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Anger management. How to Control Anger

Updated on March 23, 2011

Anger is a very strong emotion often not controlled. But the way you express your anger can be managed. Anger is roughly said an extreme emotion that can be expressed in aggression, outbursts, destruction.

Rage and anger are often used as something with the same meaning. But somehow in my opinion rage is more than just feeling angry.

Rage can be built up by more moments of feeling angry. At some point someone you can't take anymore and than it can happen to you.

How to control your anger

Just accept that you can feel angry.

You don't have to feel inferior or bad when you are feeling angry. Or don't get angrier because you feel angry. Anger just happens sometimes. Just try to handle it better than just letting it out. Don't judge yourself when you're feeling it but train your way of expressing it.

Count to ten or take a time out.

Before your anger becomes a rage or fury that wants to get out, try to postpone this by counting to ten. It sounds very simple, but it really works when you make this a habit. Just start counting and just focus on the counting. And when this works maybe you can count to twenty or thirty. You'll notice the difference when you do this in a serious way. You may experience you can control it. Your anger may still be there but the way you'll express it can change this way.

When it's hard to do this in the presence of somebody else, just leave the room, find an other place to start counting and cool down. It might help because the expression on somebody else's face or the body language they express can aggravate your own anger instead of getting focus on the counting.

Take a deep breath and get high

Breathe in trough your nose for 7 seconds. Hold your breath for 5 seconds and blow your breath out trough your mouth with your lips in a way like you're trying to whistle. Repeat this five times. Maybe you'll notice you're getting dizzy and you'll feel calmer real quick. Like you're feeling high, natural high. This also works when you're just stressed out or having a panic attack.

Find a physical outlet.

When you are really really furious you often built up a lot of negative energy which has to come out. Try to relieve that energy in a physical way. Just kick against a door, a wall (and hurt your foot real bad), start a fight with a pillow or a mattress, hit a boxing ball. You can even do some pushups or start running around the block just to let that energy go without hurting others (or yourself).

A physical outlet can do wonders and when you know you have a temper, a gym can bring the solution to go to every week.

Talk about your anger

When you get angry because of what someone says or does, it's important to talk about it with that person. Instead of attacking that person with the things they have said or done to make you angry, confront them by saying that his or her behavior or approach, makes you feel misunderstood, angry, annoyed. Don't do that in a way that implicates them as the guilty one, but tell them in an "I message" For example. "I feel myself put under pressure by you" instead of "You put me under pressure" Sometimes there seems no difference between those two, but there is. The first message can have a different effect on the other person than the last message. Instead of just letting the other believe that he or she is to blame for it, you let them know what you're feeling. If you can talk about those things and be honest about what makes you angry, the other will possibly understand you more. But don't try to have such a conversation when you feel furious. Talk about it after a cool down period or a time out.

Try to find the cause of your anger

When you suddenly feel angry, try to find out what really caused it. What situation made you get angry, what triggered it. Are there patterns or similarities in moments or reactions and approach of others towards you? Is there a central theme in you getting angry suddenly?

It might help to write down everything when you're feeling angry. Keep a sort of a diary and write down the hows and whys. Sometimes it helps you to get some insight in your anger.

You have to realize that anger or rage is often caused by grieve, pain, painful memories, insecurity, sensitivity, vulnerability or just a feeling of powerlessness. Those feelings are often covered up by acting aggressive, yelling. screaming.

Is there a physical cause maybe?

Anger, aggression, anger outbursts is not only someone's nature. Sometimes there are physical reasons that cause someone to get angry. There are numerous possibilities of health problems that can be the reason for anger. So when you suddenly have a problem with outburst or sudden anger and you can't find a reason why, try to find out if there is a physical reason.

Some possible physical causes; allergies, hormonal problems, burn out, hypoglycemia, chronicle stress.

Take responsibility for your emotion

If you constantly blame others for your anger or when you just say β€˜It's just who I am", nothing will ever change. You're fooling others and yourself. It's not an excuse for your behavior and you can't deny your own responsibility in all this. Maybe , just maybe, there is something you can change about yourself which makes you feel better in the future and be able to handle all kinds of situations in which you normally would get angry. Take your advantage when people tell you the truth, even when it hurts and makes you feel angry about it. Use it in a constructive positive way to make a better person out of yourself.

Feeling better now?

Okay. It might have cost some doors or pillows, a strain ankle while running around the block, but aren't you feeling better now?


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    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Fantastic blog! Do you have any tips and hints for aspiring wrirets? I'm hoping to start my own site soon but I'm a little lost on everything. Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I'm completely confused .. Any ideas? Thanks a lot!

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Big help, big help. And suitvlaepre news of course.

    • Jephiter S Ondari profile image

      Ondari S Jephiter 

      6 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      I am a nuisance when it comes to hunger management. I have never tried anything but will try your tips.

      Thank you

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      im probably the mother of patience but lately i have been having some serious anger blinds me.i can't control myself.i can't take it out on people so i get back to my room and kill myself about it.its uncontrollable.its like i wanna scream my lungs out bt i can't.i wanna hurt myself bt its not enough.i land up trembling and feeling helpless.i can't talk about it to anyone.nothing seems towork..everything around me seems to fall apart. i need help.someone anyone please help me.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      please help me i just can't seem to control my anger outbursts im 21 and it is usualy my poor parents that get the brunt of it! this has been happenin since i was a child! it is like the anger springs up on me out of no where for example i start gettin irratated by something so small and dump next thing i no im screamin abuse at the first person who crosses me and have kicked, fired and broken things at the worst of always end with me feelin so guilty and crying afterwards, also my whole body feels wrecked! i want to come to the source of this anger as my family are sick to the teeth of me and want me to leave their home!!...siobhan!

    • www.lookseenow profile image


      8 years ago

      Anger management is like smoking logs scorched on both ends, but taken out of the fire, the fire goes out. If I illustrate my anger like a log taken out of the fire, if left by itself it becomes two tail ends of a smoking log. The fire has gone out. Then the anger/log is not up, over, under, and surrounded by hot burning coals, and other burning logs. It feels the heat, but take it away from the heat, it cannot sustain its own combustion.

      I like your post because it’s similar to one I wrote. Mine is based on Isaiah, and you can read it if you want in (Isaiah 7:3-12)

      I’ll read more of your posts, and vote them up, because they are well-structured, short paragraphs, and subject theme is emphasized.

      Regards: jrry jghn

    • smalika profile image


      8 years ago

      this is an amazing piece of work :). loved it.

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Netherlands

      Dear Anonymous,

      I like to believe that everything s possible, if you only want.. So if your partner want.. There are a lot of psychologists out there who can help. In the mean time, maybe you can get some help for yourself?

    • profile image

      Anonymous person 

      8 years ago

      My partner is prone to such fits of anger, he yells so loud it hurts my ears, he swears and rants and spit flies out of his mouth... over very trivial things to start, and then about all sorts of things from months or even a year ago... and then he blames me for it. He's not physically violent, just verbal. The following few days after an outburst he is super nice to me. I love him but I know I'm shutting myself down more and more, not speaking up about all sorts of things, for fear of the outbursts. He says his anger is him, just how he is. I know he's been like this since early childhood. He was picked on racially, and had to fight a lot. He's now in his 40's, is it possible to change after all the years of learned behaviour?

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Netherlands

      I understand what you mean. That won't work, maybe familycounseling?

    • profile image

      Anonymous person 

      8 years ago

      I am trying to control it but my family is not helping by calling me crazy, retarted, stupid,and other hurtful thing that makes me go crazy.

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Netherlands

      There’s a distinct difference between triggers and causes of anger.It sounds to me that your husband and children are more the trigger than the cause. Their actions trigger you to be angry , but how about your believes and assumptions...We often aren’t aware of how our beliefs operate and how they create our emotions.When you don’t have awareness of the underlying beliefs you can make the mistake of focusing on the trigger and missing the real cause.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      What do I do when I find that the root of the anger is the lack of concideration from my husband and kids. I mean I feel like I'm yelling and fighting and arguing all the time with them and I just want it to stop. I've even removed my self from the whole house and I'm hurting more because I do love and care for them and I don't know how to save my family from me and my anger. I have never hit any of them in my angry state but I yelling and screaming is almost as bad. I don't know what to do.

    • oneinajillian profile image


      9 years ago from So.Cali

      I like the "take responsibility for your emotions" part. I know someone who throws temper tantrums & gets very verbally abusive and blames those actions on others. As if other people have control over what he does and says? Sheesh! It's important for people to hold themselves accountable for their actions. Yes, you have a right to be angry, but you don't have a right to abuse people because of it! To me, that's something any mature person learned around Jr. High age. If not, then their momma's forgot to teach them a valuable characteristic in being a mature adult!

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Netherlands

      I'm glad it works for you Mikben and that it makes you feel better for the moment. But remember also to do something about the cause:) Good luck:)

    • profile image

      mik ben 

      10 years ago

      I tried the breathing technique, and I didn't feel high, but i felt better, a lot better! When I read it I was kind of in the middle of a minor break- down, but after completing it 5 times I felt relaxed, and a couple minutes later I thought of something that got me worked up again, and once again it worked!

      THANK YOU!

    • Dottie1 profile image


      11 years ago from MA, USA

      Great hub Lazur. Many great tips to help one control anger. Finding the cause was most helpful for me in the long run in managing my own anger.

    • qlcoach profile image

      Gary Eby 

      11 years ago from Cave Junction, Oregon

      Great Hub on anger management--5 Stars! Some of the inmates I counsel everyday in the local jail can benefit from it. Over the years I have learned toxic emotions are an expression of our negative side. It takes skill and practice to overcome them. Feel free to see my new Hub too: Faith, Hope, Light. Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist.

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      11 years ago from Netherlands

      You're welcome Guidebaba:)

      I'm not starting to bake apple pies Ananta:P Not yet. I'm not angry enough to do that:P

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      Now there's a useful way to manage anger: bake apple pies :)

    • guidebaba profile image


      11 years ago from India

      Hi Lazur: This is very nice explanation. Thanks !

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      11 years ago from Netherlands

      Thank you G-Ma:) You're right. Often when children get mad, they get punished, so they are thought that anger is totally wrong. I had to try different things like I wrote here with my own son when he was depressed and had very bad outbursts of anger.

      And yes for you it's okay to feel anger too with your mom. Often with someone with Alzheimer you get that feeling of powerlessness. And Still 6 apple pies?:D

      * big hug*

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      11 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      I love the way you set up this hub..How do you do that???  Plus was a very good and well presented hub...In my opinion we are not taught as small children it is ok to feel anger  ( I did a hub about this)  It might help if we were taught that. Part of being a responsible parent is to teach our little ones all the  phases of life.

      However it is difficult to do if you haven't been taught.  Your advice is very good and each one has a different way to handle their own anger...there are many good ways in this all should be able to fine one that will work for them.

       We all feel anger..I did today with my mom...but I held my breath and the time I was done she was on a different space and had forgotten what we were trying to do..(she has Alzheimers and is 89) but we managed to make 6 apple pies...was fun...Thanks sweetie for a great insight to anger...

      G-Ma:o) hugs


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