By Wes J. Pimentel
Alright, guys, I didn’t want to do it, but this has gone too far. I’ve tried to ignore it, in the hopes that it would go away, but obviously some of you are just ridiculously dedicated to making some of us uncomfortable while we’re trying to use the bathroom. Well, now I’m doing something about it. This next section is a guide to responsible use of the little boys’ room, written with the express purpose of ridding America of this insidious social ill. Hopefully, through the use of this work, we can all live together in excretory harmony.
One would assume that the use of urinals is a pretty straight forward business. I thought so too, until time and time again I was confronted by one of these rebels. So, let’s get these out of the way first. Then we’ll move onto more complicated matters.
Pop Quiz: You enter a male latrine; there are five urinals; the only other guy in there is at urinal #1. Which urinal do you go to? If you answered #5, you’re a genius. If you said #4, you’re a little weird. If you said #3, you’re an asshole and if you had the audacity to even consider #2, the man using #1 should have the right to execute you on the spot. WHY. Why do people do this? It sounds unbelievable, but it has happened to me. I thought this was covered in manhood 101. When a man is exposing his penis, it is your DUTY to remain as far from him as humanly possible, in spite f your need to use the same facilities. I can’t believe I actually had to write this down. Get the hell away from me while I’m pissing!
The man throne. I believe the public toilet should be treated with as much respect and reverence as someone else’s bong. Whether it’s a little nasty or not, you may have to use it someday, and when you do, there are certain rules that must be followed.
First, proximity. This one’s easy. It’s the same as the urinals. If there’s another pooper in there before you, use the farthest stall from him. If there are three stalls and you’re the first customer and you go in the middle one, you should meet the same fate as Mr. Urinal #2 from the last section, because you suck.
Now that you’re actually sitting on the toilet, your actions should be determined by the possible combinations of the people around you. If there’s no one else around, it’s easy; sit, shit, go. From here it gets kind of complicated, so pay attention.
Whether there’s one non-shitter or a thousand in there with you, the rules are the same. First of all, for the love of everything pure in the world, keep your disgusting, feces-launching sounds to a minimum until you’re alone in there. This applies to butt noises as well as your mouth. Nobody wants to hear your sighs, grunts, moans, or straining. I shouldn’t have to get sick to my stomach on my way out of the bathroom, just because you felt the need to overindulge in Mexican food last night. Shut your mouth ‘til we leave. As far as your butt; do I really have to ask you to restrain your gas? If I can tell the exact texture and consistency of your excrement, you’re wrong. Stop it.
So, now let’s say the toilets are serving patrons other than yourself. What governs this scenario is the childhood rule of “firsties”; if you’re in there first, you got dibs. This means you’re in charge. For example, you’re on the John and some dude enters a stall after you. It is your duty to let him know what’s going on by using “crapper signals.” If you start clearing your throat a lot, rustling toilet paper, and moving your feet around so he can hear your belt, this lets him know you’ll be right out, so he can chill for a minute while you make your way out. If you stay completely silent, this lets him know you’ll be while, so he should “play through” (meaning poop and leave), like golf. You were in there first, so he must defer the comfort of a nice, private poo to you.
What if it is you who come upon someone else using one of the funk-funnels before you? Well, if it’s a low-traffic area, turn your ass around and wait outside ‘til that guy’s done. In just a couple of minutes he’ll be out and you can have the place to yourself, hopefully for the duration of your “event”. If, for whatever reason, you absolutely have to go at the same time, listen for his signals and respond accordingly. If he starts making a bunch of noise, he’s about to come out, so just chill, the place will be yours in a second. If all you hear is a stone-cold silence, you already know the deal. Under no circumstances should you go silent as well and try to wait him out. That would just be bad form. You know he’s got dibs, so do the right thing. Play through!
Generally speaking, the bathroom is no place to strike up some witty banter. Considering what goes on in a latrine, leaving as quickly as possible should come second nature to all of us. There are a select few who disagree with me. I’m sure you’ve met one of these jerks. This is the guy who feels the senseless need to TALK to you from urinal #2 while you’re trying to piss. Our subconscious minds record every moment of our lives. The last thing I want is my dick and your voice on the same file. Shut the hell up and get away from me. If I’m in a stall and you come in after me and I give the silence signal, just PLAY THROUGH!! Do not, for any reason, attempt to dissipate the tension with small talk. The only thing this accomplishes is making my butt go shy and I won’t be able to finish. The only authorized utterance from one stall to another is, “Can I get some toilet paper?” or any question of equivalent meaning. That’s it. You want to “chat”? Go to the ladies’ room. I understand you’re socially inept and the men’s room does afford you a captive audience, but that’s no excuse and it’s just not the place.
Wash your hands before you leave and keep the direct eye-contact to a minimum. That’s pretty much it. When used properly, the public bathroom can be a wonderful source of relief. Let’s all do our part to maintain the sanctity of the place. Thank you.