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Who's Cheating Who

Updated on March 19, 2010

A Vicious Cycle

"Cheats live in darkness and thrive on lies. Nothing good comes out of them"-mequote

There are many kinds of cheats, from bigtime to smalltime. It is common to men, women, children, rich, poor, ugly, beautiful, every race and every color. No one likes to be betrayed. But it happens, even to the best of us.

Ok, i got cheated on early in life, and man, it hurt. I thought i lost my innocence the night i lost my virginity to the man who became the father of my child. I was wrong. I lost my innocence when i found out that i was being cheated on by someone who i thought adored me, and only me. Everything i believed about true love, trust and faithfulness went to the dogs, overnight! That's all it takes folks, to change how you perceive life and love, both at the same time. Yippiroo, you will never be the same. Talk about going nuts! I went into a rollercoaster nightmarish ride, from near insanity, sleeplessness, anxiety, confusion and loss of self esteem. I was so broken up, for a long time, it seemed impossible to put all the pieces back. I wanted so much to make a go of the relationship believing the fault may have been mine. That was the biggest lie if ever. It took a lot of soul searching, and the help of loving friends to find my way out of the pit and to see the light. Cheats cheat, period! They have deeper issues, a lack of moral compass and a kind of jadedness. In my case, i realized, it was not so much about me. I was hasty in my choice and i trusted someone who i really didn't know very well. Bottom line was, we were both too immature to deal with things pertaining to marriage. In his case, his insecurity manifested in seeking validation through having affairs. After catching him several times and being lied to, i said 'no more'. I bid him goodbye and swore i would never be cheated on again.

For some, cheating comes like second nature. I know a man who used to prey on married women. He was so good, he could 'smell' an easy target anywhere and eventually have his way. Women who cheated were drawn to him and both understood the rules by which they played. He confessed it was 'fun' to have a string of 'playthings', until he found himself getting bored and sickened by his own depravity. He admitted as well that he was getting less attracted to his conquests, some of who he thought were phony in bed. He gave it up and went on a journey of self discovery becoming a better and decent human being. There is hope for the worst of us. Hallelujah!

I know of a case of a particular woman who is married and continues to carry on with her lover of many years. It makes me cringe just thinking of the ploy by which it all happened, and how naive we were to be sucked into her con game. I refused to believe the rumours about her marrying for convenience as more of a career move. I actually thought this was too insidous and too nasty to be real. You see, i am not one to think unkind of anybody, most especially when i am told 'things are different' and that 'there's been a change of heart'. But the 'proof is in the pudding' and as my husband would tell me, 'actions speak louder than words'. I wish to God, for those of us who know, we are wrong. Yet, i watch how she goes about living a lie and acting like everything is normal. She has become even more pretentious, too caught up with her agenda with no cares about the damage she is causing. One day the lie will be out. It's not a matter of how, but when.

So, what's it like to be a 'cheat'? Ever do it? The pendulum swings ladies and gentlemen, and for all you know, one day you are 'cheating cheetah' incarnate. Hey, when you move and groove in a planet where it's more the norm than the exception, it's easy to get sucked in. You think you're cool, and next thing you know you're doing the very thing you despised that which was done to you. You may hate yourself the first time, then your conscience gets dulled, and with a little more pratice, you can live with youself because nothing bothers you anymore. You're deep into it when you don't care who you're hurting.

The biggest loser in the cheating game is the cheat. That's a fact. They may convince themselves that's not the case, and they will keep at it as long as there are those who fall prey to their wiles. I know women who are aware it's happening right under their pretty noses, but they are trapped by their own stupidity and weakness. Well, here's the score. Cheats only cheat on themselves. They think they are getting away with fooling people, but they are actually fooling themselves. They are described as bilks, con artists, cozeners, deceivers, defrauders, fraudsters, grifters, scammers, sharks, swindlers, tricksters and victimizers. If you are cheating, give it up. You're folly will catch up with you and the price is too great to pay. If you don't know you are cheating, but you are, you need help. It's like addiction, a bondage and you need to be freed. If you are being cheated, you are a victim. Seek help as well. Victims can suffer devastation, trauma and depression. There are ways to recover.

Here are some signs your partner may be cheating on you:

  • A sudden and suspicious change in his/or her daily routine.
  • Your spouse is more vain, working out all of a sudden and overly concerned about their appearance.
  • He or she begins to dress differently, wearing clothes that are not age appropriate.
  • Your spouse is working more overtime or coming home later than usual.
  • You see strange phone numbers on the phone bill.
  • He or she is being secretive about cell phone calls.
  • He or she has become more withdrawn emotionally and intimately.
  • He/she is spending more time on the computer.
  • You sense a lot of anger toward things that normally would not bother your spouse.

Common excuses for cheating...

"God is not mocked, we reap what we sow"-Jesus Christ


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    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Thanks TSablirab! Sorry for that injustice on your mom. I hope she get's vindicated with a better job. 'Glad too, you liked this hub.

    • profile image

      TheSablirab 7 years ago

      Funny you should have that last quote, "You reap what you sow". I was just saying that to my mom about a job she just lost; my mom didn't really do anything wrong (it was more of the customer's fault than her own). Anyway, great read and enjoyed it as always.

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      AEvans, i agree counseling is always a better option to seeking divorce. Love and trust can be regained if two are willing to work things out. You are indeed blessed, like i feel i am, to have found faithful partners, after experiencing being cheated on. Thanks for your input and visit.

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Well-written I was cheated on many moons ago and Thank goodness I now know the signs but after that horrific incident God blessed me with a wonderful spouse, he is a blessing. I have had friends who cheated on there spouses instead of trying to work through there own issues, what was sad is when you would see them going through Divorces only to find that when they married the person they cheated with, it didn't work either. I believe before someone steps out-of-line they should discuss there problems or seek counseling there is always a way to re-kindle the passion if two people work together. Great read! :)

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Oh, i would love to find that song and listen to it CC. Gosh, thank you for the 2 thumbs up, so nice of you really. Like i said, i wish cheating on no one, because it hurts.

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      There is an Alan Jackson song with the same title and a similar message, albeit in a slightly more lighthearted manner. Infidelity never results in a happy ending and I am always amazed by those who never seem to see that, on both sides of the fence! Fantastically written~two thumbs up!

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      James, many of us learn the hard way, which is to experience and go through life's tough lessons. I guess we're in good company and we now find ourselves in a happy, happier place. Thanks for the read and comment. My best to you and your lovey!

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

      This is a great Hub, my dear. I have been cheated on by several different women—a long time ago. I finally realized I was simply using the wrong criteria when deciding who I was interested in. I made an adjustment and it hasn't happened since.

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Lol Lancelonie! You are cool! Thanks for the visit.

    • lancelonie profile image

      lancelonie 7 years ago

      Curse those cheaters! LOL!

      Interesting hub! Very cool!

      Thanks for sharing! :)

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      G, it's always great to 'hear' from you! You are one of the more fortunate ones, not to be scarred early, or at all! I know a lot out there who can't move on after it happens. I guess i'm a survivor, thank God.

    • GPAGE profile image

      GPAGE 7 years ago from California

      IV! Very good hub my dear. I'm sorry about your early experiences. This happened to a very good friend of mine and she never got over it. Still. You are fortunate to have had good support and friends. My first love was very devoted and faithful and this gave me the strength to know that I could trust. We were together for two years and then I moved on. Youth. I'm so happy for your life now and your journey because that is how you have become the wonderful you.


    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Thanks Sandyspider!

    • Sandyspider profile image

      Sandy Mertens 7 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

      Great hub.

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      BeiYin, your words are so full of wisdom, i wish they were mine to add to this hub on what i thought was a difficult subject. But, thanks so much for your valuable insight, and i have to agree about what you described as a 'fake reality' and that, 'We are all more or less 'cheats' because this is part of our nature...' Much appreciation for your visit and greetings. God bless you!

    • BeiYin profile image

      BeiYin 7 years ago from Ibiza Spain

      Your hub contains more wisdom than what most people will be able to grab. It is clear that your writing comes out of your life experience and not just from an adapted concept...

      I don't know yet how far it goes, - I will read more of your hubs.

      "Cheats live in darkness and thrive on lies. Nothing good comes out of them. - There are many kinds of cheats,..." Yes, that's right, although it looks to me that we are all still living in the 'dark' although we have lifted up our self image with all kind of 'spiritual' and other beautiful ideas. Without doubt this society represents and reflects darkness, - the results we see all around are enough proof. We are all more or less 'cheats' because this is part of our nature to be able to survive with our self image and the needs and established urges, being part and building up our 'personality', that is the product and result of our state of evolution and imbedded and supported by our society. With other words: A fake reality!! We will get out of our cheating behavior, when growing beyond our personality.

      Our life is not only a battle field were we are the victims, is is also a challenge in our learning, growing and healing process. Islandvoice, you will know this or if not, then looking at your life, then you will see it. I will for sure come back to read your hubs. For now I am sending you brotherly greetings from one island to yours...

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Ethel: Thanks for the read

      Mickey Dee: Almost ruined mine for sure! Thanks for coming by

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Great hub. Deception ruins so many lives. Thanks

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 7 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      Wise words indeed. Most reap what they sow sooner or later.

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Quill: You are so right. The price in hurt and pain is much too great to pay for the offended and the offender. But, it happens all over, and you would think people would already learn from other's mistakes. Thanks for your input and visit.

      Dohn:So you know what it's like to be fooled and lied to by someone you care for? Good for you that you didn't marry her. Trust is key in a good and lasting relationship. I'm not happy that it happened to me, but i am happier that i am with a wonderful faithful man. You are right on about our heart being a reliable detector. Best to you!

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 7 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      Whenever I read your hubs, I learn more and more about you, IV. I'm sorry that that happened to you as it has happened to me as well. Even with five different people came to tell me about it, I was in denial. I even gave "K" a chance to come clean, to admit to me that she did and she STILL denied it. It drove me batty. Now, she's married with three children and I don't have the slightest regret. Everything happens for a reason.

      You gave great tips here, IV, ones that anyone of us could surely use and when all else fails, our hearts are the best lie detectors, even if we don't want to believe it.

      Thanks again. I hope you're well.


    • profile image

      "Quill" 7 years ago

      For the few minutes of pleasure the price which is paid by all involved is far from worth it. Over the years I have seen the destruction too many times to wonder why it happens.

      Well written and painful for all whom this has happened to.


    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Thanks for sharing your own painful experience. Our children suffer the most. Sometimes you wonder why someone would cheat, then expect to be trusted again. You are a much better person for rising from the ashes. Best to you!

      Proudgrandpa: Life is full of lessons, and learn we must and become better people. You are much appreciated Neil!

    • proudgrandpa profile image

      proudgrandpa 7 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      Good Morning IslandVoice of wisdom,

      Such words of wisdom and pain are valuable to all of us. The fact that you value yourself and have the courage to share this so it will help others says so much about the person you have become in spite of or because of this life changing event. Thanks for being so brave. NEIL

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

      Your wrote an absolute superb hub and I know what you are writing about because I am a victim too. Also thinking it was my fault which they convince you. I kept the marriage going for over 10 years hoping he will see the point because of our son who are the most hurt and damaged. It went so bad I had to divorce him After five years he came knocking on my door wanted to talk. No no no more. I too lost the believe in mankind and still strangling. It so hard when you are not made like this and then you have to face it. Thank you for sharing.