From a Child's Perspective, What They Seem to Hear.....

When you see a child, no matter what the age, they are small and innocent with big sad eyes and cute little button noses, right?

Maybe we are wrong! Maybe children are actually aliens sent from another planet to invade earth and make all the adults in the world insane so that they can come and take over our planet. How you ask? By teaching the children the language of adults incorrectly. Don’t believe me? Well, let’s look at things the way children seem to see them and we will compare.

Of course children aren't really aliens, right? Maybe they just see the world with a fresh mind and thus understand things differently...

• Go to bed--This one has plagued humankind for generations. We tell the children to go to bed, but somehow it sounds to them as if we have told them to “go play in your room or whatever room you want until I get angry and then you can go play in your room until I fall asleep”. I have tried to use reverse psychology on my own children a time or two with this one, but telling them to go play in their room only resulted in their going and playing in their room. You just can't win sometimes.
• Quiet down--This must mean “get louder, I can’t hear you” because they get louder with every moment until you think they must be going to bring the house down.
• Stop talking--This one must mean “please explain your reasoning”, because they must now loudly proclaim that they were only trying to tell you (whatever it was they were trying to tell you) for the next hour and a half while you are still trying to tell them to Stop Talking.
• Don’t touch that--A good one here. This one can only mean “you can touch that all you want, but make sure you break it when you are done” because that is exactly what they do. But, first they have to move a little closer and a little closer and then wait until you aren't paying attention to them anymore. Then it is every breakable item for themselves.
• Eat--We eat three times a day, and have snacks in-between meals. That should be enough time for most young children to learn what the word eat means. However, when you sit them down at the table and tell them to eat, do they? Nope, they play with everything on the table until their food is ice cold so that they can complain that it doesn’t taste good anymore and it's cold. I tried to work this one out by reheating it in the microwave, but then it was too hot. So they had to wait for it to cool and then it was too cold... I think you get the picture.

• Clean your room--Becomes "shove everything under the bed and in the closet so that you can see the floor".
• Be good--Becomes "don’t listen to a word I say".
• Stay with me--Becomes "let’s race".
• Hang up your coat--Becomes "throw your coat anywhere you happen to be, especially if it is in the middle of the room".
• Pick up your toys--Becomes "pick up a toy and put it in a different spot".
• Get dressed--Becomes "run around the house naked screaming that you don’t know what to wear so that you, as a loving parent, will go up and pick out something for them, especially if you are in a hurry".
• Put your clothes away--Becomes "put them on your bed until it is time to go to bed and then shove them on the floor".
• Don’t track mud on my clean floor--Becomes "get as muddy as possible and then test the wax job on my floor by walking over as much of it as possible with your muddy shoes".

The most frustrating part of this whole mixed up mess is that the kids actually think they are correct in what they are doing. What did I tell you? Aliens.

This must mean wait until the animals have died of starvation and then remember that their food bowl is empty. (Not really, since they usually end up getting a full bowl of food from the adult who gave the request, right?) I had animals when I was growing up and I didn't have that much trouble taking care of them. Ah, but I didn't have texting and TV time that had to be interrupted. I wonder if it would have been more of a chore if I had?

But I wasn't an alien from another planet. Or was I? Are we all aliens and just haven't figured it out? Are we getting ready to attack each other for control of the planet? Wait, what?!? No, it can't be! Or could it? (Dun dun dun)

• Don’t disturb me--This one just has to mean “I’m lonely so keep bugging me until I quit doing what I was doing”, because when I told my kids I didn't want to be disturbed, that is the first and only thing they did. And I love how they get close to the door, loudly argue about who should carefully open it and then loudly whisper "Mom? (or Dad)"
• Don’t spill that on my new rug (or anything else)--I stopped getting new rugs because even when I told them they couldn't bring drinks out of the kitchen they still managed to dump about half of it on my rug and the other half on my couch; for good measure, they would refill their glass and dump half of it on my kitchen floor. Now there isn't enough left to last the week and they are mad because they have to drink water until I get paid.
• Do your homework--I used to think that teachers gave kids homework to help them practice their lessons at home. Now, of course, I know it was just a ruse created to torture parents every week night . Because I would tell my kids to do their homework, and unless I was standing right over them with whip at the ready (not really), they thought about doing their homework for about an hour or so and then whined because it was time to go to bed and their homework wasn't done yet.

• Don’t touch the wild and/or caged animals because they will hurt you--must mean “put your hand and face right in the face of the animals because they absolutely love it when you do that”. How often have you gone to the zoo or preserve and told the kids repeatedly to stay away from the animals? And how often do you have to repeat that warning?
• Turn it off when you are done--must mean “my electric bill was kinda low this month so make sure everything in the house is turned on before you go out to play”. I'm sure none of you have ever had that problem, right? Everyone turns everything off and your bill is so low you are almost getting paid by the electric company, right? I did find help in surge suppressors. I plugged everything into a surge suppressor in bunches. Like all the TV and game systems into one and then at the end of the day that suppressor is clicked off. Same with the microwave-who needs a power hungry clock when a battery powered one on the wall works just as well. Try it. Oh, and don't tell the kids. They might hear something like "go get the surge suppressors" and then you'll be scrambling to get them all back from--maybe under the pile of clean clothes that ended up on the clean floor.

• Close the door you’re letting out the heat (or the cool air)--Is actually: “I miss the outside so much, I really wish you would leave the door open more often so I can see and feel it”. This one goes along with close the refrigerator door. I find myself repeating those two phrases often during my daily routine. I wish we had automatic doors.
• Move faster--Is actually: “slow down, I can’t keep up with you.” How frustrating is that when you are in a hurry and you need them to get out the door and in the car fast and they seem to be running in triple slow mode. I wish, at times like this, that we could use a remote control and hit high speed just this one time, you know.
• Sit down--Is actually: “stay standing up” or "run around". I think there might be a little hint of "please yell and shout" in there somewhere as well because that usually happens at this time. Don't try reverse psychology on this one because all you'll get is a funny look and then more noise.
• Get out of the way--Is actually: “I can’t trip on you way over there, get closer please”. I don't even know what to add to this one. I mean you try hard not to trip over your own child while the child is trying their best to make you trip over them. I will never understand their way of thinking--aliens?
• No--Is actually: “absolutely, by all means!” That I know is the work of aliens because how can children who are taught from birth that "no" means "no" suddenly believe that when you say "no" it can only mean "yes"?

If the above examples don't convince you, then remember this: "Everything you teach your child about right and wrong and how to do things is completely forgotten when they become teenagers and/or are out on their own". This is a well-known fact, especially when you consider how many phone calls you get with questions like "am I supposed to put the water in the pan before it boils?" and "can you wash my clothes this week (third week in a row) 'cause I forgot how". And don't forget this one: "Can I come home to eat? I forgot to buy groceries this week!"

Okay so I was joking when I said children are from an alien world and are here to take over our world, or that aliens are teaching our children the wrong language. But sometimes, it does seem that way, doesn't it?

I know there are a lot of parents out there giggling and thinking "yup that's what they do", and I'm sure I missed some things that other parents have experienced, so how about leaving me some ideas that you can think of and maybe together we can write another hub.