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Fractured Fairy Tales - Once Upon a Time in the Stadium

Updated on October 21, 2009

Warning: Here be bad puns

if you don't like horribly bad puns, run away now.

Otherwise, hang on tight and let me know if you get it.

Once upon a time in a land far away there was a baseball league. Neighboring towns formed teams to compete on the weekends when the dragons were away on holiday. Ordinary citizens joined the teams, taking time from their real jobs to play simply for the love of the game. Most of the players were amateurs, but once in a while a town would pool their resources to hire a 'ringer'; a professional player who increased their chances of winning the coveted weekend tournaments.

One pleasant town, Pleasantville, enjoyed a particularly plentiful harvest of plums. The citizens scraped together sufficient funds to bring in a stud power hitter, Studs McHitter. As the big game with rival Shelbyville approached they became giddy with baseball fever. With their newly acquired athlete they believed they were invincible.

Shelbyville boasted a terrific young pitcher, Harry McHurler, who threw hard but tended to lose control of his temper. Throughout the game he mowed down the Pleasantville batters while mercilessly teasing them. He was particularly hard on kindly Zachary Smith, the weak-hitting town doctor. Each time Doc Smith came to the plate McHurler insulted his manhood, threw at his head, then struck him out with ease. Shelbyville fans loved the show. Pleasantville players were not amused. Studs McHitter boiled.

As the narrative would have it, the game was tied in the bottom of the ninth. Studs McHitter faced Harry McHurler with two outs and the game on the line. McHitter ignored the endless stream of insults from the pitcher's mound. He focused on the ball, only the ball. With a 3-2 count, he crushed a fast ball over the left field dragon for a game winning home run. Pleasantville lived happily ever after. Harry McHurler was given his unconditional release by Shelbyville and never pitched again.

The moral of the story: If you're going to talk to the doc, you'd better walk the jock.


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    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I loved it! The story is breezy and refreshing, and building to the final, earth-shattering conclusion!

      And here I was thinking that Shelbyville was a metaphor for Russia, and Pleasantville was Poland. I've got to stop thinking so hard.

      By the way, why is the neighboring town always named Shelbyville?

      Well done!

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 8 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      I knew you have to be bats to play baseball or cricket but not that they held dances too.

      Gee, I'm learning all the time in Hubpages!!

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 8 years ago from Moundsville, WV

      Another possible moral, don't let an elephant mouth overload a hummingbird ass.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @cally2: Yes, baseball is like Cricket. Bats and balls. :)

    • cally2 profile image

      Paul Callaghan 8 years ago from Paraparaumu, New Zealand

      Got the pun at the end but am a little confused about some of the others. Is baseball like cricket?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @neysajasper: Thanks, an oldie but a goodie.

    • neysajasper profile image

      neysajasper 8 years ago

      Another old story format but i like it and enjoyed because content is different!!! keep it up

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @The Old Firm: Good one!

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 8 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      And don't carry Harry if you want to collar Studs.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 8 years ago

      I love it.. Nothing beats a good fairy tale. Thanks..