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5 simple things not to shoplift from Costco

Updated on October 30, 2012

1. Ocelots

The Ocelot Department might seem like a soft target for light-fingered shopping, but woe shall betide thee. Studies funded by the National Ocelot Society indicate that a high concentration of really bad epidermis injuries often result from secreting these semi-lovable examples of Leopardus down your shirt. Your blood trail will give you away regardless of how stridently you race-stroll to the nearest exit.

2. Automobile Tires

Admittedly, you were able to set a small but smokey fire in the ocelot department. All available loss-prevention professionals are sufficiently distracted as you plan your caper in the automotive aisle. You carefully and confidently roll a Bridgestone Potenza RE970AS Pole Position steel belted radial past the greeter into the relative anonymity of the parking lot. You're on your way to shoplifting an authentic automobile tire. Now what? The thing doesn't match the tires you already have installed on your 1995 Honda Accord SE. Assuming you could get it mounted and balanced before law enforcement authorities arrived, we all know that an unmatched tire is inherently dangerous during a police chase.

3. Weather Radio

If you abscond with a weather radio, you'll need batteries. If you steal batteries, you'll need a battery charger. If you shoplift a battery charger, you'll need an extension cord because all your outlets are filled with grow lamps. If you ripoff an extension cord, you'll need a 3-prong outlet adapter because your parent's basement was built in 1940. Costo doesn't sell 3-prong outlet adapters. Don't filch a weather radio.

4. Pants

Costco, while a haven for bargain-conscious shoppers, offers little in the way of fashion. Keep in mind that the same pants you're pilfering are concurrently walking out of wholesale warehouse stores all across the fruited plain. All the hip shoplifters will be wearing your pants. You may as well wear a name tag that says "Hi My Name Is Criminal." Certainly you want to blend in, but you don't want to look like a herd. Even ocelots enjoy a little variation throughout the species.

5. A Justin Bieber CD

Show some self-respect, please. Don't go to all the effort of returning your stolen ocelot for store credit, filling your shopping cart with 2-pound cans of generic mayonnaise, then cramming a Justin Bieber publication into your Uggs before you enter the checkout line. Cameras are always watching: don't find yourself on YouTube stealing a copy of Believe. You'll be laughed out of the shoplifting union.

Whoop, there it is.

Do not, under any circumstances, shoplift the preceding 5 items from Costco. We're here to help: your life will be much more liveable without the burden of a pending court case hanging over your head. Costco will not overlook your indiscretion, nor will the local constabulary.


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    • profile image

      Upir Name 5 years ago


    • Niteriter profile image

      Niteriter 5 years ago from Canada

      I'm pretty sure I remember hearing somebody somewhere say that absconding is frowned upon at Costco. One noted exception, as I may have heard it, is for Costco executives who abscond with shareholder earnings at the end of each quarter in the form of performance bonuses.

      You, having now done your part to streamline corporate cash flow at the retail level, could very well be in line for a performance bonus at the end of Q4. Congratulations. Shrinking Adsense revenue is now just a fading bad dream.

    • profile image 5 years ago

      LOL! Heh Nicomp isn't not just the cameras anymore it's the surveillance drones - even mosquitoes with cameras watching YOU!

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 5 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      I always wanted an Ocelot. Spoil sport! I tried the weather radio but I wasn't strong enough. Good laugh

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Just as I thought :-)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Austinstar : Justin Bieber is uniquely suited to be on the Weather Radio.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Only people without windows need a weather radio. Unless they also use it to listen to Justin Bieber.

    • Insane Mundane profile image

      Insane Mundane 5 years ago from Earth

      ...People who often enunciate creative verbiage always sucked at stealing, regardless if it's Costco or Walmart, etc. :D

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

      LOL, def.

    • Cogerson profile image

      Cogerson 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks for the advice....I will be sure to follow at least 4 of the rules....can not tell you that I will be able to resist getting a free Justin Bieber cd up and funny.

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran - The Write Stuff 5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      This is a pisser. Voted up and funny. Thanks for the yucks. By the way, I never steal ocelots, I just borrow them from time to time.

    • Sharkye11 profile image

      Jayme Kinsey 5 years ago from Oklahoma

      Haha! So true! Especially the plug adapter...its just too much trouble!

    • calynbana profile image

      Christina 5 years ago from Toronto

      Very amusing hub! Made me smile

    • MissDoolittle profile image

      MissDoolittle 5 years ago from Sussex, UK

      Funny - made me smile!