Sometimes Accountability Hits the Wrong Person

Years ago, someone in my life made a very bad decision. I truly had very little choice but to work with it. My hands were full, my brain was full. My head was overflowing with responsibilities. I forged ahead. Each step, each year, was heavy on my life, but we have to learn to live with heaviness. We can't give in to defeat.

Having a son on the spectrum, I have had to live in a way that others might not understand. It is indeed about survival.

I have an advanced degree. I have many years of working experience. I am a mother of basically grown children. I have lived the best way that I know with very little help, very little support. I have grown stronger for it.

But as my youngest gets ready to go away from me, I am wondering what to do. I do not want to stay at home anymore. I have workers and programs for my son. My other children are almost fully independent. Why am I sitting at home?

It goes back to decisions that I had little hand in making. We are all affected by others. Unfortunately, I am far more affected by this than others. I find myself being the one who made all of the sacrifices. Missed out on much of the life that. I wanted for myself. I am concerned that I have waited too long to push ahead.

I have always wanted to travel. even within the states. People say to me, book a flight, rent a car, just go. It is easy to say when you have finances that flow. Much of the decision making that occurred in my life and the added fact that I am parenting a now autistic adult, leaves me with little money to spare to travel to someone an hour away, never mind to go somewhere extravagant.

The other factor is that although I am married, I have lived as basically a single parent much of my motherhood. My husband has grown up in a home where dad did not do many things and was permitted life of his own. Therefore, even now as the kids are older, there are commitments that most couples with older children do not have, due to his interests and volunteer work.

I go to two states a year, by car, if I am lucky. Since I got married, I have rarely gone anywhere that requires air travel. For many reasons, again not ones I would have chosen. I got married for many reasons, some happened, others did not pan out. So we decide to live. To live the best life we want The life we deserve.

I no longer want to stay home. It is quite lovely that my husband can text all these great experiences he is having from business trips, while I am cleaning the kitchen counter, running my nondriver son and daughter around and putting groceries away. Oh and going to a dead-end job because when I took time out to care or my autistic son, my career did not wait for me.

I now need to find a better life. I never wanted to live a life alone but sometimes women in their 50s find themselves in a place where no one else is.

I am scouring the internet in search of a plan. I will send a zillion resumes out, in case one opens up a door to a life I would like to find.

I will blog, in case I have a friend who has an idea, someone who just happens to read my blog....and no I do not want another classroom job. Time for me to move around. Find other places, Have new experiences. I did work in the museum industry for over a decade. That was somewhat more exciting than what I do now, to a certain extent.

I wonder how I got here. I followed rules that I did not set up. I suffered consequences for decisions I did not make. Somehow I was held accountable for the bad decision of someone else.

It happens, so we learn. Sometimes quickly, sometimes a bit slower.

I am facing it now. I am fixing it now. I am going to live before it is over.