Essential Tips on How to Raise and Keep a Dragon

Having raised untold numbers of Dragons, I feel myself a bit of an expert, but a humble expert, in the field and willing to exfoliate the accumulated knowledge I have accrued over the years.

'To those who have ears, let them them hear', to quote someone who said it before I did.

The intricate knowledge I possess on the art and science of raising a Dragon is simple and at the same time fantastical (as one might expect) so it behooves us (you and I...unless there is someone else here I am unaware of ) to take our time in delineating our subject, splaying it across the examination table, and delving deeply into it many facets.

Asking if you are sensitive, is not an off-hand question. Dragons are delicate creatures, at least when they are born, and require someone with great sensitivity. Dragons, being mythical, are not easy to deal with. They require semi-substantial meals, partially-existent conversations,quasi-questionnable questions,heart-felt intimations,subtle suggestions and a panoply of other converstional delicacies that you must have at your fingertips. If you think you are such a person then you can consider yourself a candidate for 'dragon-keeping'.

There was a day, back in the day, (back back BACK in the day) when dragons were a dime a dozen. Indeed they did at one time rule the earth and men were simply there for them as 'appetizers'. That day has long passed.

Now dragons are few and far between with the largest majority of them living their private homes and estates along the Yang-tse River in China, the Ping Mountains in Tibet and many other well-kept domiciles around the world, including Florida (the older dragons often move there from Canada to retire, hence the name Snow-Dragons) and a handful of other locations. Dragons always have non-listed phone numbers so don't think of tracking them down that way, and they use aliases like John Smith and Cindy Lauper so that you can't tell them apart by looking at their mail or driver's license. If you are to find a dragon you must be very very clever and very wily--appearing to say one thing but meaning another--not unlike Mitt Romney for example.

However, if you are very keen on getting your hands on a dragon, it can be done. Remember, dragons come in an enormous variety of sizes--some no bigger than a quark and then right up to the size of Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto (see photo). Because of this 'size differential' it is necessary you have the right tools for your dragon-hunting. You can't catch a dragon so small that it can dance on the head of a pin using a standard butterfly-net. He will just slip right through the holes. ON the other hand, winged-serpents of this sort cannot be brought down by typical hunting methods such as digging a hole in the ground and covering it with leaves and branches and hoping a dragon will simply walk over it one day and fall in. After all, he has wings, and will just fly out again.

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The most prevelant dragon still extant in the Northern U.S. and Canada, is the Dragonus Comonus,(Commnon Dragon) which frequents marshy areas,hilly-tops,lowly-bottoms and interstitial sand-bars on the Eastern Seaboard. It grows to one-foot in height, has green scales,blue stomach,red eyes and a wingspan of several meters. The United States Coast Guard has been officially instructed not to admit their existence, but insiders know that the Dragonus Comonus is as real as any wispy dream,hallucination,or fanciful creation.

When questioned the authorities are instructed to say: "Trick of the light, Mam. Just a trick of the light."

This fools no true dragon-afficionado however who know, deep in their hearts, that the dragon they saw was corporeally insufficient, and materially marginal, and hence has the possiblity of being as concrete as any fabled wonder.

it is best to go dragon-catching on nights when there is a full moon, as they show-up better by moonlight than under any other means of illumination. If you are impatient, and cannot wait for a full-moon, use a bees-wax candle and carry a cardboard box.

Once you spot the creature, he will likely be guarding a pile of gold coins,and other gems he has collected from the unwary tourists at Coney Island. Using gloves, gently pick him up with both hands, and place him in the box. Close the lid, pick up your candle and dance into the night. You now have a dragon to raise. Don't worry about the gold coins. The Coast Guard will find them and donate them to a good cause--or use them in their next Friday night poker game.

At any rate it's best to leave them where they are.

So, as to the raising of the dragon, now that you have one...well that is up to you.

I suggest a fire-proof vest and lots of patience.

Things to remember when trying to Catch a Dragon:

1. Don't use a tranquillizer gun on one. It may work for elephants, but if you tranquillize a dragon it will simply make him angry and he will use his fire-breathing capabilities to turn you into a char-broiled filet, which he will then consume with Dejon mustard and a little sea-salt.