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How to Keep Monsters from Eating You

Updated on February 11, 2016

I'm 38, and there are monsters living under my bed

My name is Andrew, I'm 38 years old, and there are definitely monsters under my bed. It's okay, though- my girlfriend and I have developed a set of rules that will help to keep us safe from the monsters and help us sleep at night. If you have trouble sleeping at night, you'll probably want to jot down a few notes during this article, or you might just want to read this right before you get into bed to induce sleepiness. Either way, I'm cool with that.

When I get into bed, I have a compulsion that started with childhood, where my feet have to be covered up (I generally sleep barefoot). I can come up with no other reason than an irrational fear of monsters for needing to have that security of my feet needing to be covered, even in the middle of summer.

My naked feet, irresistible treats for monsters

Source

Rule number 1: body parts, especially feet, must be covered

All body parts except for your face must be covered. Feet are the most important example of this rule in action, but they're not the only thing. If you're leaving out your arm, you're taking a chance with the monsters, but it's better than leaving out your feet (sometimes you get hot, and you can bend the rules a little). Never, ever leave your feet out.

Monster vision

Did you fantasize about monsters as a kid?

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Rule #2: never hang out over the edge of the bed

The edge of the bed is a serious no-man's land. In my youth, I had a really active imagination, and it didn't matter if I had just had a spoon full of sugar or a caffeinated soda, or if it was time to go to sleep at night: my mind was going to do its thing. One construct I came up with is that the edge of the bed has a certain property, no doubt due to the monsters who live under the bed: they are capable of blasting a plane of energy out that completely surrounds the bed, directly upwards from the floor. If your poor hand or foot is hanging over the edge of the bed, prepare to have it surgically severed off by this blast of energy. Turns out, these monsters are pretty high tech.

No man's land, the edge of my bed

A dangerous precipice.
A dangerous precipice. | Source

Monster keepaways

Source

Never sleep alone

Whenever possible- and this may seem obvious, but it bears repeating- never sleep alone. Monsters under your bed are far, far less likely to attack you in the middle of the night if you're with someone else. In the unlikely event that you don't have a significant other, I heartily recommend adopting a senior Dachshund from the DRNA (Dachshund Rescue of North America) or other reputable organization. Weiner dogs, especially senior ones, make lousy guard dogs, it's true, but they make amazing monster guard dogs. Nobody is going to mess with me with these crazy animals on the bed with me!

We all have our quirks

What does this say about me, that I still have monsters in the back of my brain at age 38? Of course I fully know there are no ultra-futuristic harbingers of doom here in my bedroom, but my brain still bounces back to childhood, if only briefly, at night. I should mention that this is only the very loosest of "fears" in the sense that I have just built up a subconscious habit of balling up under the covers in a particular way, and making sure none of my skin is exposed, and so forth, through force of habit (three and a half decades of habit, as it turns out).

What are some of your crazy quirks? Do you have rituals before you go to sleep, or something you absolutely must do before you get into bed? I'd love to hear about them! We all have our odd compulsions, and life is all about living with them and embracing them, as I've done here. Happy sleeping!

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    • revolutionbjj profile image

      Andrew Smith 

      3 years ago from Richmond, VA

      Molly is a known expert monster-killer.

    • profile image

      HallieMolly 

      3 years ago

      Molly better step up her game as a monster-killer. She's about to be the only dog in the house.

    • profile image

      Bordini 

      4 years ago

      Pretty sure aliens count as monsters and therefore can be effectively repelled by dogs...

    • goatfury profile imageAUTHOR

      Andrew Smith 

      4 years ago from Richmond, VA

      @joshm - may as well just go with it at that point.

    • profile image

      joshm 

      4 years ago

      honestly the thought of aliens showing up while im trying to sleep. One I might be asleep when they attack/abduct me or two I would ignore that they just showed up because why would you actually believe they just landed its just some car pulling up right?! Meanwhile I get sneak attacked/abducted or just plain miss that they were there. Which may or may not have already happened.

    • goatfury profile imageAUTHOR

      Andrew Smith 

      4 years ago from Richmond, VA

      :-9 !

    • profile image

      Bordini 

      4 years ago

      The older the rescue dog, the better the guardian. ;-)

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Adler 

      4 years ago from California

      Oh, of course! Dogs are known monster-repellers ;-)

    • profile image

      Bordini 

      4 years ago

      If sharing the bed with another person, sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. If said monsters choose to attack, push your significant other over the bed as a sacrifice and bolt to the door to make your escape!

    • goatfury profile imageAUTHOR

      Andrew Smith 

      4 years ago from Richmond, VA

      @kalinin1158 - great point. I'd include dogs in that mix, too!

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Adler 

      4 years ago from California

      I would also add that while having a significant other in your bed is important and cannot be overstated, skin contact is what takes it to the next level and really makes your bed monster-proof. The rule is: you have to be touching in some way, no matter the body part. That lets the monsters know: move along, monsters, there is a monster shield in here :-)

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