5 simple things not to shoplift from Costco
1. Ocelots
The Ocelot Department might seem like a soft target for light-fingered shopping, but woe shall betide thee. Studies funded by the National Ocelot Society indicate that a high concentration of really bad epidermis injuries often result from secreting these semi-lovable examples of Leopardus down your shirt. Your blood trail will give you away regardless of how stridently you race-stroll to the nearest exit.
2. Automobile Tires
Admittedly, you were able to set a small but smokey fire in the ocelot department. All available loss-prevention professionals are sufficiently distracted as you plan your caper in the automotive aisle. You carefully and confidently roll a Bridgestone Potenza RE970AS Pole Position steel belted radial past the greeter into the relative anonymity of the parking lot. You're on your way to shoplifting an authentic automobile tire. Now what? The thing doesn't match the tires you already have installed on your 1995 Honda Accord SE. Assuming you could get it mounted and balanced before law enforcement authorities arrived, we all know that an unmatched tire is inherently dangerous during a police chase.
3. Weather Radio
If you abscond with a weather radio, you'll need batteries. If you steal batteries, you'll need a battery charger. If you shoplift a battery charger, you'll need an extension cord because all your outlets are filled with grow lamps. If you ripoff an extension cord, you'll need a 3-prong outlet adapter because your parent's basement was built in 1940. Costo doesn't sell 3-prong outlet adapters. Don't filch a weather radio.
4. Pants
Costco, while a haven for bargain-conscious shoppers, offers little in the way of fashion. Keep in mind that the same pants you're pilfering are concurrently walking out of wholesale warehouse stores all across the fruited plain. All the hip shoplifters will be wearing your pants. You may as well wear a name tag that says "Hi My Name Is Criminal." Certainly you want to blend in, but you don't want to look like a herd. Even ocelots enjoy a little variation throughout the species.
5. A Justin Bieber CD
Show some self-respect, please. Don't go to all the effort of returning your stolen ocelot for store credit, filling your shopping cart with 2-pound cans of generic mayonnaise, then cramming a Justin Bieber publication into your Uggs before you enter the checkout line. Cameras are always watching: don't find yourself on YouTube stealing a copy of Believe. You'll be laughed out of the shoplifting union.
Whoop, there it is.
Do not, under any circumstances, shoplift the preceding 5 items from Costco. We're here to help: your life will be much more liveable without the burden of a pending court case hanging over your head. Costco will not overlook your indiscretion, nor will the local constabulary.
