picture, want to prove that Obama not only couldn't have gotten into an Ivy League school, but wasn't even born here.

Will the Democrats honestly have to spend money during the campaign in order to remind people that Bush's dad got him into Yale? Son of a B*TCH!


May 1, 2011

It was a glorious Sunday evening.

Devon Avenue in Chicago was a madhouse.

Washington D.C. smelled like pot.

A handful of our soldiers went into Pakistan and KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!!

Barack Obama would address the country in a wonderful speech. The way I see it, there is no good that can come out of any of this if the Democrats refuse to take sufficient credit, and that's precisely why Obama made sure to take some well deserved credit. Obama made sure that the world knew four things -- 1) Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader but a guy who killed Muslims, 2) Barack, himself, made it a top priority to wax the fool 3) NO AMERCIANS HARMED IN THE ATTACK and 4) Pakistan is our ally, and did a great job at helping.

The Republicans can no longer use being the war and democracy party. They lost. It took them nine years not to find him. It took Obama three to find him.

So who do you think will be the big villified group that all the Americans vote against in 2012? Fat children?



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