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Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume J

Updated on December 6, 2015
Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin, an experiened writer, enjoys creative writing in all forms, from literary to mainstream.

Thanks for joining us for yet another volume of this series. It’s been too long. I think I’ve really outdone myself this time in providing at least something to offend most everybody. If I’ve left you off, I do apologize and hope to get you next time.

As usual, if you’re easily offended or have ears so pristine that you have never so much as heard a dirty word, I suggest you head for the exit. Otherwise, I hope you find humor in this article…or don’t. Whatever, really. I just don’t care anymore. There isn’t any money in it.

Such a restful empire.
Such a restful empire. | Source

Jokes, Ideas, and Observations:

--Some of the meanest pranks I’ve ever endured in my life were perpetrated by my mother. For example, growing up she always told me how handsome I was.

--If I could time travel, I believe I’d go back to the Ottoman Empire and rest my feet a bit.

--My daughter’s diapers say 16-24 lbs, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have to change them before they’re half that full.

--Huey Lewis & The News: “I want a new drug/One that won’t make me sick/One that won’t make me crash my car/Or make me feel three feet thick” Well, Huey and friends, it’s called pot, and it isn’t new.

--A member of an 80’s hair band walks into a garage to practice. He says to the band leader, “These pants you had me get are useless. They’re falling apart.” The band leader responds, “I said ‘leopard’ skin pants, not ‘leper’ skin!”

--I haven’t accomplished much in life, but by golly, you should see the number of things I’ve tried to do.

--My wife has taken to calling me her “better half.” I get it, love, I need to lose weight.

--Cantaloupe: like watermelon, but not as good.

--The saying is “New York, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” And that may well be true, but in the long run, I just as soon take it easy and make it anywhere but New York.

--A patient dies, so the doctor describes the patient’s condition as follows: “Having worsened, then stabilized.”

--To all the ladies out there, here’s a cheat code for life. If you want to get out of class and your teacher is a male, just say you’re having feminine problems, and no questions asked, you get a free pass.

Source

Big Business:

--The USA: Founded by brown people, built by black people, supplied with stuff by yellow people, and ruled by useless, corrupt white guys.

--I was at Wal-Mart the other day and happened to read their slogan: “Live Better!” So I left.

____________________________

--I was in a K-Mart bathroom the other day and it was absolutely disgusting. A sign on the wall said something to the effect, “If our bathroom is in need of attention, be sure to consult one of our friendly K-Mart associates.”

My question is, how do you tell the friendly associates from the mean ones? I’ve made that mistake before, and about got my head bit off.

I did fnd it reassuring that below this sign was another sign that said, “All K-Mart associates must wash hands.”

__________________________

--The sign always says, “Employees must wash hands.” But how do they know? Wouldn’t it be more accurate if the sign said, “Employees should wash hands”?

--If you don’t want me shooting at the Target trucks, well, quit putting targets on them. If there’s a target, then I’m a shootin.

--Why don’t the major corporations save money on paper by simplifying their policy book to the one true, universal, golden rule of all big business: “It is our corporation’s policy to steal your money.”

--Piracy is not a victimless crime! It just seems that way because the entities being pirated are still so damn rich.

--I’ve always been told to “dress for success,” but is it really the nice clothes that make your wealthier, or is it that only the wealthy can waste money buying them?

--ADT: We’ll put a scary black guy on your lawn to chase robbers away.

Source

Enduring Questions:

--If you’re playing Hangman and you’re missing an appendage, do you get fewer turns?

_____________________________

--Pro Abortion folks often tend to have the following two mindsets: they feel abortion is murder and they believe in eye-for-an-eye justice.

So my question is, what about babies who eat their twins in utero? Is it ok to abort them, or do we have to wait until they’re out of mom’s womb before we put them to death?

____________________________

--I look at the success of someone like Donald Trump and it just makes me wonder, are people really as stupid as it seems, or is it just a case of willful negligence of thought compounded by a fondness for unnecessary drama?

--Am I the only one who finds the term mailman repetitive and mailwoman confusing?

Source

Larry Mini Rants:

On Steve Jobs

Did Steve Jobs write any computer code? No. Did he invent anything? No, though he did nose in and has his name on a number of patents. Did he even have a firm grasp on how computers work? No.

So what did he do? He exploited the geniuses who knew how to develop computer technology and made ridiculous demands on how quickly they develop things. He was hateful and arrogant with the people around him. He refused to wear deodorant because he believed that he didn’t stink, and though no one was brave enough to admit it to him, he very much did.

He was lucky enough to be diagnosed with a type of cancer that was almost 100% treatable, but refused to listen to doctors and get proper treatment, and as a result, he died. He did make lots and lots of money, though.

Here’s the deal, the more books and movies that come out praising Steve Jobs as a genius, a technological messiah, the more I learn about him, the more convinced I become that he was actually an idiot.

On Artless Teachers

I worked as a teacher for about a decade. During my time at this profession some of my strongest friendships were formed with maintenance staff and not other teachers. There was a janitor in particular that I got along with real well, and he made some of the funniest observations, but the other teachers were either too important or just not clever enough to recognize his genius.

Specifically, one time a group of teachers were gossiping about a student, a practice I loathed, in the lunch room, of all places. My janitor friend and I were eating within earshot, so what were we going to do, get up and walk away?

Anyway, one of the teachers told the very embarrassing story of when he was driving a bus route and pulled into this student’s driveway to drop him off only to find this boy’s mother bent over a junked car in the front yard taking a friendly grind from her boyfriend for the moment. To which another teacher responded, “I don’t think I’ve met her.” To which another teacher responds, “She was at homecoming.”

Without missing a beat, my janitor friend says emphatically, “Well, obviously!” None of the gossiping teachers so much as giggled, just kept on with their destructive gossiping.

On Human Nature

I get aggravated with anyone who starts a sentence, “We live in a society now…” Same society as always. The same a**holes and heroes. The same rest of us. Same human nature. Are we really so full of ourselves that we think we’ve changed the nature of the human condition?

People act like it’s something new when some group of idiots kills innocent men, women, and children in the name of God. How do you think this country was founded? Those of you that don’t believe in evolution, human nature: there’s your supporting evidence right there. Same f***ing idiots since creation, and nothing to be done about it.

On Marriage

I’ve found the way to always win the war of leverage that is marriage. Every time something goes wrong, every time you’re upset, every time you find yourself in a bad mood, every time you’re faced with the terrible predicament of having to do something awful like compromise, immediately, without the slightest hint of hesitation, threaten divorce.

Opinion

Who was the person in that thing?

See results

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    • Larry Rankin profile image
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      Larry Rankin 18 months ago from Oklahoma

      Mom has been in the hospital and with looking after her and taking care of baby there just haven't been enough hours in the day.

      Thanks so much for caring.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 18 months ago from USA

      Larry, where are you and your sense of humor? You've kept a real low profile lately.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Flourish Anyway: so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for stopping by.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 21 months ago from USA

      The diaper joke was a good one!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Reynold: I never understood cliques.

      So glad to spread a few laughs.

    • Reynold Jay profile image

      Reynold Jay 21 months ago from Saginaw, Michigan

      Laughing out loud at all of it. I was a teacher for three decades and always was friends with the janitor and hall monitors . Well done

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Avian Novice: always so glad to hear from you. Thanks so much for dropping by.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 21 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      Even though these are humorous, there is still quite a bit of truth in these statements.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Mel: lol. I was trying to find it on hubpages, and couldn't. I had come to the conclusion it was published somewhere else.

      But I did find some interesting articles of yours I hadn't read before. So I'm happy about that.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 21 months ago from San Diego California

      It wasn't a hub Larry, but a rather neglected blog of mine called The Truth Bomb (thetruthbomb.blogspot.com). The article is called More Ayn Rand Rants - Who are the Real Second Handers? It's not far from the top, if you choose to read it. Alas, I haven't had much time at all to maintain these blogs.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Lolly: I'm glad you had a laugh. I pushed the envelope with some of this humor, but besides the fun aspect of humor another purpose of comedy sometimes is to push limits and get us thinking a bit.

    • lollyj lm profile image

      Laurel Johnson 21 months ago from Washington KS

      This hub is a laugh riot, mostly because a lot of it is so true!! I often wonder about many of these same things. Well done!!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Mel: think I might have missed your Steve Jobs hub. I'll have to give it a look. This is mainly a comical hub, so I try to keep it fun, but yeah, Steve Jobs is the blow fish of the computer industry. I'm absolutely convinced.

      Just look at a true genius like Steve Wozniak. That's the sort of person we should be paying homage to.

      At the end of the day, if I'm kind, I suppose I could paint Jobs as a good muse or life coach, but I just have a hard time seeing it that way. Muses and life coaches don't steal ideas and shamelessly try to pass them off as their own.

      Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 21 months ago from San Diego California

      I have come to mostly the same conclusions about Steve Jobs. I actually wrote an article on the subject. He got rich on the other Steve's fantastic engineering work, then stole the idea for desktop icons from Xerox. The Entrepreneurial ability that we laud so much in this country really means being shameless enough to steal from the real geniuses. Great hub!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Kalinin: I sure hope folks know to take that marriage advice for the sarcastic Garbage it is, lol.

      Always glad to hear from you.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Alicia: glad I was able to provide a laugh. Thanks so much for dropping by.

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana ZK 21 months ago from California

      Love your marriage advice! You are a born marriage and family therapist :-)

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 21 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

      I love the diaper joke! I also love your opening paragraph. What an interesting way to begin a hub!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      drbj: I thought it was hilarious, and it went totally unappreciated.

      Thanks so much for stopping by.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
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      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Bill: been wanting to do another of these, but have had trouble finding the time lately.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      Jodah: glad you enjoyed it.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 21 months ago from south Florida

      Your friendly janitor's remark was a gem, Larry. The man should be knighted!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 21 months ago from Olympia, WA

      The perfect way to begin a work week. Thanks Larry!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

      I Love this volume Larry, the best yet.....I'm still grinning at most of these. The "mailman/mailwoman" conundrum...I have the same problem with those words.