5 Easy Ways to Avoid Getting a Ticket

Nobody likes getting a ticket, but what can you do to avoid them? Well I've consulted some very questionable "experts" in order to find the answer to this age old question.

1. Treat him like a long lost friend. Offer to take him out for a free coffee and donuts. Ask him about his life.
2. Speak with your lips, but don't udder a word vocally. Pretend your mute, but don't do anything to attempt to indicate this. Act like you have no idea that he can't hear you. This aims to both confuse him and invoke sympathy, if he comes to believe you're mute.
3. Keep a "Get Well Soon" or, more effectively, a sympathy card in your passenger seat where it'ts easily viewable from the driver's window. Adding a balloon would be a nice touch (though replacing it every couple of weeks might be costly). If you get pulled over, hopefully the cop will assume that someone close to you is going through a hard time and understand that your mind is just too wrapped up in it to focus on trivial tasks, such as following the speed limit, noticing stop signs, or yielding to that elderly gentleman crossing the road.
4. Start crying about how, ever since you started your chemotherapy, you've been experiencing a constant and painful need to urinate. Be apologetic, but act like you need to get to a bathroom fast or you're going to explode. Hopefully the cop will be sorrowful enough that he'll just let you go with a warning in order to speed things up. If this fails, run out of the car while he's handing you the ticket and pee behind the closest tree.
5. Ask him how his Willy's doing whilst digging around in whatever garbage you may have lying around in your car, after he asks for your license and registration. Hand him something random and start yapping about "that's what my granddaddy always said... why did he have to go?" and then turn on your windshield wipers in a hurried manor (bonus points for screaming at them out of fear). Every time he asks you a question, look at him as if you sincerely understand what he's saying but then look away and reply "But that's what she told me, at least." with a distracted look in your eyes. Be sure to follow that up with a rant about something random. Anything to confuse him. If he does try to hand you a ticket, gently push his hands away saying "I'm sure your a very honest man, but I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers." Warning: While you may not get a ticket, this method will have you sent to a mental hospital.