Inventions I'd Like to See
Shoelaces designed to break at other than the worst possible moment.
A suitably pretentious under-$10-a-bottle wine I can foist on my oenophilic friends.
Guns that fire only mini-marshmallows.
Cars with 25-mile-an-hour bumpers that propel a day-glo ‘STUPID’ sticker onto the offending vehicle.
Geriatric teddies to liven up nursing homes.
Cellphones and Bluetooth headsets that come with their own ‘cones of silence’.
A dog that doesn’t salivate, and that has odorless fur and breath.
80-proof whipped cream.
More bizarros at rickzworld.
A political podium with combination microphone/lie detector built in.
A load and embarrassing alarm with flashing lights triggered at any cash register when a customer tries to pay with a check for merchandise totaling less than $10.
Self-changing diapers with built-in air freshener and haz-mat wrap.
A personal jet that requires less-than-video-game skill to fly.
Aphrodisiac calcium supplements to save aging marriages.
A combination GPS/television remote control that will find ME for a change.
Traffic cops with a sense of humor.
Shrinkwrap plastic that’s actually weaker than the item it encases.
Pill bottle caps that aren’t adult-proof.
Non-alcoholic Scotch labeled as if it was 43% alcohol, to disarm my normally drunken lout of a brother-in-law next Christmas.
Self-cleaning and –deodorizing and –disposing cat litter. (Or maybe just a reasonably realistic-looking and –acting robot cat that never poops.)
DMV workers that move in real time.
A neural implant device for elderly drivers that automatically triggers the correct turn signal.
Sex Thursday.
