What Being Irish Means (humor)
Don't Miss Out . . . Don't Wait. . . . Enroll Today. . . . Our Award Winning Course Is Back!
Students Role Playing As Buskeers
How To Be Irish
We would love to say: Back Due to Popular Demand and Having Won International Acclaim.
We can't, the truth is: It was The Brewery Association of Ireland who stumped up the funding and forced us to run the course again or settle our 10 year old bar tab.
So Enroll Today! Don't be shy. We like it if you turn up but we don't enforce this policy.
We don't bite often and we need your dosh, your wonga and of course your referrals for future business.
We have won no accolades for our fabulous course but we are incredibly popular among the party goers in Dublin City.
We are however the founders and only members of the "Lost Student Association"
and receive hundreds of mails on a daily basis, since the phone company cut us off, from frantic parents. Unfortunately we have to inform these individuals that while we are always interested in and happy to meet new prospective singing and drinking buddies we have, no association with, or interest in the "frantic family followers"
Big Buns Brenda
Course Introduction:
Back due to public demand and Brewery Pressure not to mention solicitors letters and the threat of legal action. Welcome one and all, to this highly prestigious, much thought of and constantly sought after course "what being Irish means."
What is the fascination and urgency in becoming a fully legitimate member of the Celtic clan? Please be patient as the online overload of enquiries has stalled our server and crashed our one and only, freely donated, dinosaur desktop computer thingy and caused our part time secretary Big Buns Brenda to Burst a Button. Oh wait, sorry, it's not the enquiries, we forgot to put another coin in the meter, silly us.
Overseas Interest is staggering to learn our gift of the gab and many are already in the water swimming their way here. Don't panic though if you get into trouble as we have numerous Life Guards with us at present in Donny's Drinking Den. Just give us call and we'll pick them up, dust them down and send them, within a day or two, to your rescue.
With that in mind this year we will offer accommodation for any blow ins, seeking their long lost ancestors and don't worry if you think you haven't got one as we have any amount on offer for the right price of course.
Accomodation consists of any free bar stools, spots on the floor and of course bar mats. Come for a bit of banter and the craic and no, before you think the course is a cover for drug dealing, craic is part of the gift of the gab which you will be learning on the course.
Even Student "Luna" Makes An Effort
Course Syllabus and Materials:
Module 1 - Learning the Lingo - We supply the glass and booze. You pay
Module 2 – Pub Culture - We supply the map to the pubs that we are still welcome in
Module 3 – Cookery - There won't be a lot of this
Module 4 –Poets corner - If you're a loner you'll fit right in. We have another corner in case you have a friend
Module 5 – Changing Religion - We don't have too much so this is optional but we do insist that you don't drink the church wine. Ours is so much better
Module 6 – The Art of Laughing at yourself - Don't worry to much about this as we have thousands of total strangers just itching to help you out.
Module 7 – Speech Therapy and Linguistics Instruction - This one can be a bit tricky as we need you to sign a disclaimer before we administer the injections and tongue weights. Don't worry though Shaky Samuel our Doctor is around here somewhere and has been with us from the start. He has no medical training whatsoever but he's a great character.
Module 8 – Riverdance lessons - We supply the shoes, skirts, make up and of course the paddles.
Module 9 – Yarn Spinning -Thread, an audience and oil supplied so no fear.
Module 10 – One for the road - Brandy, Buckets and Bouncers in attendance for this one.
Course Duration:
Hard to give an exact duration. Last year it started in May and was to run for the standard 8 weeks. For reasons beyond our control, the number of tourists hitting Dublin for the summer months swelled our ranks to the extent that by the end of September we were mistaken for a new age invasion and subsequently detained and entertained in Dublin's Mountjoy Prison. No issues here then as it's bursting at the seams with bars.
In the end most of us were bailed and thrown out on the street. As to the rest we assume some stayed and became staff. Some others we got postcards from, some became electricians and others we see from time to time on street corners, selling number plates.
Our Field Trip Tutor and bar stool escapologist, Misses Consumpta 'Ouch' Me-Anus is still looking for 6 of last years students who need to sit their final exam of standing on one foot, holding a pint of Guinness while singing Paddy Reilly.
This year's course, at a guess, should again last for 8 weeks, give or take 6 months to a year for good behaviour.
Liquid Lunch of The Black Stuff: Guinness
Course Director:
What being Irish means welcomes back the distinguished Professor of Spoofology Ms Concepta 'Datt' Fitznicely as Course Director. Proven to be a big hit with the students, her credentials are somewhat dodgy and sketchy at times. This we do overlook as she has travelled, spending extensive time in Amsterdam where she informs us she was a big hit modeling in the windows of her own business. An innovative and ingenious idea! A gas woman, Ms Fitznicely cracks on with gusto through the syllabus as outlined above and fully endorses student participation at all times in the form of role playing on a regular basis. Her philosophy, which to date students seem only too delighted to embrace, is really quite simple.
“In order for students to really get a grip on what it takes to be Irish, they have to live, eat, sleep and breathe it. This will entail daily tutorials in a pub we are not banned from, getting locked regularly, having hoolies nightly with the occasional floozy (a few of my colleagues from Amsterdam will be on a flying visit) and a fair amount of effin’ and blindin’. Becoming one with the natives is the only way to learn, absorb and adopt the Irish ways. Here at the college, we don't condone sleep in any shape or form so even though students may feel banjaxed, the side effects soon diminish after a week or so of cold turkey.”
Experienced Irish Lecturers
Guest Tutors:
This year we are delighted to have two esteemed colleagues join us in a guest capacity.
The first is Mr Pat Mc Groin who hails all the way from our sister college north of the border in Strangalowilly, County Tyrone. Mr Mc Groin will be a guest on Module 2 Pub Culture. Mr Mc Groin or 'Bowser' as he is affectionately called by his close buddies the boys in blue, down at Pearse St, will be holding a special seminar on “The Temple Bar District Pub Crawl” which includes a guided tour, not to be missed! Under his expert guidance you will undoubtedly become more than acquainted with high court judges, customs and excise and the department of immigration.To be awarded such a privilege is something the college is unique in providing on the curriculum. After all, you do want to get your money's worth on How to be Irish don't you??
Our second Guest is Head Chef Phil Mc Crackin who hails from Nobber County Cork but is based in Dublin's oldest pub,The Brazen Head. The Brazen Head Pub was established in 1198 and Chef Mc Crackin fondly remembers the opening. He served his apprenticeship there catering for the High Kings of Ireland. In later years his favourite regulars were James Joyce and Michael Collins. It is safe to say, so I will, he has many years experience under his expanding waistline, and we are forever indebted to him for taking the time out of his mundane life to pass on his expertise and wealth of knowledge to our budding Irish converts.
The Temple Bar District- Our Holy Grail
Course Location:
Near the tart with the cart (Molly Malone Statue),
Round the corner from Trinity College,
Just off the beaten track of Dame Street,
Somewhere near St Stephen’s Green,
Dublin 1, 2 or 6 (to be confirmed)
Directions:
Depends which direction you are coming from but In general, you know O’Neill’s bar, the one that has the lock -ins regularly? Well it’s not near there. Going down Mount Street you take a left at Kavanagh’s Pub, and keep going until you see McDaids on the right. Cross over and go past McDaids until you see Dicey Reilly’s and turn left.
At the third set of traffic lights you will see The Hairy Lemon Bar. Pop in for a swift half pint of Guinness if you feel the need or if you want to try it alone as an Irish native and get some extracurricular activity in, we are all for that, it shows initiative! Otherwise continue for a mile or two until you see the red neon sign of the college above Naughty Nancy’s Nighties.
In Conclusion:
What being Irish means is an authentic course in becoming a fully fledged Paddy. With step by step guidance from the best leftovers, nut-jobs, screw ups and criminals in the "scraping the barrel" business. We hope you have been suitably impressed and are going to enroll and come along for the ride! It sure won't be boring!
"Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me"
Graduating Gift - The Irish Passport
Great News!
Hot off the presses, great news! The first swimmers have washed up in County Donegal and are making their way here after a lengthy stay at St John of Gods psychiatric hospital. I am reliably informed their spirits are good although they do seem somewhat confused, agitated and angry. Shouting obscenities such as "That effin' school said they were organising transport" seemed a bit ungrateful and uncalled for. We did after all arrange for an ice sculptured boat, an original idea and was a limited edition. Some people . . . so ungrateful.
The other exciting news is Muhammad Murphy has shown up in Australia, 5 years since he went missing. We received a postcard today and all is well with him. He promises to keep in touch via his solicitor and has instigated legal proceedings against us.
Dublin Pubs: The Hot Spot Role Playing Venues
For further information on the author Suzie HQ and a full listing of all published articles, please click here
What Being Irish Means Comments
Great reading I am Irish but I need to be better I seem to have lost my lilt x
Hi Suzie,
I love your witty spin on what being "Irish" means
I am Irish so I know all of this to be factual and true!
:) thanks for the laugh you are much appreciated
Voted up and shared
Wonderfully funny and so timely too. Glad Mary shared this one. Makes me want to put on my Higgins Pub County Sligo sweat shirt before I go to my yoga class.
This is definitely bag on! Boys a boys this is hysterical! I was ready to sing up but see I'm six months late. If I had a smidgin' of cash I'd head out right away.
Too funny, I almost joined Bill...another wee minute of laughing and who knows! This was the greatest thing since Flemin's baps!
Voted up, funny, awesome, interesting and shared.
It's a good thing you warned us this was a humor piece, because I would have been inclined to join the class!
I liked the part about the ice-sculptured boat! Too funny! The whole article was making me laugh. Very creative, and I love how you arranged it similar to what a real course overview would look like.
Thanks for the laughs! I shared this, because I don't want to hog the funny stuff.
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Hilarious! I am at this moment putting on my bathing suit and strapping my boy to a raft so that we can begin the long swim over to you! I've always wanted to see Ireland. I don't have any ancestors from there so I'll have to borrow some, if you got them to spare. Thanks for the laugh! Voted up, awesome, and shared!
A very good morning to you Suzanne from lake erie time ontario canada 8:36am with coffee and freshly baked country biscuits where it is a snowy and white scene here today by the lake.
Everyday is St. Patrick's day as far as I am concerned and this world class hub presentation is the most definite I have ever seen and all done in good humor too.
I would like you to check out my good buddy Sligobay at the Hub (Gerry) and Bono of U2 has a favorite drink - it's Guiness and champagne mixed together - it's quite lovely actually.
Sending you warm wishes and good energy from Colin and his cats, Tiffy and Gabriel
p.s. - didn't Leonard Cohen write 'that' song about you?
Well, my hubbie and I might visit that one once we finally fulfill our dream and go to Dublin :)
Hairy Lemon Bar? Who came up with that name? Must be someone Irish! Voted up, funny :)
Cool Hub, and just in time, (well almost) for St. Pat's Day in March. "top o' the mornin' to yer!
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I am Irish! My 4x gr grandparents were born in Randalstown, Co. Antrim in the early 1800's. They would be so disappointed in me....I don't drink! Can't even stand the smell of beer! Oh well. I can dream. Great hub!
Oh my God! This was so funny I actually cried with laughter! how many people can say that? soooo funny! my friend in the next room, I keep him in the next room otherwise he escapes a lot, thought I was completely off my rocker! shrieking with laughter is not a good thing at half twelve in the morning! brilliant! Mr Pat Mc Groin started me off again, and then the ending with the swimmers, oh my god my side hurts! gotta share this again! the best time I ever had in a bar was in majorca in the irish bar, so friendly, we all got up and danced and nobody knew anybody! the funny thing was after the first night, the bar lady said to me, want your usual? haha! everybody looked at me as though I was a local! loved it! I went with my friend who is Irish, she comes from Tipperary! I keep telling her its a long way....! voted up and shared! nell
Suzie -
I've actually read this before! I have no idea why I didn't comment, for I thought it hilarious, but I obviously didn't. It sounded familiar, and as soon as I say Big Buns Brenda (a man doesn't forget some things) I knew I'd been here! This is indeed one to bring the smile. What bar are we meeting at tonight? lol Great Job!
Suzie, is the queue to get enrolled long? I don't mind, I have this hub to entertain me all the way! Don't mind reading it over and over again.
This is one hell of a humorous hub.
All the votes and sharing the humour.
Suzie, I patiently await the arrival of the pigeons! It is always my pleasure to share wonderfully unique and excellent writing! :) You did an incredible job on it and I can't wait to see in which way you challenge yourself again!
Do you think it is possible for somebody who is Belgian to become Irish?
Oh my goodness!! This one HAS to win the funniest hub in the next Hubbie Awards! It's so healthy to be able to poke fun at the stereotypes others have pinned on us, as well. : ) I'm queing up now, even if I have to wait all week. lol
gosh...if only I could have taken this class before traveling to Ireland! Somehow I think seeing Ireland with you would have been much more exciting than a tour of the O'Reilly family history for the last bloody 500 years!
Suzie, I am so stinkin' proud of you! This is A W E S O M E!!!! You did a fantabulous job! I laughed all the way through and then got pissed because I haven't gotten my enrollment papers yet! :) Voted up and shared all of the flippin' place. This was a GREAT way to start my day, thank you!!! :)
So so funny! I guess I could take up several modules!!
I forgot the tweet this. I'll do it now. Begorra!
I love Guinness , love it. It's an interesting articles, follow u already and I am going to add u as interesting!!!!
Love the Irish in me! LOL This is absolutely genius and love this!
Suzie....OMG, lass! You took me by surprise.........HYSTERICAL. Genius Comedy. I LOVE this. and I'll be totally honest, based upon my personal experiences with some fabulous Irish friends, whom I adore....THIS COULD ONLY BE WRITTEN BY AN AUTHENTIC GENUINE IRISHMAN!!
Remember: There are only 2 kinds of people in the world.....The IRISH and THOSE who wish they were. I believe this! UP+++++
O My God! It´s so funny. I laugh all the way down here writing a comment. It´s a craic! I would share this to my facebook account. My Irish friends should read this. Awesome. Thanks for sharing Suzie. I enjoyed it very much.
I too lost it with Pat McGroin but Phil McCrackin is my favorite, I had to say it twice to get it, knew there was a joke in there somewhere and had me slapping my forehead that I had to say it twice! So, great stuff! I actually came overfrom Facebook because I had written and Irish hub a couple of years ago and it was a mix of fact, fiction and whimsy... I recently got a comment that was correcting me on the whimsy part. I hope said comment-er finds his way here, twould certainly serve the bugger right! I'm certain he'd be wanting to know the enrollment cost as you haven't posted it. Watch out for him and make sure you charge him well. :)
This is hilarious! I love the dry humor. I lost it with the introduction of Mr Pat Mc Groin. I am glad Billybuc shared this on the FB. Thanks for the chuckle!
It was Strangalowilly that sent me over the edge. LOL
Just a minute....I have to wipe my eyes....and I might need to check my shorts for accidents.....Oh my dear Lord, this may be the funniest hub I have read in 8 months.....please tell me you aren't like this during a normal day. I would hurt myself from laughing so hard if I ever visited you. Suzie, you have outdone yourself on this one. Posting on Facebook now!
thanks my dear friend,
bill
I'm a plastic paddy from over the water. Maybe I should enroll lol.
Great craic!
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