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Mark Twain is an Imposter...

Updated on September 27, 2010

This is Not Mark Twain!

Photo courtesy of The Mark Twain Boyhood Home & Museum. Hannibal, Missouri
Photo courtesy of The Mark Twain Boyhood Home & Museum. Hannibal, Missouri

I beleive Mark Twain is really Samuel Clemens

I believe I may have "hard" evidence that Mark Twain is a fake! I would think it most appropriate that few characters were ever born on the day we could see Hailey's Comet and then pass on when, again Hailey's Comet passed by; how preposterous I say! Yes I believe Mark Twain is none other than the notorious, obsolete yet infamous Samuel Langhorne Clemens (also known as Samuel Clemmons-incorrectly). A person of little ill-repute who had a close association with Florida; however indeed, he resided far away from the state of Florida and apparently hardly ever stepped into the Sunshine State! Although until his death-bed he said he was from Florida! Is he a plain and simple white-suited liar or just white-suited some of the time? Well he isn't denying this lie! He is silent unlike this "writer"! This is an appropriate time to mention something he did indeed say, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

There is more (I ain't no fool), Mark or should I call him notorious Sam may indeed be buried somewhere 12 feet under; although I have little proof of this it just down-right seems to be the truth and I am proposing that we begin a significant escapade to determine where he indeed is. If we do not find him within the twain, we may at least find those WMD relating to the evidence of his existence. I propose he would have had great interest in that particular endeavor. It is only a rumour that Twain is 6 feet under (does not twain mean 12 feet?) at Woodlawn in Elmira, NY. If indeed it is true it would be interesting to dig-up his remains and compare it to Sam, side by side. I predict there would be no comparison...

I managed to uncover this (obsolete to fools) infamous quote written by none other than Mark Twain, himself; "A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself as a liar" This appears to be what one would call a confession. Is not this enough evidence to sway you. Is he not guilty of being the purveyor of this obsolete quote?

I could go on and on and I will go on and on and on because I have my facts and they are as straight as that line around the equator that goes on, and on and on; not to mention this sentence that appears to have no end or beginning it just goes on and on and on. Now, read these subtle suggestions from none other than..."Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." or "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."

Further more, Sam I am (not) mentioned in his typical subtle manner that "the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. As an avid Tampa Bay Lightning hockey fan I can attest to the fact that the Lightning's true symbol is a lightning bug and when ever the lightning strike you find the bug; bolt=bug...I may add another trivial quote (at least to the likes of me); "all generalizations are false including this one."

If Mark Twain was indeed real and not a fairy tale (one attribute of fairy tale characters is they usually have no descendants) would he not have many descendants? After exhaustive research (by others) using the following excellent and highly-recommended URL www.marktwainmuseum.orgI conclude that there are no living descendants of Mark Twain. How convenient? How suspicious I say! Interestingly enough I was able to research (again most exhaustively by others) this Clemens character's descendants. Guess what he too has no descendants! Apparently three of the Clemens children died before marrying, namely Langdon, Susy and Jean. Clara married and had one daughter namely Nina, who died with absolutely no children.

One of the many bits of information I learned from the executive director (Dr. Cindy Lovell) of this Mark Twain... Museum (and one of the few I still remember from her-UGH, her name sliped through my mind) was "it is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." I am silent; yet it is too late...


Formerly known as,

John Connor

and now I have been elevated negatively (a twain) to the status of Village Idiot (with a mental age of -12 which equates to the status of "less than an idiot"

Mark Twain (oops) sorry, I mean Samuel Clemens Review

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    • connorj profile image

      John Connor 3 years ago from Altamonte Springs

      I am not sure I understand your question. Are you saying I am of silly thoughts?

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 3 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      you wrote this just based on your review or your silly thoughts? Guess asking

    • SJLA profile image

      SJLA 5 years ago from Indiana

      Ha uh I read this and smiled, read it again and just outright laughed. You are truly a crafty fool, better that than simply just a fool. I applaud this keep it up.

    • connorj profile image

      John Connor 8 years ago from Altamonte Springs

      If you do, indeed, exist and I admit it appears that this lie maybe a lie. Then You Sir, must be a vampire (this makes my mind drift to two of my brats' favorite book-series, namely Twilight!

    • profile image

      Mark Twain (I presume) 8 years ago

      I do indeed exist and I continue to exist long past my apparent death unlike Samuel Clemens. I believe I may have unlocked the only "fountain of youth" (especially if your classic is about youth...)

    • profile image

      Fred Gaspi 8 years ago

      You are indeed a great idiot; however, this writing is excellent (at the expense of you) ...

    • connorj profile image

      John Connor 8 years ago from Altamonte Springs

      You idiot!