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How To Kill Vampires

Updated on September 28, 2009

Kill Vampires

Vampire Drawing by Wayne Tully 2009.
Vampire Drawing by Wayne Tully 2009.

How To Kill Those Vampires

Vampires, like those undead zombies are nasty creatures, they are another form of the undead and only come out at night, there are many ways to kill them and they involve some very classic and messy deaths for the vampire.

Firstly a good old stake to the heart, as a child at school when I said to another kid about killing a vampire you need toput a stake in their hearts and he replied "what if he doesn't like steak?"

The stake typically made of wood would be sharpened to a fine point and you need to drive it right through the heart of the vampire, even though they are dead and therefore don't have a heart beat, which is something that has always puzzled me about this killing method for vampires, but oh well....after a good staking a direct chop to the neck to decapitate the head is needed to make sure the job is done, you could do this with an axe, a sword, but definitely not a butter knife as it may tickle the vampires neck a bit.

Direct sunlight - In Blade, they wore sunblock factor whatever to walk around during the day, but this was just a clever attempt at well being clever, so abandon the sun screen and smash them windows for the sunlight to shine through and watch them burn...for a very crispy vampire turn over occasionally every few minutes and fan the flames on the barbecue.

Holy Water - A splash of this is no good, you need a couple of gallons to splash all over them, a water gun could be useful to burn out their eyes or something, but carry some buckets with you when travelling into vampire land and water the suckers

Garlic - Right, the laughable one out of the others, it could work with garlic puree to smear all over their armpits and behind their ears, but it aint going to work on it's own you may have to combine this one with Holy water as Garlic only scares vampires off apparently.

You could however throw a vampire in a swimming pool of garlic or something, but this would take a bit of planning and it depends if pool parties are their thing!

Holy Crosses - Traditionally speaking crosses might not kill a vampire, but in some films it has been known to be effective at making a vampire back off a little until you can get out a cross bow and stake the sucker through the heart, although watch out for those tricky vampires that can make the crosses melt as this would bugger your little vampire killing plan up slightly, always have a back up of a few crosses, just in case they get melted...I once knew of a vampire being killed by someone who put the cross down his pants and gave him a nasty wedgy, two lottery ball numbers came up that night, but that was it!

These of course are the main ways to kill a vampire, but if you get inventive and slightly creative about it there are infinite variations that you can try, such as burning a vampire on a cross stake at sunlight or give them a wake up call during the day time in their coffins with a jack hammer, it's entirely up to you, together we could make this world a better place, any other suggestions just leave your comments below!

Vampire Got Staked Through Heart Boo Hoo


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