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Killing Vampires

Updated on October 3, 2009

Vampires Suck!

Kill All Vampires!
Kill All Vampires!

Killing Vampires

Oh those darned blood sucking vampires, they just never seem to die and when you want to get rid of one they just hang out for what seems like an eternity. Not only are they annoying with their fancy clothes, beautiful white complexions, and their air of arrogance, but they can put a real damper on things like going out at night. Here I will give advice on how to rid yourself of a vampire that is stocking you.

First Steps (prevention)

  • All vampires have no reflection, carry a small mirror for vampire detection when you meet new people.
  • Vampires have a real dislike for certain herbs like garlic, when you meet someone new ask them out for pizza or to a steak house and order something with garlic.
  • Vampires can't enter a home if they are not invited so if you meet someone you suspect is a vampire tell them they can't come over... this will send the vampire looking for a new victim.
  • Vampires have a deadly aversion to sunlight, make a lunch date at high noon with the person you suspect is a vampire and if they say they are more a night person you'll know to stay away.
  • Vampires really hate holy water, get some and put it into a mister and pretend you are hot and spray yourself but make sure you get some on them as well. If the person begins to scream and burn, well then that is a pretty obvious sign that they are a vampire.
  • Vampires don't like crosses. Wear a cross when you go out, if a vampire sees a cross they will go the other way.
  • Always hang garlic around the entrances of your home.

Killing a Vampire:

  • One sure way to kill a vampire is to take a stake and pound it into their heart while they are at rest, This means going into the vampire's lair (this could be very risky) make sure you pound the stake all the way through the body and into the earth below.
  • Cutting off the head, yes if you take the head the vampires dead.
  • Burning and dismemberment, If you cut the vampire into pieces and burn the corpse there will be no return for the unfortunate vamp.
  • Vampires cannot survive in full sunlight, if you are caught with no weapons at your disposal and you are just trying to survive till dawn keep one step ahead of that pesky fanged creep and make sure you are outside when the sun rises.

Hope this helps you with your vampire problems.


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    • Cow Flipper profile image

      Sean Jankowski 8 years ago from Southern Oregon

      Oh yeah one more question how do you know those things don't work?

    • profile image

      cow flipper 8 years ago

      Shadow Man I'm sorry if you were offended, it was meant to be a satire post and not to be taken literally. This was meant to be funny not offensive.