How to Be a Success. Really.

People stop me on the street daily and say things like, "You sir, driving that 1990 Ford Pickup with all the paint falling off, can you tell me the secret to your success? I would love to be like you." Others comment on my designer clothing: "That battered green fedora you're wearing, combined with that leather bomber jacket makes you look like a movie star. Are you Harrison Ford? If so, where's your whip and which way to the Temple of Doom?"

It could be the neighbors commending my gardening abilities--"How did you get your lawn so green? All my grass is dead, but your weeds look amazing!" Victor, from across the fence, might look favorably upon my vast back-yard engineering projects and ask me, "Hey, I thought you said when you finished your pond you were going to replace the fence that was built by Sam Houston to keep the Comanches out. When is that going to happen?"

Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm the center of attention. Since I am obviously successful, handsome, intelligent, suave, and a good dresser, I am qualified to offer you these 5 tips that will make U2 become a success. Bam, Bono is now a mega-zillionaire. That was easy.

Success can only be gauged by other people. Obviously you have to live your life to please them. Find your bitterest critic or enemy and ask them what's wrong with you. Are you stupid? Eat more fish or go back to school (or both). Ugly? Consider surgery or a paper bag with holes cut out. Rude? Be nicer to the young and elderly. You might consider buying a Pedobear costume to wear to elementary school functions. Boring? Brush up on your small talk. Weather, sports, and waffle irons make excellent party conversation topics.

Here are a few cars should go over big: 1980 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, 1988 Buick Roadmaster, 1995 Chevrolet Caprice, 1975 AMC Ambassador, and 1995 Crown Vicoria--especially a white one with a spot light!

Success is about the quantity of what you drive, not the quality. You can't afford that big car that everyone else at work is driving? Try buying a different car for every day of the week. Put an ad up on Craigslist, "Wanted 5 different running cars for $100 or less." You will find some quality transportation that will have the office talking about you endlessly. Especially if you live in a cold place where they salt the roads during the winter. You will have not only windows to look out, but custom-shaped port-holes in the lower part of the body and undercarriage. Remember, insurance costs money and is for suckers. If you insure 5 cars, you'll be broke. Same thing for paying the taxes for the plates. Be a rebel, save that cash for lunch.

Where you live speaks volumes about who you are. If you think that the neighborhood you want to live in is too expensive, try this simple tip: lie on your loan application. Claim that your grandfather invented the bread slicer and that you have a trust fund to rely upon. That job as a fry cook at the truckstop is just for fun. You can then look at houses that cost 15-30 times your annual salary. Be sure that you line up a friend to play "trust fund attorney" and verify that you have other income. Remember, if this falls through, that Bank Fraud is a Federal Crime. You'll be put in a nice white-collar prison with guys named Biff. It will enlarge your social circle and prestige immensely.

Lots of jewlery is important. A ring for every finger with BIG stones, lots of necklaces, and tons of scent go a long way.

Your clothing says the most about you. Unless you invite someone to your house, no one knows what it looks like. If they don't see you drive up, they don't know what you drive. Clothing says it all. Buy designer clothes...at the flea market or those special sales at the Civic Center--you know the ones: "Sabado Y Domingo, 2 DAYS ONLY!!!, Prices you won't believe. Name Brand Products at INSANE prices." It doesn't matter that they're Ralf Lawrence or Pravda; absolutely no one will be looking that closely at the tags. If one sleeve is longer than the other, it's a fashion statement, not a defect.

Don't forget your gallon of eau de toilette while you're at the sale. Oppression by Calfin Kleen, Pulu by Rofl 'Orange, or Channel Numero Duo are all popular choices. If you don't have $5 for the gallon, consider the scent dispensers in the bathrooms of the 24-hour truck stop down at the crossroads. It's only 50 cents and is "guaranteed to be wet."

Don't forget footwear. Ladies, nothing says class like heels; the higher they are, the more class they possess. Fur, rhinestones, and glitter are also important in posh female footwear. Men, consider one of the most famous men in Western history: Jesus. He is internationally famous. Ask yourself, What Would Jesus Do? He would wear sandals, year 'round. Sandals go with anything!

Success in social circles is important. Networking with the right people is everything. You need to find the most popular clubs around. You know, the ones where local celebrities, such as the local TV weatherman or Ag columnist from the paper go to party. With your hip ride and great clothes, you've already made a great impression before you walk in the door. Slip the doorman a couple of Washingtons to get in ahead of the plebeian masses. Then break out your dance moves. The "Running Man," "The Robot," and "Thriller" are sure to please all audiences. You will have the opposite sex hanging off your arms asking for more. The same sex will be jealous and asking how you do it.

Remember, you never have a second chance. There's only one life to live, so you have to make a big impression. Listen to what other people say. Experts, like me, will help you. If you want to know if you're popular and successful, you have to rely on others to tell you. Your insecurities will vanish in a flash as you start taking advice from everyone around you. Don't worry if it seems to be contradictory, it'll all work out in the end.

Do not listen to anyone who tells you that you're ok. The guy who wrote,"I'm OK, You're OK," killed himself. Obviously nobody is ok. Everyone must pitch in and help or you'll never make it to the apex of perfection.