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5 Surprising Things Never to Say to a Clown

Updated on October 13, 2012

1. You missed a spot

No self-respecting clown goes on stage or into the 7-11 for a 44 ounce diet cola without carefully touching up every exposed area. They live to paint their faces. Your insensitive comment may send that sensitive performer spiraling downward toward enrolling at a community college for a paralegal degree. Watch your words carefully.

2. Can I have a ride?

Don't be fooled by their cheerful demeanor: clowns have to pay for gas just like the rest of us normal citizens. if you want a free ride, offer to pay for it. Consider also that the legendary clown car may be full. Squeezing you into the back seat could take hours.

3. You should run for office

Clowns hate competition, especially subsidized competition. A clown entering politics symbolizes the ultimate in redundant redundancy. Yes, they watch the debates and they read the attack pieces on The Huffington Post and they look to Bill O'Reilly for tips and tricks, but the typical clown sees himself as above the political fray, for obvious reasons.

4. Can you hook up my new printer?

Yes, most IT professionals are clowns, but don't assume that most clowns are IT professionals. A clown posses quiet dignity behind those floppy shoes. Hidden in the creases of the greasepaint lies a worldly understanding of the human condition rivaled only by Oprah's segment producers. Asking these gentle folks for IT support may cause them to go postal, which is no laughing matter if you find yourself on the business end of the seltzer bottle.

5. What's up, Bozo?

Clowns may all look alike to we humans, but they each enjoy a separate identity. They aren't members of a collective, like The Borg. They aren't a political voting block like angry white men who own guns and live in the suburbs. Resist the urge to generalize your favorite clown. The next time you're at the circus, please address each painted performer as a discrete, sensitive, self-aware sentient being with too much makeup.

We're here to help

Make the world a better place by carefully considering your words when you talk to a clown. They have emotions just like the rest of us. They may be hiding behind rubber noses and garish caftans, but in their hearts they trod the red carpet in a Neil Allyn Tuxedo.


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    • JBeadle profile image

      J Beadle 5 years ago from Midwest

      In general, I have a fear of clowns... so I try not to say anything to one if I happened to be near one - which is rare because as I've stated - I have a fear of clowns. Should I find myself near a clown though, I will be sure not to follow your advice her. Rated up.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thanks, nicomp, for these illuminating instructions. I promise from this moment on not to make these mistakes when addressing bozos, I mean, clowns.

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran - The Write Stuff 5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Up and funny, again. How about, when talking to TECH SUPPORT clowns: "Your English is perfect; it must be me."

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Actually, I meant your Amazon ads :-)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Austinstar: I am seeing ads below the picture. Some of them are a single text ad in the place where a banner ad should be. It's a sign that HubPages isn't drawing the advertisers like it used to.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      What's wrong with this hub? Anybody?

      Not one single ad, that's what. I'm freaking out.

    • calynbana profile image

      Christina 5 years ago from Toronto

      This has been a very informative read. I never really considered how I interact with clowns before...I can now be sure not to cross any boundaries!

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Absolutely, positively marvelous! I enjoyed every delightful word. You've captured the magic world of "clown-ship" (I know that's not a real word) and prevented us from making gaffes if we ever interact with a clown.

      Voted Up+++


    • Cogerson profile image

      Cogerson 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks for these suggestions on talking with clowns....I will be sure to follow the 5 rules.....sadly the only clown I see these days is Cam on Modern Family....who plays a part time clown on the show....and you can tell how much he likes being a clown....voted up, interesting and funny.