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Cave Men to Thrive into 2015 More than Ever in Human History

Updated on October 22, 2014

Bavarian King Ludwig II Had Operas in His Man Cave

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That's MY Cave NOW! Hey, you'd make a nice carpet!

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Man? Chair?

You never know when a strange creature inhabits your cave during your absence. This thing is known to inhabit mancaves in modern times. It's terrifying.
You never know when a strange creature inhabits your cave during your absence. This thing is known to inhabit mancaves in modern times. It's terrifying.

I Cringe at Depictions of Ancient Times

What were the "Cave Men" like? Answer: YOU. Don't take offense. I know, the term conjures up images of primitive ape-like caricatures even less brainy than shirtless dudes from online FAIL videos. I see it differently, though. I imagine the average cave men to have really been smarter than the guys from fail videos. Those guys wouldn't have lived long enough to reproduce.

We need to define what a caveman is. Simple, a person who lives in a cave. Right now, more people live in caves than ever before! 30 million cave dwellers live in China alone today. So we'll say, cave dwellers from the dawn of history.

In ancient times, there lived a race of people, the cave men. Nobody knows who dey were, or what dey were doing. But their legacy lives on, hewn in the ancient walls... of the caves.

In the so-called days of the cavemen - fewer than 5 million people lived on the whole earth. Most of them did not live in caves, and even if they were ape-like, which I doubt, apes live in forests not caves.

And where are they now? The little children of the cave? And what would they say to us if we were here today?


This sucks. He'd better be hunting his ass off leaving me here with all the cleaning to do. If he doesn't bring some meat - what's that sound? I hope he comes back before the bears do.
This sucks. He'd better be hunting his ass off leaving me here with all the cleaning to do. If he doesn't bring some meat - what's that sound? I hope he comes back before the bears do.

Mumbo Jumbo

Living in a cave is smart anyway

Depicting our ancestors who lived in caves as stupid brutes is so racist. Well, I'm not sure if you can be racist against your ancestors. Anyway, I would accuse them of being daft for building a house next to a perfectly habitable cave. What a waste of time. Besides, they probably kicked some bear ass to occupy that cave, and without PKP Pechenegs and flash grenades. Gotta respect that.

Of course the cave has to be cleaned out and decorated. Surely a job for the woman, but that's not to say we've become any different nowadays. You know, that's how hunting was invented, when it's time to clean out the guano from the cave, the caveman suddenly has to go out and hunt. Math was invented when he calculated how many days the "hunt" would have to last to be sure the cave would be clean already upon his return. Of course, he couldn't return empty handed either, so he became an engineer and made animal traps.

A church is built around the house now, but you can see the grotto behind the altar.
A church is built around the house now, but you can see the grotto behind the altar.

Jesus grew up in a house attached to a cave

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are the family of families. They had the best of both worlds, and I'm not talking about heaven and earth, but where they dwelt. Their humble abode was a house backed up against a cave, which is economical brilliance. Really, that's how I see humanity anyway, something ordered by design that transitions to a more natural but useful, and permanent structure in the back, hidden from view.

Anyone with a basement, wine cellar, or even bomb shelter is a true cave man, because you've made your own. Who can say the ancient people didn't often build a structure, a door at least, at the mouth of the cave that has since rotted away? Perhaps they didn't have to build doors to lock against intruders? Maybe they reasoned in favor of the germicidal and health-related benefits of sunlight vs. building an enclosure locking them in daytime darkness and burning candles and torches as sources of light.

Hunting burgers was so hard in ancient times.
Hunting burgers was so hard in ancient times. | Source
The woman on the left would not have taken any rudeness from a cave man. The woman on the right wouldn't have to either, they'd be all nervous around her, jumping around saying oo-ooo-ah-ah.
The woman on the left would not have taken any rudeness from a cave man. The woman on the right wouldn't have to either, they'd be all nervous around her, jumping around saying oo-ooo-ah-ah.

Speculation is a dangerous thing. If you weren't there, how can you definitively say how things were. Lack of evidence doesn't preclude something from existing. If ancient people, as I believe to be true, were as smart or perhaps even smarter than people today, they would have survived and even thrived in harsh environments, mastered basic chemistry, engineering, and agriculture. They would have built civil societies, traded goods, and developed seafaring vessels to inhabit the world.

What remains from them are artifacts of stone and bone. Cloth, weavings, music, speeches, vocal works of art, instruments of wood, etc. don't survive thousands of years, just bones and stones do. So in the brilliance of modern-day intellect, we depict them ALWAYS banging bones around standing on or squatting near stone. Will future archaeologists imagine we wore metal parts as clothing, and lived in crumbled steel-reinforced concrete structures devoid of colorful paints?

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  • starlightreflex profile image
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    Doug DeWalt 2 years ago from Ohio USA

    1. Cave men were men, not beastly savages grunting and dragging knuckles in one hand and a woman in the other.

    2. Cave men existed throughout history, are part of history, are numbering in the millions, and are not different or stupid.

    3. Cave man artifacts are protected from the elements and do not represent a fair cross-section of human civilization.

    4. Non-cave men (Archaeologists and Anthropologists) examining artifacts of so-called cave men often develop ideas and conclusions affirming the negative, such as they couldn't write because no writing was found, or they had no idea of agriculture because they foraged.

    5. Irony. The men whose bones are examined may have been far more clever than the fools examining them.

    6. More irony: imagine someone examining the contents of your basement or hunting lodge... concluding you had no idea of foraging and hadn't advanced as a society because no evidence was found. Or perhaps that you couldn't draw pictures of animals because no hand-drawn images were found.

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    alex silver 2 years ago

    Wut!?! This made no sense. It just trailed off, then abruptly ended. What was the point of this article?

  • Zackary Lynch profile image

    Zack lynch 2 years ago from Southern Oregon

    Interesting hub! I've always found the idea of living in a cave interesting. I also like your mention of how our ancestors weren't as brutish and stupid as most people stereotype them as.

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