What Being Irish Means (humor)

Don't Miss Out . . . Don't Wait. . . . Enroll Today. . . . Our Award Winning Course Is Back!

We would love to say: Back Due to Popular Demand and Having Won International Acclaim.

We can't, the truth is: It was The Brewery Association of Ireland who stumped up the funding and forced us to run the course again or settle our 10 year old bar tab.

So Enroll Today! Don't be shy. We like it if you turn up but we don't enforce this policy.

We don't bite often and we need your dosh, your wonga and of course your referrals for future business.

We have won no accolades for our fabulous course but we are incredibly popular among the party goers in Dublin City.

We are however the founders and only members of the "Lost Student Association"

and receive hundreds of mails on a daily basis, since the phone company cut us off, from frantic parents. Unfortunately we have to inform these individuals that while we are always interested in and happy to meet new prospective singing and drinking buddies we have, no association with, or interest in the "frantic family followers"

Back due to public demand and Brewery Pressure not to mention solicitors letters and the threat of legal action. Welcome one and all, to this highly prestigious, much thought of and constantly sought after course "what being Irish means."

What is the fascination and urgency in becoming a fully legitimate member of the Celtic clan? Please be patient as the online overload of enquiries has stalled our server and crashed our one and only, freely donated, dinosaur desktop computer thingy and caused our part time secretary Big Buns Brenda to Burst a Button. Oh wait, sorry, it's not the enquiries, we forgot to put another coin in the meter, silly us.

Overseas Interest is staggering to learn our gift of the gab and many are already in the water swimming their way here. Don't panic though if you get into trouble as we have numerous Life Guards with us at present in Donny's Drinking Den. Just give us call and we'll pick them up, dust them down and send them, within a day or two, to your rescue.

With that in mind this year we will offer accommodation for any blow ins, seeking their long lost ancestors and don't worry if you think you haven't got one as we have any amount on offer for the right price of course.

Accomodation consists of any free bar stools, spots on the floor and of course bar mats. Come for a bit of banter and the craic and no, before you think the course is a cover for drug dealing, craic is part of the gift of the gab which you will be learning on the course.

Module 1 - Learning the Lingo - We supply the glass and booze. You pay

Module 2 – Pub Culture - We supply the map to the pubs that we are still welcome in

Module 3 – Cookery - There won't be a lot of this

Module 4 –Poets corner - If you're a loner you'll fit right in. We have another corner in case you have a friend

Module 5 – Changing Religion - We don't have too much so this is optional but we do insist that you don't drink the church wine. Ours is so much better

Module 6 – The Art of Laughing at yourself - Don't worry to much about this as we have thousands of total strangers just itching to help you out.

Module 7 – Speech Therapy and Linguistics Instruction - This one can be a bit tricky as we need you to sign a disclaimer before we administer the injections and tongue weights. Don't worry though Shaky Samuel our Doctor is around here somewhere and has been with us from the start. He has no medical training whatsoever but he's a great character.

Module 8 – Riverdance lessons - We supply the shoes, skirts, make up and of course the paddles.

Module 9 – Yarn Spinning -Thread, an audience and oil supplied so no fear.

Module 10 – One for the road - Brandy, Buckets and Bouncers in attendance for this one.

Hard to give an exact duration. Last year it started in May and was to run for the standard 8 weeks. For reasons beyond our control, the number of tourists hitting Dublin for the summer months swelled our ranks to the extent that by the end of September we were mistaken for a new age invasion and subsequently detained and entertained in Dublin's Mountjoy Prison. No issues here then as it's bursting at the seams with bars.

In the end most of us were bailed and thrown out on the street. As to the rest we assume some stayed and became staff. Some others we got postcards from, some became electricians and others we see from time to time on street corners, selling number plates.

Our Field Trip Tutor and bar stool escapologist, Misses Consumpta 'Ouch' Me-Anus is still looking for 6 of last years students who need to sit their final exam of standing on one foot, holding a pint of Guinness while singing Paddy Reilly.

This year's course, at a guess, should again last for 8 weeks, give or take 6 months to a year for good behaviour.

What being Irish means welcomes back the distinguished Professor of Spoofology Ms Concepta 'Datt' Fitznicely as Course Director. Proven to be a big hit with the students, her credentials are somewhat dodgy and sketchy at times. This we do overlook as she has travelled, spending extensive time in Amsterdam where she informs us she was a big hit modeling in the windows of her own business. An innovative and ingenious idea! A gas woman, Ms Fitznicely cracks on with gusto through the syllabus as outlined above and fully endorses student participation at all times in the form of role playing on a regular basis. Her philosophy, which to date students seem only too delighted to embrace, is really quite simple.

“In order for students to really get a grip on what it takes to be Irish, they have to live, eat, sleep and breathe it. This will entail daily tutorials in a pub we are not banned from, getting locked regularly, having hoolies nightly with the occasional floozy (a few of my colleagues from Amsterdam will be on a flying visit) and a fair amount of effin’ and blindin’. Becoming one with the natives is the only way to learn, absorb and adopt the Irish ways. Here at the college, we don't condone sleep in any shape or form so even though students may feel banjaxed, the side effects soon diminish after a week or so of cold turkey.”

This year we are delighted to have two esteemed colleagues join us in a guest capacity.

The first is Mr Pat Mc Groin who hails all the way from our sister college north of the border in Strangalowilly, County Tyrone. Mr Mc Groin will be a guest on Module 2 Pub Culture. Mr Mc Groin or 'Bowser' as he is affectionately called by his close buddies the boys in blue, down at Pearse St, will be holding a special seminar on “The Temple Bar District Pub Crawl” which includes a guided tour, not to be missed! Under his expert guidance you will undoubtedly become more than acquainted with high court judges, customs and excise and the department of immigration.To be awarded such a privilege is something the college is unique in providing on the curriculum. After all, you do want to get your money's worth on How to be Irish don't you??

Our second Guest is Head Chef Phil Mc Crackin who hails from Nobber County Cork but is based in Dublin's oldest pub,The Brazen Head. The Brazen Head Pub was established in 1198 and Chef Mc Crackin fondly remembers the opening. He served his apprenticeship there catering for the High Kings of Ireland. In later years his favourite regulars were James Joyce and Michael Collins. It is safe to say, so I will, he has many years experience under his expanding waistline, and we are forever indebted to him for taking the time out of his mundane life to pass on his expertise and wealth of knowledge to our budding Irish converts.

Depends which direction you are coming from but In general, you know O’Neill’s bar, the one that has the lock -ins regularly? Well it’s not near there. Going down Mount Street you take a left at Kavanagh’s Pub, and keep going until you see McDaids on the right. Cross over and go past McDaids until you see Dicey Reilly’s and turn left.

At the third set of traffic lights you will see The Hairy Lemon Bar. Pop in for a swift half pint of Guinness if you feel the need or if you want to try it alone as an Irish native and get some extracurricular activity in, we are all for that, it shows initiative! Otherwise continue for a mile or two until you see the red neon sign of the college above Naughty Nancy’s Nighties.

What being Irish means is an authentic course in becoming a fully fledged Paddy. With step by step guidance from the best leftovers, nut-jobs, screw ups and criminals in the "scraping the barrel" business. We hope you have been suitably impressed and are going to enroll and come along for the ride! It sure won't be boring!

"Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me"

Hot off the presses, great news! The first swimmers have washed up in County Donegal and are making their way here after a lengthy stay at St John of Gods psychiatric hospital. I am reliably informed their spirits are good although they do seem somewhat confused, agitated and angry. Shouting obscenities such as "That effin' school said they were organising transport" seemed a bit ungrateful and uncalled for. We did after all arrange for an ice sculptured boat, an original idea and was a limited edition. Some people . . . so ungrateful.

The other exciting news is Muhammad Murphy has shown up in Australia, 5 years since he went missing. We received a postcard today and all is well with him. He promises to keep in touch via his solicitor and has instigated legal proceedings against us.

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