Inventions I'd Like to See

Shoelaces designed to break at other than the worst possible moment.

A suitably pretentious under-$10-a-bottle wine I can foist on my oenophilic friends.

Guns that fire only mini-marshmallows.

Cars with 25-mile-an-hour bumpers that propel a day-glo ‘STUPID’ sticker onto the offending vehicle.

Geriatric teddies to liven up nursing homes.

Cellphones and Bluetooth headsets that come with their own ‘cones of silence’.

A dog that doesn’t salivate, and that has odorless fur and breath.

80-proof whipped cream.

More bizarros at rickzworld.

A political podium with combination microphone/lie detector built in.

A load and embarrassing alarm with flashing lights triggered at any cash register when a customer tries to pay with a check for merchandise totaling less than $10.

Self-changing diapers with built-in air freshener and haz-mat wrap.

A personal jet that requires less-than-video-game skill to fly.

Aphrodisiac calcium supplements to save aging marriages.

A combination GPS/television remote control that will find ME for a change.

Traffic cops with a sense of humor.

Shrinkwrap plastic that’s actually weaker than the item it encases.

Pill bottle caps that aren’t adult-proof.

Non-alcoholic Scotch labeled as if it was 43% alcohol, to disarm my normally drunken lout of a brother-in-law next Christmas.

Self-cleaning and –deodorizing and –disposing cat litter. (Or maybe just a reasonably realistic-looking and –acting robot cat that never poops.)

DMV workers that move in real time.

A neural implant device for elderly drivers that automatically triggers the correct turn signal.

Sex Thursday.