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Qoutes from the Wise & Funny

Updated on March 31, 2010

Qoutes that will make you Think & make you Laugh

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is. -Will Rogers

When we long for a life with no difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds, and diamonds are made under pressure. -Peter Marshall

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. -Mary Pickford

"A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe

"A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House." -Conan O'Brien

"A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -Charles Schultz

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." -some dead guy.

"Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?" -Marilyn Monroe

"God is dead." - Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead" - God

"Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds" -Albert Einstein

"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -Alex Trebek

"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -Britney Spears

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." -Bob Hope

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -Jeff Stilson

"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." -Stephen King

"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..." -Andre Botes

"I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members." -Groucho Marx

"I tried to wrestle my inner demons once... but they used to many illegal holds." -Amanda McAllister

"I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light." -Woody Allen

"I'm not confused, I'm well mixed." -Robert Frost

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." -Albert Einstein

"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." -Mark Twain

"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen." -Dolly Parton

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over." -Edna St. Vincent Milay

"Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are." -King Solomon

"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid." -John Wayne

"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as it nothing had happened." -Winston Churchill

"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." -Ashleigh Brilliant

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -Albert Einstein

"Nothing that results from human progress is achieved with unanimous consent. And those who are enlightened before the others are condemned to pursue that light in spite of others." -Christopher Columbus

"Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks." -Ernest Hemingway

"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." -Bryan White

"People think that being famous is just about having your picture taken all the time and being rich rich rich, and you know what?... They're absolutely right." -Madonna

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." - Gandhi

"Take a breath, Al... Inhale." - Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92

"The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon." -Robert Cromier

"The masses are the asses." -Karl Marx

"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced. The arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." -Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.

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