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20 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep!

Updated on December 30, 2013

It’s that time of year again when many of us resolve to change the parts and pieces of ourselves we just aren’t quite happy with. Before long, it will be time to be disappointed in ourselves for not sticking to said resolutions, so this year, let’s try something different! Let’s just skip the part where we make unattainable goals for ourselves only to suffer huge blows to our self-esteem when we don’t make it. Let’s just go for what we know we can do and that way when we achieve it, it will improve our self-esteem rather than deflate it.

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#1: Plan on working out 5 days a week, but only make it to the gym once a month, then taper off and quit entirely by March.

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#2: Give the ex another second chance. It couldn’t have been all bad, right?

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#3: Gain 5 lbs. by the end of February.

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#4: Keep getting coffee for the boss and letting him stare at your lady parts. Sure it’s demeaning, but it keeps your friendship healthy and he said he would give you a promotion!

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#5: Buy loads of organic, local food at extravagant prices, but munch out on Cheetos in private.

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#6: Always keep a change of clothes in the car for when you get too drunk and throw up on yourself or fall in a puddle…or worse.

#7: Only apply for new credit cards if it saves more than $50 on this purchase.

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#8: On sunny days, limit circling the parking lot to 10 minutes trying to get the closest parking spot and feel good about walking those extra 20 feet!

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#9: Only open misdelivered mail if it looks like it contains money.

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#10: If a friend leaves something when she stays over, always return it to her (after you decide it’s not flattering on you).

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#11: Shave legs at least two inches above the hem of whatever article of clothing you're wearing. That way even when you cross your legs, it looks like your personal hygiene is complete.

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#12: Spend more on groceries than on booze, even if you have to circle the store again to pick up more food before checking out.

#13: Open a couple extra email accounts so you can get more free months of Netflix.

#14: Save money by making friends with someone who has an in-ground pool.

#15: Order extra take-out for dinner so you can pack your own lunch the next day. Tell people at work you made it.

#16: Google GMO, so when health nuts are talking about them you won’t have a blank stare look on your face.

#17: Watch some classic movies made from books, so you can contribute like a pro when people are having scholarly conversations.

#18: Use those Redbox coupons instead of wasting $1.07 on a rental.

#19: Work on your exaggeration skills: “I’m almost finished with that report” sounds way more better than, “I opened Word on the computer and it’s been sitting there blank for 3 hours while I Facebooked.”

#20: Count calories burned in “intimate moments.” Oh, yeah, all 5 minutes worth.

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    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 3 years ago from The Beautiful South

      hahahahhahahaha.......Everyone should read this so I will share and hope everyone else will too.

    • Anil and Honey profile image

      Anil 3 years ago from Kerala

      Nice, it is acceptable , thanks for sharing, Happy new year.

    • CraftytotheCore profile image

      CraftytotheCore 3 years ago

      This was great! I could identify with a couple. Seriously, one time we went to the grocery store to buy some adult beverages, hehe, and we ran in to people from church who were very against any form of alcohol. So, we started putting stuff in our cart to make it look like we were doing regular grocery shopping....nothing to see here...... LOL

      I made the stupidest mistake of deciding it would be a good thing to apply for charge cards everywhere I went. No, I'm serious. That way, I'd always be able to buy whatever I needed wherever I was. LOL Well, that didn't work out too well for me. I took a huge hit on my credit, and then I had all those charge card bills. So, this is definitely right up there with one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. :D

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

      I am also sharing this great hub for sure and thank you for sharing with us. A Happy new year to you and yours and lots of love from Wales.

      eddy.

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