Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume J
Thanks for joining us for yet another volume of this series. It’s been too long. I think I’ve really outdone myself this time in providing at least something to offend most everybody. If I’ve left you off, I do apologize and hope to get you next time.
As usual, if you’re easily offended or have ears so pristine that you have never so much as heard a dirty word, I suggest you head for the exit. Otherwise, I hope you find humor in this article…or don’t. Whatever, really. I just don’t care anymore. There isn’t any money in it.
Jokes, Ideas, and Observations:
--Some of the meanest pranks I’ve ever endured in my life were perpetrated by my mother. For example, growing up she always told me how handsome I was.
--If I could time travel, I believe I’d go back to the Ottoman Empire and rest my feet a bit.
--My daughter’s diapers say 16-24 lbs, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have to change them before they’re half that full.
--Huey Lewis & The News: “I want a new drug/One that won’t make me sick/One that won’t make me crash my car/Or make me feel three feet thick” Well, Huey and friends, it’s called pot, and it isn’t new.
--A member of an 80’s hair band walks into a garage to practice. He says to the band leader, “These pants you had me get are useless. They’re falling apart.” The band leader responds, “I said ‘leopard’ skin pants, not ‘leper’ skin!”
--I haven’t accomplished much in life, but by golly, you should see the number of things I’ve tried to do.
--My wife has taken to calling me her “better half.” I get it, love, I need to lose weight.
--Cantaloupe: like watermelon, but not as good.
--The saying is “New York, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” And that may well be true, but in the long run, I just as soon take it easy and make it anywhere but New York.
--A patient dies, so the doctor describes the patient’s condition as follows: “Having worsened, then stabilized.”
--To all the ladies out there, here’s a cheat code for life. If you want to get out of class and your teacher is a male, just say you’re having feminine problems, and no questions asked, you get a free pass.
Big Business:
--The USA: Founded by brown people, built by black people, supplied with stuff by yellow people, and ruled by useless, corrupt white guys.
--I was at Wal-Mart the other day and happened to read their slogan: “Live Better!” So I left.
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--I was in a K-Mart bathroom the other day and it was absolutely disgusting. A sign on the wall said something to the effect, “If our bathroom is in need of attention, be sure to consult one of our friendly K-Mart associates.”
My question is, how do you tell the friendly associates from the mean ones? I’ve made that mistake before, and about got my head bit off.
I did fnd it reassuring that below this sign was another sign that said, “All K-Mart associates must wash hands.”
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--The sign always says, “Employees must wash hands.” But how do they know? Wouldn’t it be more accurate if the sign said, “Employees should wash hands”?
--If you don’t want me shooting at the Target trucks, well, quit putting targets on them. If there’s a target, then I’m a shootin.
--Why don’t the major corporations save money on paper by simplifying their policy book to the one true, universal, golden rule of all big business: “It is our corporation’s policy to steal your money.”
--Piracy is not a victimless crime! It just seems that way because the entities being pirated are still so damn rich.
--I’ve always been told to “dress for success,” but is it really the nice clothes that make your wealthier, or is it that only the wealthy can waste money buying them?
--ADT: We’ll put a scary black guy on your lawn to chase robbers away.
Enduring Questions:
--If you’re playing Hangman and you’re missing an appendage, do you get fewer turns?
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--Pro Abortion folks often tend to have the following two mindsets: they feel abortion is murder and they believe in eye-for-an-eye justice.
So my question is, what about babies who eat their twins in utero? Is it ok to abort them, or do we have to wait until they’re out of mom’s womb before we put them to death?
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--I look at the success of someone like Donald Trump and it just makes me wonder, are people really as stupid as it seems, or is it just a case of willful negligence of thought compounded by a fondness for unnecessary drama?
--Am I the only one who finds the term mailman repetitive and mailwoman confusing?
Larry Mini Rants:
On Steve Jobs
Did Steve Jobs write any computer code? No. Did he invent anything? No, though he did nose in and has his name on a number of patents. Did he even have a firm grasp on how computers work? No.
So what did he do? He exploited the geniuses who knew how to develop computer technology and made ridiculous demands on how quickly they develop things. He was hateful and arrogant with the people around him. He refused to wear deodorant because he believed that he didn’t stink, and though no one was brave enough to admit it to him, he very much did.
He was lucky enough to be diagnosed with a type of cancer that was almost 100% treatable, but refused to listen to doctors and get proper treatment, and as a result, he died. He did make lots and lots of money, though.
Here’s the deal, the more books and movies that come out praising Steve Jobs as a genius, a technological messiah, the more I learn about him, the more convinced I become that he was actually an idiot.
On Artless Teachers
I worked as a teacher for about a decade. During my time at this profession some of my strongest friendships were formed with maintenance staff and not other teachers. There was a janitor in particular that I got along with real well, and he made some of the funniest observations, but the other teachers were either too important or just not clever enough to recognize his genius.
Specifically, one time a group of teachers were gossiping about a student, a practice I loathed, in the lunch room, of all places. My janitor friend and I were eating within earshot, so what were we going to do, get up and walk away?
Anyway, one of the teachers told the very embarrassing story of when he was driving a bus route and pulled into this student’s driveway to drop him off only to find this boy’s mother bent over a junked car in the front yard taking a friendly grind from her boyfriend for the moment. To which another teacher responded, “I don’t think I’ve met her.” To which another teacher responds, “She was at homecoming.”
Without missing a beat, my janitor friend says emphatically, “Well, obviously!” None of the gossiping teachers so much as giggled, just kept on with their destructive gossiping.
On Human Nature
I get aggravated with anyone who starts a sentence, “We live in a society now…” Same society as always. The same a**holes and heroes. The same rest of us. Same human nature. Are we really so full of ourselves that we think we’ve changed the nature of the human condition?
People act like it’s something new when some group of idiots kills innocent men, women, and children in the name of God. How do you think this country was founded? Those of you that don’t believe in evolution, human nature: there’s your supporting evidence right there. Same f***ing idiots since creation, and nothing to be done about it.
On Marriage
I’ve found the way to always win the war of leverage that is marriage. Every time something goes wrong, every time you’re upset, every time you find yourself in a bad mood, every time you’re faced with the terrible predicament of having to do something awful like compromise, immediately, without the slightest hint of hesitation, threaten divorce.
