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Hilarious Random Sayings

Updated on July 12, 2011

Random Hilarious Sayings & Quotes


   God save me from my friends. I can protect myself from my enemies.
  ~Author : Claude Louis Hector de Villars Famous Hilarious Random Sayings

   Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention. But it has no persuasive value at all.
  ~Author : John Kenneth Galbraith Inspirational Random Hilarious Sayings

   Organization can never be a substitute for initiative and for judgment.
  ~Author : Louis D Brandeis Nice Quotes

   Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
  ~Author : Albert Einstein Great Sayings

   Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  ~Author : Unknown Meaningful Sayings

   Do not read beauty magazines. They only make you feel ugly.
  ~Author : Mary Schmich Popular Sayings

   There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
  ~Author : Anon Wise Quotes

   The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
  ~Author : Morrie Schwartz Witty Sayings

   No idea is so antiquated that it was not once modern; no idea is so modern
that it will not someday be antiquated.
  ~Author : Ellen Glasgow Motivational Sayings

   A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines.
  ~Author : Ralph Waldo Emerson Famous Quotes

   The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do, never does what he can do.
  ~Author : John Stuart Mill Inspirational Sayings

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  ~Author : John Benfield Nice Quotes

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    • profile image

      tennisluvr 5 years ago

      i laughed so hard tears ran down my legs

      automatic doors make me feel like a ninja

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      Keller 5 years ago

      You can't try to do things you simply must do them. Ray Douglas Bradbury Popular Quotes

      If man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles. Ben Franklin Inspirational Sayings

      And dreams in their development have breath,

      And tears, and tortures, and the touch of joy;

      They leave a weight upon our waking thoughts,

      They take a weight from off our waking toils,

      They do divide our being. Lord Byron Nice Quotes

      Hope, like the gleaming taper's light, Adorns and cheers our way And still, as darker grows the night, Emits a brighter ray. Oliver Goldsmith Motivational Sayings

      It's not the rules and regulations you follow carefully that will win you favor with God but rather offering your life to Him in complete faith that His Son, Jesus Christ, conquered sin and death on your behalf and for your salvation. James L Mathews Meaningful Sayings

      I am a galley slave to pen and ink. Honore' de Balzac Famous Sayings

      It is always the case that when the Christian looks back, he is looking at the forgiveness of sins. Karl Barth Wise Quotes

      Do not regret growing older. It's a privilege denied to many. Unknown Witty Sayings

      Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see. John Lennon Strawberry Fields Great Sayings

      God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. Benjamin Franklin Popular Quotes

      Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. Albert Einstein Inspirational Sayings

      Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. Ralph Waldo Emerson Nice Quotes

      The National Rifle Association are the gun nuts of the world. Cecil Andrus Motivational Sayings

      Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:

      And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! William Shakespeare Hamlet Act 5 scene 2 Meaningful Sayings

      Never judge a book by its movie. J W Eagan Famous Sayings

      To believe in something to yet proved and to underwrite it with our lives it is the only way we can leave the future open. Lillian Smith Wise Quotes

      I sing all kinds. Elvis Presley Witty Sayings

      It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal. Hellen Keller Great Sayings

    • profile image

      Brittany 5 years ago

      Bored as Jello that doesn't Jiggle! :p

    • profile image

      person 5 years ago

      When u don't know how to spell a word just put a E at the end to make the word look fancy.

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      poophead 5 years ago

      That awkward moment when one of your parents is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink...... ;D

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      janet 5 years ago

      when i look up at the sky,i can somtimes hear the pirate singing there evening meals.

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      lace 5 years ago

      If youre wanting to make pancakes...then make em.

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      babe gurl 5 years ago

      I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

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      happymania123 5 years ago

      i hate it when people chew like retarded cows :P

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      logan 5 years ago

      grr.. im a fish... u jealous

      I have skittles in my mouth. do you wanna taste the rainbow?

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      Daniel 6 years ago

      Is youre name Gillette? Cuz ur the best a man can get! :)

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      Anonymous  6 years ago

      U just don't hav a sense of humor... How old r u? Like 60

    • profile image

      Dennis 6 years ago

      None of these are funny...how old are you people like 5..so freakin dumb

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      awesome pants! 6 years ago

      you guys are all gay and fat and retarted! especially the girl who only cares about chocolate. this is a website for funny jokes not retards like all of you flipping retards! how about all of you go get a life because i Dont see one around. p.s. Im still looking.... all i have to say.

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      marebear 6 years ago

      I put the STD in stud all I need is U ;)

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      Instagator 6 years ago

      Making a woman smile is the easiest way to get her to spread her cheeks

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      Rob 6 years ago

      Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone else can see it but only you can get the warm feeling that it brings

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      fervor  6 years ago

      There are those times when you need a friend, but then there are those times when you need a friend to need YOU

      ~Source : Anonymous's fervor love quotes

      Life is a flower of which love is the honey

      ~Source : Victor Hugo

      Love cannot express the idea of music, while music may give an idea of love ~Source : Anonymous

      Love is what makes you smile when you're tired

      ~Source : Anonymous

      Love is an electric blanket with somebody

      else in control of the switch. ~Source : Cathy Carlyle's fervor love quotes

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      Pickup 6 years ago

      When the rich wage war, its the poor who die. cute baby quote by Socio

      In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? cool quote about Question

      You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine. sweet sayings by Cool Pickup

      Jesus saves. Satan invests. cute saying about cute baby quote

      If you don't like the weather in St. Louis, wait 15 minutes, it'll change. sweet quotations about World

      If loving you makes a slave of me, then I'll spend my whole life in chains.~Sophie B. Hawkins cool sayings on Love

      Buy a gun support the constitution. cute baby quote by Cool Pickup

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      cool  6 years ago

      Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes. cool sayings on Pickup Lines

      The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. sweet msn quotes by Cool Girl

      Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions. cool quote about One liner

      Common Sense is very Uncommon. sweet sayings by Wiseman

      I drank what? cute saying about sweet msn quotes

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      Random quotes 6 years ago

      If you're happy, you're successful.

      Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

      If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.

      If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.

      I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

      The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.

      I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.

      Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

      Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.

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      Danielle  6 years ago

      Why did the cook get arrested? For beating an Egg!

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      Jenna 6 years ago

      You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

      Don't knock on death's door ring the bell and run he hates tha

      While at hogwarts i wil not : sing off to see the wizard when sent to the headmasters office

      Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate

      Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

      I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away

      You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'

      It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone

      When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

      Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much

      You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

      I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

      Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them

      I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

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      blRoo 6 years ago

      Just a skittle in the world of m@ms

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      Urmom@thebomb.com 6 years ago

      That's what she said...

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      Madison(: 6 years ago

      If life gives you lemons, exchange it for chocolate(;

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      lessy 6 years ago

      your moms rated E for everyone.

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      Bubblez :P 6 years ago

      If Life hands you Lemons, Make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it:)

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      aldsfja 6 years ago

      Its Random.....! Duh! Thats the point of this page!

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      diemotherfuckerdie 6 years ago

      everything is Organized in a Disaterly manner(:

      Question - Why did the chiken cross the road?

      Answer - Because motha fucka!

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      Ernie 6 years ago

      Little piece of advice> when the sign says 'high voltage', RUN LIKE HELL!!!

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      Iluvcheeseanddontforgetit 6 years ago

      If the grass is truly greener on the other side, it means someone simply took the time to water it

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      Erica 6 years ago

      Eff Yuhh see kayy me ;)

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      suc my cockroach 6 years ago

      there were 3 boy blonds and ......i just dont fell lik finishing the joke

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      James Dyck 6 years ago

      Kiss My Crass

    • profile image

      James Dyck 6 years ago

      Sometimes it's better to be Wrong than Dead Right

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      CaNdYlAnD 6 years ago

      Apples. :D

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      Sommer  6 years ago

      don't worry about the people

      in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to the future

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      imbatman 6 years ago

      Never try Never fail...

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      hahaha 6 years ago

      my friend says this 2 me when i stay home from school "lucky turd"

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      RUBY 6 years ago

      why does a GUMMY BEAR complain? ANSWER: he just ran out of Gummy berrie juice. LMAO

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      Icky-_-thump 7 years ago

      When I went outside I saw a monster and said oh hey cosin naomi how's the family

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      natasha 7 years ago

      i like some of them and some of them are really really gay

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      GUMMY BEAR 7 years ago

      What is the deal with the stupid election. To me it is all a bunch of bull. And I am sick of those stupid voting adds... grrrrrrrrr :\

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      GUMMY BEAR 7 years ago

      What is the point of this website... I think it is a bit weird. lol :)

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      GUMMY BEAR  7 years ago

      I like sheep. lol :)

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      does anyone know the point of this website?! 7 years ago

      this pillow brings me great joy......

      ya, wer walking....we luv polar bears..and the best spot to do that!.....the middle of the street,so deal with it.actually u hav to cuz theres no sign that says we cant.

      AWWWWWW NAAAHHHHHH!MY WIRELESS COMMUNICATION DEVICE!

      AWWWWWW NAAAHHHHHH!MY WIRELESS COMMUNICATION DEVICE ENERGY CONVERTER![A.K.A. CELL PHONE AND CHARGER]

      this lamp intriuges me....

      does anyone else hav a pet deer named frank outside their window at night??????.....or is it just me?

      is anyone else deathly afraid of stairs?or is it just me again?....awwww cmon!

      im special...thats rite,i trip UP stairs.anyone can fall down,but it takes talent to fall up.

      has anyone ever locked themselves in their room by accident and couldnt get out,so u climbed out your window onto the roof and into your sisters room?...just me again.....great.

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      Im dah hoe yo 7 years ago

      Eat drink and be happy, because tomorrow they will make it illegal.

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      too_old_4_this_shit 7 years ago

      • You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication

      • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

      • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

      • I’m ignoring you, but feel free to leave a message.

      • I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

      • His teeth are brighter than he is.

      • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

      • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

      • I would insult you but you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway so why bother?

      • And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

      • I don’t get why they call it school. Its just Hell with fluorescent lighting.

      • If there were a cult for bullshit you would be the leader.

      • With all due respect. You’re a (n) ___________

      • I'd try to see things from your point of view but my head won't fit that far up my ass

      • Do your parents know that your outside with out your helmet again

      • And I care because….

      • I’m sorry. This was all my fault. I forgot about your “special” problem.

      • I’ll forgive you when you give me proof that you were born and not sent from the devil.

      • You are so ugly they slapped your mom when you were born.

      • You prove that even god makes mistakes.

      • Find a friend who cares. Better yet, find a friend

      • Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.

      • If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.

      • You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.

      • Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense

      • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

      • If I had knocked over your stuff, it would have been thrown with great force

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      anyone out there want to chat?use the comments to talk! 7 years ago

      if u hav a friend that hates scary movies,for their birthday take them to a suprise movie in the theaters.and make sure its the scariest one out:]

      i did this.............she got so scared she began to cry.and me,her luving bff,made her stay.i got a but kicking after that!!!!........but it was sooo worth it.

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      Amelia  7 years ago

      We had gay burgulars brake in the other day... they rearranged my furniture

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      Y should we tell U?! 7 years ago

      if ur evr being stalked and the doorbell rings,make sure its not the neighbors before u hold up the steak knife.theyll move away 2 weeks l8tr.[yes this really happened to us!.....dont judge.and uve got to believe it cuz,well,who could make this up?!?]

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      Y should we tell U?! 7 years ago

      if someone evr rings the doorbell multiple times,just open the door and scream 'CANT U SEE IM NOT FRICKEN HOME!'

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      Y should we tell U?! 7 years ago

      hiss.snarl.grrr.GRASS!!!......lol.

      OH SHIT!......here we go.

      i told ur boyfriend he was gay and he slapped me with his purse.

      ok just ease off the edge.whoa whoa whoa!OH MY GOOOOO.........THUMP.

      when life gives u lemons.trade them for the brownies.[no one likes lemons]

      when life gives u an opsticle to go over,dont bother crossing it.just go around.

      we r goin to pizza hut,wat do u want?....PASTA!i want pasta.

      ok we will go on my mark.on 3.........ok,1-go!

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      TWILIGHT LOVER 7 years ago

      Is a fly without wings called a walk?

      Wouldn't it be a good idea to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

      If Wal-Mart is lowering prices everyday, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

      Ever wonder what the speed of lightning is if it didn't zigzag?

      If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, is it misspelled?

      If it is misspelled, how wouldwe know?

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      PersonYouDon'tKnow 7 years ago

      I am the holder of jokes and the ruler of funny;

      I keep your drinks steady and measure how long it takes for you to pee in your pants.

      author-ME

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      Antoon 7 years ago

      Don't talk to be about god damn maturity, im not a piece of cheese!

      Something from a film i watched that made me lol.

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      charliezz 7 years ago

      Did you just call me a BITCH? Well, a bitch is a DOG, Dogs BARK, Bark is on TREES, Trees are a part of NATURE, and nature is BEAUTIFUL. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.

      Save the Earth it's the only planet with chocolate.

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      ThePurplePanda 7 years ago

      An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind ~Ghandi

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      Jenna 7 years ago

      Before you critize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you critize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes. :]

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      alhjgfoasjg 7 years ago

      Time only kills you.

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      cj 7 years ago

      Do you see love at first sight? Or do i need to walk by again?

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      Tara 7 years ago

      i remember in elementary school when all the kids found a hair in there lunch...they didnt really think it was gross, they just realized they were halfway done with whatever they were eating and they wanted some more so they acted like the hair thing was a big deal.

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      tiffany 7 years ago

      its only funny till someone gets hurt .... then its hilarios

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      kiki 7 years ago

      if an orange is called orange, then why isnt a lemon called yellow and a lime called green?

      Mature dialogue between three old men: "it's windy"..."no, it's thursday"..."me too, let's go get a beer"

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      don3388 7 years ago

      if love is blind then how can there be love at first sight.

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      schwaka check!!! 7 years ago

      funnnnnnyyyy

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      Joe 7 years ago

      My spanish teacher taught my how to say mi no hablo espenol

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      Chelsea S. 7 years ago

      I get how scizzors can beat paper, and how rock can beat scizzors, but there is no way that paper beats rock. What's it supposed to do, wrap around the rock and magically make it immobile? Next time someone claims to have beaten me with paper, I'll hit them with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you." (:

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      chelsea 7 years ago

      fter twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

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      teddy 7 years ago

      dont ever ever ever EVER.!

      eat a bunny as soon as its in yhur tummy

      yhu will be tiklish as a mo'fo.

      srry i qot bored well umm qud sayinqs lady person.

      or are yhu a man.?

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      swaffel koning 7 years ago

      They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?

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      $#@R)33 7 years ago

      there is always a light at the end of a tunnel; just make aure it isn't a train

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      Joseph 7 years ago

      Nicee Sayings thanks

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      Jazzmin 7 years ago

      dont insult the alligater untill AFTER you cross the river