12 Reasons Why I Would Have Made a Lousy 'James Bond: Agent 007'
"The name is Bond. James Bond."
The late Ian Fleming
Ian Fleming started it all
Ian Fleming does not know the end of his wealth. And we have a fictitious secret agent by the name of “James Bond,” to thank for Fleming’s riches, fame, and numerous invites he gets to exclusive cocktail parties where only people of means and sickening-fame are invited.
Ian Lancaster Fleming (28 May 1908 – 12 August 1964) was an English author, journalist and naval intelligence officer, best known for his James Bond series of spy novels. Fleming came from a wealthy family associated with the merchant bank Robert Fleming & Co., and his father was the Member of Parliament for Henley from 1910 until his death on the Western Front in 1917. Fleming was educated at Eton, Sandhurst, and the universities of Munich and Geneva, Fleming moved through several jobs before he started writing.
While working for Britain's Naval Intelligence Division during the Second World War, Fleming was involved in planning Operation Goldeneye and in the planning and oversight of two intelligence units, 30 Assault Unit and T-Force. His wartime service and his career as a journalist provided the majority of the background, detail and depth of the James Bond novels.
So, Bond was "born" in 1952
Fleming wrote his first Bond novel, Casino Royale, in 1952. It was a success, with three print runs being commissioned to cope with the demand. Eleven Bond novels and two short-story collections followed between 1953 and 1966. The novels revolved around James Bond, an officer in the Secret Intelligence Service, commonly known as MI6. Bond was also known by his code number, 007, and was a commander in the Royal Naval Reserve. The Bond stories rank among the best-selling series of fictional books of all time, having sold over 100 million copies worldwide. The Times ranked Fleming 14th on its list of "The 50 greatest British writers since 1945".
Over the “007 Years,” several accomplished actors have portrayed “James Bond,” including Sean Connery; Roger Moore; Pierce Brosnan; Daniel Craig; Timothy Dalton; Barry Nelson; David Niven and George Lazenby. Frankly, I do not recall Barry Nelson in any “Bond” film or any other film that made an impact on our society. The same can be said for George Lazenby, but he couldn’t help it if 007 fans preferred Connery over him as “James Bond.”
NOTE: Barry Nelson was the first “James Bond,” who starred in “Casino Royale,” in 1954. As per my comment of not remembering him in any 007 film, well a one-year-old has little memory of anyone or anything and at Nelson’s 007 debut, I was one. Case closed.
I apologize, Barry
Roger Moore as "007"
Roger Moore using his self-defense skills
Who was the best "James Bond?"
Polls have been taken by various entertainment services as to determine who was “the” best “James Bond,” and it came as no surprise that Sean Connery landed in first place with little trouble. No offense to the other accomplished actors, but Connery has got “that” magical (for lack of a better word), trait that makes him the near-perfect “Agent 007.”
From this charm to his extraordinary amount of self-confidence, Connery does not “act” as “James Bond,” he is “James Bond.” Throngs of women all over the world as well as guys loved him in every “Bond” film ever made. But Sean Connery starred in more than just “Bond” films. He starred with Kevin Costner in The Untouchables, with Nicholas Cage in The Rock and with Harrison Ford as “Indiana Jones,” in the third and final installment of “Indiana Jones” The Last Crusade (1989), where he played “Indiana Jones’” dad, “Henry Jones, Sr.,” and was hilarious as well as riveting in his performance.
Roger Moore was the oldest actor to portray “James Bond.” Moore also has a long list of film and television credits that include The Alaskans, Maverick, and as Simon Templar in The Saint.
Pierce Brosnan, a very-accomplished actor also played a suave “James Bond,” but also had hit films such as Mama Mia, The Ghost Writer, Mrs. Doubtfire and his most-memorable television work: Remington Steele where he co-starred with Stephanie Zimbalist as two fearless private detectives solving tough cases each week, but without Zimbalist knowing who or where Steele, Brosnan’s character, came from.
Brosnan ready to go to battle as "007"
Sean Connery: Number one "007"
So in the final tally, the most-popular “James Bond: Agent 007,” (rated from one through three) were: Sean Connery, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan.
Ahhh, the beauty of the written word. And such a talent as Ian Fleming to make “Agent 007,” such a realistic part of our lives. Fleming and his words shall never be severed from our memories.
Alas, “Agent 007,” was merely fiction. But I am a realist. I deal with the edges of reality in my work on HubPages and I enjoy myself way too much at times as you will soon experience.
Brosnan was very debonair as "Bond"
Actors who I am overjoyed at them not playing "Agent 007"
Michael J. Foxx
One question: Why was there never a female actress cast as "Agent 007"?
Let’s say for reality’s sake that one day, our country is under siege by some foreign group of blood-thirsty killers who will stop at nothing before they take over our nation. The president of that time has a dilemma on his hands. Whom will he turn to get us out of this trouble? With one phone call to the C.I.A. in Langley, Virginia, he gets his answer: Me. What? Yes, me.
I am being called upon to get out of my comfort zone (in my home with my cup of fresh black coffee and trusty laptop) and literally save America with my sharp wits and sense of humor, my only two redeeming talents to speak of. I get to have a one-on-one visit with the president at that time and I come to the sad conclusion that “I” am not the one for the job as a real-life, “Agent 007,” and I have to decline my president’s offer.
“Why,” he pleads. “Simple,” I reply. “Actually,” I say. “There are . . .”
“14 Reasons Why I Would be a Lousy ‘James Bond,’ Agent 007”
- I am lousy at speaking a foreign language. Can you imagine this conversation: ME: “You all come on out with your hands up or I will shoot!” BLOOD-THIRSTY TERRORIST (in their language) “What does this American pig mean?”
- I do not smoke cigarettes or anything else, so there goes that trait of me being “New James Bond,” straight out of the window.
- I despise driving at dangerous speeds in a car, truck or shopping cart. So far that is three strikes against me rescuing America as “Agent 007.”
- I am not in tip-top physical shape as the “Bond” agents, so thereby I cannot climb tall buildings, mountains, towers or run “like the wind,” in pursuit of these blood-thirsty terrorists to make them surrender and be sent to prison.
- Disguises were a part of “James Bond’s” battle plan to infiltrate his enemy’s headquarters and then shut them down, but in my case, my nerves are so bad that whatever disguise my bosses order me to wear, I would soak it with sweat and my cover would be blown.
- “James Bond,” was well-trained in warfare on land and underwater activities of the evil people who were out for world domination, but I cannot hold my breath for more than one minute. And when it comes to swimming, I can only do a decent “dog paddle.” And knowing all about blood-thirsty terrorists, they will not play by my rules, so here is another reason for our president (at this time) to appoint someone more qualified.
- I do not own a firearm and I admit that being an expert marksman is a key part of being “James Bond,” but loud noises such as guns being fired make me edgy and no blood-thirsty terrorist is going to respect a secret agent who fights them with his hands covering his ears.
- “James Bond,” sometimes treated the gorgeous women who adored him like dirt. But they still chased after him. I could not do that to any woman. I appreciate them too much.
- I cannot stand to travel that far from home, but all of the “James Bond” characters had to be able to leave in a minute’s notice to stop some fiendish plot from unfolding to take over some peaceful country. I would get air sick if I had to fly and sea sick if I had to go by ship. To make things more frustrating, NO secret agent, “James Bond,” included, would be respected by anyone good or evil if they were forced to ride a bus.
- Talk about having a nervous break-down or sudden heart attack, I have never did any skydiving. I have a terrible fear of heights and skydiving would be the embarrassing death of me, the “New James Bond.”
- I do not drink alcoholic beverages at anytime. Not even if “X,” my boss who took “Q’s,” place, the man who was “James Bond’s” handler, ordered me to do so. Can you imagine me getting wasted on vodka martinis and my speech get slurred? I might reveal who I really am? Imagine this scene. EVIL BEAUTIFUL GIRL: “Ohhh, now, ‘James, ba-be, have another martini. The night is still young.” ME: “Did you say, uhh, (choke, slur) ‘James? That’s me alright (slur, eyes glaze-over), ‘James Bond,’ and I am here to break-up a horrible (slur, slur) spy ring.” Oh, you will not tell (slur) anyone my secret will you, (slur, slur, head bobbles) ‘Lily?” LILY: “Wy’ noooo, sweetheart. Let’s go to my apartment where you can talk all you want.”
- Sometimes “Bond,” would use martial arts as a self-defense, so once again, I have never taken any Judo, Tai Kwan Do or even Karate lessons. Shoot! I cannot even defend myself using my fists. What kind of world-famous secret agent doesn’t know any of the martial arts? Answer: A dead one.
- I am not a gambler. I have never played Poker for money or even been inside a casino. Remember all “007” fans, “Bond,” was an expert at playing the Roulette Wheel, Poker or any game of chance, but not me. I cannot see myself impressing an evil mastermind with my amazing game of darts.
- Part of what made “James Bond’s,” charismatic image was his hair was always combed and styled. Well, if I am to be the “New Bond,” the president is going to have to allocate some funds for me to get a super good-looking hair transplant. And I hope that the president who I will be seeing is a Democrat, for a Republican president will only give me the funds for a stylish wig.
Coming soon . . .Your guess is as good as mine.
Connery at home with the ladies
Sean Connery, at a glance
- Sir Thomas Sean Connery is a Scottish actor and producer who has won an Academy Award, two BAFTA Awards (one of them being a BAFTA Academy Fellowship Award) and three Golden Globes (including the Cecil B. DeMille Award and a Henrietta Award). He was knighted by Elizabeth II in July 2000, and received the Kennedy Center Honors in the US.
- Connery is best known for portraying the character James Bond, starring in seven Bond films between 1962 and 1983 (six Eon Productions films and the non-Eon Thunderball remake, Never Say Never Again). In 1988, Connery won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role in The Untouchables. His film career also includes such films as Marnie, The Name of the Rose, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Hunt for Red October, Highlander, Murder on the Orient Express, Dragonheart, and The Rock.
- Connery has been polled as "The Greatest Living Scot" and "Scotland's Greatest Living National Treasure". In 1989, he was proclaimed "Sexiest Man Alive" by People magazine and in 1999, at age 69, he was voted "Sexiest Man of the Century".