- Education and Science
Jonas Brothers Held in Reserve in Attempt to Resolve North Korean Conflict
HOLLYWOOD, CA, US (Nicomp News Network) - High ranking officials in the Obama administration confirmed today that negotiations with North Korean representatives are ongoing regarding the use of the Jonas Brothers to settle nuclear weapon proliferation.
Despite the popular public perception that Jonas Brothers coloring books, magazines, T-shirts, and lunch boxes are mostly harmless money wasters for children, government officials have long recognized the potential power of "Jo Bro" expertise in resolving international conflicts.
General Montgomery Burns, assistant deputy undersecretary of Pop Culture at CIN COM PAC DIL BERT spoke on the record about limiting use of Jonas Brothers technology to influence the North Koreans. "North Korean nuclear arms research has become a point of concern for peaceful countries in that region of the world", he stated. "Our negotiators continue to examine every aspect of peaceful resolution, but we understand that implementing Jonas Brothers Technology is only to be used as a last resort. We understand full well the impact of Year 3000 Jonas Brothers weapons", he added.
Jonas Brothers lyrics have been recently added to the list of US Export Restrictions, along with 1024 bit cryptography software and essays by Mark Knowles.
General Burns declined comment on rumors swirling around possible deployment of Jonas Brothers lyrics into the North Korean populace. Sources high in the US State Department who declined to be identified but are definitely not daughters of the president, stated that "the coolness of Nick Jonas all by himself would be enough to cause the North Koreans to stop being so mean."
Internet blogs and other reputable sources are buzzing with accounts of massive ongoing government-backed efforts to divert back issues of Tiger Beat and Cosmo Girl into North Korea. Rumors persist of an entire Passaic, New Jersey warehouse filled with busily translating pre-teen spelling bee champions. Security experts estimate that a single shipping container filled with issues of Cosmo Girl, strategically delivered to school yards in North Korea, could set back the North Korean science community by up to 5 years.
At a recent press conference, Apple Computer spokesperson Joey Votto discussed corporate tactics for integrating the California companies' technology into North Korean Society. He hinted that Apple was considering unleashing iPod nanos on unsuspecting North Korean citizenry, but stopped short of endorsing any strategy that included pre-loading Jonas Brothers music or videos on the players. "We at Apple strongly desire to remain good corporate citizens in the world community", he asserted. He also noted that Apple is fully aware that a totally brain-dead generation of children would seriously impact Apple's advanced product development efforts. "If every child under 18 years old is hooked on the Jonas Brothers, Apple will have significantly fewer iPod application developers", he observed.
Despite repeated requests, the Jonas Brothers Conglomerate declined our requests for an interview. They did respond with the following email:
Like, dude, thanks for asking about us. The Jo Bros have never been to the North of Korea but they love all their fans, even the ones that want to, like, wipe the United States off the map. If the US government wants us to, like, in the future, go over there and do some secret work for Uncle Sam, then we will probably be OK with that as long as we don't have a new DVD coming out or a haircut appointment or something important like that. Anyway, stay cool, remember that you can't hug your children with nuclear arms, and be sure to catch our new show on the Food Channel or the Discovery Channel, I can't remember which. And stop buying those lame Hannah Montana albums.