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TREE BADGERS the beginning

Updated on August 14, 2016

A brief history of the elusive tree badger


Many people have questions regarding tree badgers and their origins I hope to answer some of those people with the following writing.

It was in a small valley/fiord enclave on the Norwegian/Swedish border where they originated between the last days of the dinosaurs and the end of the last Ice age these Reptamals/Mamillions as they are called in the profession became changed over the years as they had a restricted diet of eggs both frozen and unfrozen laid by the remnants of the dinosaur dynasty just prior to the evolution of some towards birds.

This heady mixture of raw protein laden egg yolk coupled with the melting glaciers full of pine nutrients absorbed over millennia when huge swathes of pine forests were covered with the ice gave rise to a liking for young saplings which struggled to get a foothold within the immediate vicinity forcing the badgers to move in an ever increasing circle from their base.
Being forced into interdependence with the pine tree the badgers eventually things even took a more astounding turn of events when their nomadic lifestyle left them searching for ideas as to where to have their children, this led to a unique form of interspecies interdependency where the young badgers were left suckling on joint in pine or indeed any other handy tree over many millions of years this practice evolved so much that they took to laying eggs inside small crevices which were then overgrown by the trees bark protecting the young you may if you're exceptionally lucky be able to see the remains of such birthing pods left over on/in the trees where the badger has bitten through the bark to begin its life outside as a fully grown Mamillion.

For those who haven't seen one a description may be needed they are a basic badger colouring of white patches over black fur but the white being more feather like than fur their feet equipped with cat like claws evolved for climbing the close knit bark of the pine. They have also developed a flap of skin between the front and back legs similar to the flying fox to enable a faster evacuation from attack from mortal enemies such as soldier moles (more of them later):

It was thought that they(tree badgers) were introduced to the UK during the explosion of pine based furniture from the likes of IKEA the grown Mamillions being attracted by the strong pine scent within the holds of delivery ships bound all over the world, they could also possibly have been introduced with the expansion of biomass power-plants as trees with external growths were deemed unsuitable for anything other than burning.
These growths as has been established earlier were in fact incubating Tree Badgers who when hatching set forth across the country searching for a mate.

These hatchlings of course have their work cut out to avoid the remnants of the soldier mole armies of the late 1940s. They started life as ordinary moles until the army boffins at Warminster got their hands on them. They were fed entirely with a diet of soldier ants and it was the first ever known attempt at tampering with DNA the more ants the moles ate the more they began to mimic their attributes of marching in straight lines which was what was needed for post war reconstruction:
Having removed all forms of street lighting early in 1940 so as to keep the Germans literally in the dark with their bombing raids it was understood that the re-introduction of street lights would be a priority after the end of the war so these soldier moles would be taught how to manoeuvrer along Britains highways avoiding metalled roads however unknown to them this plan was doomed to failure as Tree badgers urine because of their dietary foibles smells very strongly like soldier ants.

Well you can imagine the chaos this caused with rampant soldier moles hunting down what they assumed was a colony of giant soldier ants, the badgers using all their intelligence to crop trees while leaving their root system intact to slow down the moles. Evidence of this can still be seen to this day on moors and bogs throughout the North of England. Many areas of North Yorkshire which used to be luxurious forests are now in fact moors populated by moles of rather large proportions and very few trees.

As for Tree badgers they do still wander some areas of Northumberland which thanks to the building of Kielder dam back in the seventies and the planting of millions of pine and deciduous trees they have an established colony within the National park where they are well protected as the amount of mettled roads is limited so soldier moles are disorientated if they try to enter the area.

Now that you're more informed perhaps you will not be so quick to dismiss those gnarled lumps which sometimes occur on the side of pine or indeed any trees as you know they may hide a growing Tree badger; nor will you be so quick as to ponder why there are so many large holes or piles of soil on the side of the roads across the moors of England.

You may even trun your eyes upwards whilst walking through woods in the hope of catching the merest glimpse of a Tree badger as it makes its way home to the family enclave most likely in the hollow of the nearest large Oak or Sycamore.

Keep watching and don't forget to report any sightings to the RSPM as Mamillions are dangerously close to extinction.


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    • ktarcus profile imageAUTHOR


      2 years ago from northumberland

      Thank you rochelle for your understanding of modern philosophy being based on nothing more than regurgitated theories espoused many millennial ago by far more realistic thinkers.

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 

      2 years ago from California Gold Country

      I suppose this is some kind of hoax or spoof ... especially since it is listed under "philosophy". It also has some of the longest sentences outside of a high security prison.


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