The Valley of Life

I'm a very determined person. Sometimes too determined I think. Sometimes when life is knocking me down I think I try too hard to bounce back, even though my legs are faltering and my arms are flailing. Some people might say well this is a good thing - just keep getting up like a boxer in a ring - keep throwing those jabs and try to keep standing up. Keep kicking those legs and struggle to get back on your feet.

Yes it's probably a good thing to be determined - but the older I get the more I realize that it's also OK to just stay in the valley for awhile once life has knocked you down, beat you up and spit you out. Valley living can have it's upsides. At least when you realize you are in one of those life valleys, you can take sometime to breathe, suck up some new fresh air - and collect your self. Hard to do if you are out in the trenches of life struggling to keep your head above the water.

My therapist says I have been in a "survival mode" for many years now. I really don't like that analogy but I suppose it's true. Life has thrown so many twists and turns at me in the last few years that sometimes I just want to scream "Will this EVER STOP!!!". I am tired of flailing, tired of taking in a deep breath only to suck up water and go back under into funky depths again. Tired of just surviving -just barely making it. I am just tired of swimming this marathon survival test.

Yes I bet some of you might be worried, oh no she sounds depressed, sounds like she's giving up, she sounds suicidal.

To that I say NO WAY. I could never just let my body go and sink into the depths. I'm too much of a fighter for that. No matter what comes my way, I always have a little part of me that says "get up and walk!!. Part of my heritage I suppose. My dad was a fighter, and he NEVER gave up. So who am I to give up? Giving up is not an option, but perhaps just laying low in the valley for awhile is...........

I think the hardest part of life for me is realizing when i am in the "valley'. But in life they say recognition is the first step to recovery....

So OK, I admit it, I'm in the valley right now. I've been fighting it all week, trying to keep myself busy, trying to pretend that I'm OK. Well I'm not OK. I'm tired and I need a rest. I can still see the glorious mountains above me that I would love to climb, but I realize that I'm just too tired and worn out to climb them right now. I am decidedly in a valley, but I can make this a nice valley if I so choose. I can look around me at all the greenery, the gentle rolling slopes, and start taking one small step at a time.

Baby steps.

I can stop and take in some fresh air and quit hyperventilating just trying to keep up with all my thoughts.

I can stop trying to suck air in and just stop to smell the flowers here in the valley, and look at all the glorious colors around me.

I can spend time with other valley dwellers -and together we can dream and wonder about the majesty of the mountains together, and between us we can gather strength to ascend the mountains ahead.