5 Surprising Things Never to Say to a Clown
1. You missed a spot
No self-respecting clown goes on stage or into the 7-11 for a 44 ounce diet cola without carefully touching up every exposed area. They live to paint their faces. Your insensitive comment may send that sensitive performer spiraling downward toward enrolling at a community college for a paralegal degree. Watch your words carefully.
2. Can I have a ride?
Don't be fooled by their cheerful demeanor: clowns have to pay for gas just like the rest of us normal citizens. if you want a free ride, offer to pay for it. Consider also that the legendary clown car may be full. Squeezing you into the back seat could take hours.
3. You should run for office
Clowns hate competition, especially subsidized competition. A clown entering politics symbolizes the ultimate in redundant redundancy. Yes, they watch the debates and they read the attack pieces on The Huffington Post and they look to Bill O'Reilly for tips and tricks, but the typical clown sees himself as above the political fray, for obvious reasons.
4. Can you hook up my new printer?
Yes, most IT professionals are clowns, but don't assume that most clowns are IT professionals. A clown posses quiet dignity behind those floppy shoes. Hidden in the creases of the greasepaint lies a worldly understanding of the human condition rivaled only by Oprah's segment producers. Asking these gentle folks for IT support may cause them to go postal, which is no laughing matter if you find yourself on the business end of the seltzer bottle.
5. What's up, Bozo?
Clowns may all look alike to we humans, but they each enjoy a separate identity. They aren't members of a collective, like The Borg. They aren't a political voting block like angry white men who own guns and live in the suburbs. Resist the urge to generalize your favorite clown. The next time you're at the circus, please address each painted performer as a discrete, sensitive, self-aware sentient being with too much makeup.
We're here to help
Make the world a better place by carefully considering your words when you talk to a clown. They have emotions just like the rest of us. They may be hiding behind rubber noses and garish caftans, but in their hearts they trod the red carpet in a Neil Allyn Tuxedo.