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ten things you'll never hear Christians say (parody)

Updated on October 17, 2012

10 funny statements you'll never hear christians say...

Let me pay this time. We are notoriously cheap. We believe God owns it all, so why should we pay for it? He will provide, but only if I'm stingy. God is in control, but I'm in debt sooo.....

I have never read Habakkuk. Instead we proclaim our love for the whole Bible, which includes numerous books we've never even glanced through. It's like when people where I love NY shirts. They obviously haven't been in the Bronx after midnight. It's hypocritical at best to say we love something we wouldn't even know existed were it not for the index.

Your song you sang at church sounded terrrrrrible. No, instead we thank them for touching our heart with that special, brother. This leads to bad song after bad song. Somewhere someone needs a dose of honesty. The song is great, but you ruined it with your cat-like moaning. You weren't a bit pitchy, you were never close to the pitch. If the key was in D you were in W.

I hope one day my son is an usher. Some hope for a Dr. or a Lawyer, or even a pastor, few hope for an usher. It is one of the world's simplest jobs, and yet, so many screw it up. Missing entire aisles. Assuming the other guy will send it this way. How on planet earth did we decide to trust arguably the most fiscally important job in the church to guys who have velcro shoe laces?

I had a wonderful week. HAHAHA you'll never hear that one. Nope. Instead every Sunday becomes a sourpuss contest. Oh, your wife died? Well, my wife and my mistress died, sooo...I guess I win, err lose...On the other hand some people go the opposite route. One upping with a better week. Oh, you got a raise? I found out Bill Gates is my mom!

Church is always waaayyy tooo short. It's funny. We spend time getting ready, driving, and praying for church. But as soon as our butt hits the pew..."when will this end???" Church could last 17 minutes and christians would complain about 2 verses at invitation.

My Bible is 17 years old and in like new condition. Instead we find ways to make our Bible look more "used." Leave it in the backseat, so the sun warps it. Toss it in the kids room so they'll write "notes" in it. Or just leave it at church, so everyone knows it's just a Sunday thing.

My favorite part of church is the offering! -no one ever

I really hope Jesus comes back this week, I have some bills I'm behind on. Instead we hope He doesn't come, because we have some big stuff going on: Farmville, that diet we started a while back then quit, online business we started, etc.

This email seems fishy, I probably shouldn't forward it. Nah, this email confirming Elvis is Obama's dad that was abducted by aliens who want to send me money, if I email the prince of Nigeria my SS Number totally seems legit!

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