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How to Become an Expert or Consultant.

Updated on January 27, 2012

Don't be Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan worked hard.  All it got him was this obviously Photoshopped picture of him on "Mars."  We all know Mars is the Roman God of War, not a place in the sky.
Carl Sagan worked hard. All it got him was this obviously Photoshopped picture of him on "Mars." We all know Mars is the Roman God of War, not a place in the sky. | Source

Everyone is an Expert to Someone

Everyone has unique abilities. Everyone has different life experiences. Like snowflakes, no two people are alike. However, to be taken seriously, you need to become an Authority. Some world-famous experts, like the late Carl Sagan, went to school for many years to learn useless subjects like Cosmology, Physics, and Calculus. You don't need to do that; it just sounds like work to me.

Here are five sure-fire ways to become an expert on any subject.

Pinocchio Knows Lying is Best.

Pinocchio is world-famous for lying.  Don't you want to be world-famous?
Pinocchio is world-famous for lying. Don't you want to be world-famous? | Source

Number One, Lie

One of my father's former employees had an answer for anything. He was a fairly smart guy. If he didn't know what you were talking about, he still chimed in with his opinion. The key to success? He never let the truth get in the way of an answer. Politics, religion, physics, global warming, the price of tea in China--anything really--he would whip up an answer. It might have sounded stupid or insane to the stupid and insane, but he impressed the rest of us with his vast knowledge of everything.

The Bigger They Are, The Smarter They Are!

Dr. Martin Cooper of Motorola making a call on his Smartphone in 2007.  This advanced unit won't be out until next year.
Dr. Martin Cooper of Motorola making a call on his Smartphone in 2007. This advanced unit won't be out until next year. | Source

Number Two, Buy a Smart Phone

It's easy to be an expert at home with your computer and personal library in front of you, but what do you do when you're on the run? Right, you look it up on your iPhone. Ask Siri for a tip or just do a random search, it really doesn't matter.

Most non-experts make the mistake of thinking that "reliable" sources such as major newspapers or MSNBC, NPR, or the Library of Congress make good stops. Those places are for suckers. You want places with the least amount of traffic. That lets you know that the information is true, 'cause we all know the media and government always lie. Especially that Carl Kasell guy; he'll say anything for a buck.

Photoshop Fixes Everything.

Obviously this picture proves I took a trip around the world.  All of the elements are there.
Obviously this picture proves I took a trip around the world. All of the elements are there. | Source

Number Three, Photoshop

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but what if the picture you have seems to contradict what you've been telling people? If you've been telling people that, indeed, the sky IS sometimes a strange color, you need to back it up. A simple color replacement is all that's needed here. Did you say you saw a UFO, but the picture's not very good? Well, taking a picture of yourself posed by a UFO will convince them, won't it? You can whip that up in no time. No mistakes about it, Photoshop can make anyone an expert with proof to back up their claims.

What Search Engines Are.

This is a picture of a 6-cylinder, gasoline-powered, search engine.  Others may run on diesel or kerosene
This is a picture of a 6-cylinder, gasoline-powered, search engine. Others may run on diesel or kerosene | Source

Number Four, Optimize Searches

If everyone is using Google, it's obviously full of misinformation. The masses flock to popular search engines; the masses are short, brutish, and smelly. Obviously you need an unpopular search engine. The more unpopular the better. I used to like Magellan or Altavista, but they became so unpopular, they disappeared. Just do a search on the least popular engine you can find for "unpopular search engines." You've struck gold if you can find a forum of mountain men, Birch Society members, or libertarians who have been kicked out of the movement for being too radical.

Blogging is the Key, Use It.

The more pop-ups and -unders that your blog has, the better it is.  GeoCities is famous for those things, you might want to get a blog there.
The more pop-ups and -unders that your blog has, the better it is. GeoCities is famous for those things, you might want to get a blog there. | Source

Number Five, Write a Blog

Nothing says expert like, "Blogger." If you put words down on paper, no one will see them. If you type them online, potentially everyone on the planet--living or dead--will have access to your unique insight. Anything you put on the Internet is information that is true. Even if you just made it up. Be sure to disable anything like a comments section or a visible visitor count. If there are no signs of disagreement, you are right. You are always right when you put words down where anyone can see them.

Aesop Told Fables.

Aesop lived a long time ago.  This might be him.  He taught me that grasshoppers rule.
Aesop lived a long time ago. This might be him. He taught me that grasshoppers rule. | Source

You Know I'm Right, Admit It!

When I was in college, I wasted a lot of time studying and doing research. Once I hit the real world, I learned that the hard work didn't pay off; the ants get nowhere while the grasshopper wins in the end. Anyone can be an expert. The smarter you appear, the further you will go. But you don't want to be too smart or your boss will fear you. Using the tips I've outlined above will make you the right kind of smart. Your employer, utilizing the Peter Principle, will attempt to promote you to the level of your incompetence. You might just make it to the top.

Never let anyone give you up. Never let anyone down. Never run around or desert people. Never say goodbye. Never make people cry. Never, ever, never don't tell a lie and hurt people.

Everything I just Read About is Great Information, Right?

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    • thesingernurse profile image

      thesingernurse 5 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

      I officially stumbled upon a very amusing hub. You are right... We call that type of smart in my language as "madiskarte". :D Voted up. I love it! :D

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Some amusing and useful advice. Voting this Up and Funny.

    • Eric Newland profile image

      Eric Newland 5 years ago from Dayton, Ohio

      Whoa, you just rickrolled in a hub. I am impressed. I bow to your obvious expertise.

    • Aunt Jimi profile image

      Aunt Jimi 5 years ago from The reddest of the Red states!

      Seems like a lot of people were taking your advice even before you wrote it! Very good as always. Enjoyed it and got a chuckle.