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Some Questions Asked About England By Americans

Updated on July 4, 2014
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crassnsilly is not a real name. It's made up, like everything else in the world.

What kinda cars d'ya have in England?

Generally, cars in England, and across the United Kingdom (which is different from England and you will have to Google it) have four wheels: one at each corner. There is another wheel, used for steering, which is called the Steering Wheel.

Cars in England are similar in appearance to cars in the great country of America, but lack needless show-off chrome. They are also smaller, because England is not made of roads. It is made, mostly, of trees and fields, so drivers need small cars to negotiate these obstacles.

American car
American car
English car
English car
Every house in Englandland looks like this
Every house in Englandland looks like this

What kinda houses d'ya have in Englandland?

Englandland? Don't you have geography lessons in school? Houses in Great Britain usually have doors, windows, roofs and walls, but not in that order. They are made of a variety of materials: wood, concrete and hay bales are among the most popular. Very similar to houses all over the world. Why don't you think before asking stupid questions?

What kinda women d'ya have in Englandshire?

Most women in Englandshireland are symmetrical. They usually have two of everything: legs, arms, eyes, and ladybumps beneath their upper clothing, and are able to exist without covering the front of their heads with expensive chemically manufactured cosmetics. Englandlandshireish women rub potato skins on their faces to preserve the natural look and to avoid being mistaken for prostitutes.

An English alarm clock
An English alarm clock

What time is tea?

Tea, or 'a nice cuppa', is served every afternoon at 3:30 precisely. A siren sounds from Buckingham Palace very day at 3:15, the starting signal for everyone in the country, both at home or at work, to 'pop the kettle on'. This 15-minute period gives enough time for the kettle to boil and the resulting tea to brew for exactly six-and-a-half minutes. Anyone found to be either brewing or drinking afternoon tea outside this strict period can be liable to a fine or, if being found guilty on subsequent occasions, a term of imprisonment. It is this discipline that allowed England to become the top country in the world for a never-equalled two centuries in succession, until the pace of modern life became too dizzying and younger, brasher and louder nations were handed the reins of global domination.

It's so big, it won't fit in the box
It's so big, it won't fit in the box

Why is everything in England so small?

Everything in England is not small, it only looks small from so far away. The nearer one approaches, the larger England appears. As one finally reaches the shore, or Heathrow, the world's busiest airport, the country looms up so suddenly and alarmingly that many visitors have been known to feint from the shock of seeing the massive scale of everything. For England is the largest country in the world, by far, larger than Luxembourg, Tahiti and Andorra put together!

Most visitors who spend more than just a few days in England develop severe neck ache just from looking up at the huge buildings and monuments, such as Nelson's column and Medium Ben.

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