The Stupidest 'Wise' Sayings Known to Man and How to Improve Them 2
I have discovered a new joy, oh lovely and delightful readers, a new joy that makes me like unto a happy little girl frolicking through a field full of daisies while hopped up on benadryl because of her allergies. I have discovered the joy of ranting about stupidity. Perhaps I just enjoy that beautiful look on a poor, misguided soul's face when I tell them the saying they've used hurts my brain... perhaps I just love to use the phrase 'smite idiocy.' Regardless of motive, my people, your fabled writer and knight of laptop justice has returned to rant and rave once more of the world's dumbest human sayings and the infinite depth of their stupidity, because he so enjoys himself when doing so. FEAR NOT, noble citizens, once again I shall smite these sayings with my hammer of analysis, smashing through their shell-like coating of fake wisdom to reveal the soft, fleshy idiocy that lies beneath. Have no fear if you are confused, noble citizens, I shall not let you perish in
a swirling abyss of foolishness. Please, no flowers or thank you cards. Ladies' phone numbers accepted.
Our first victim of righteous might I am sorry to say I previously forgot my extreme hatred for. Proceed with caution, the stupidity may be too strong for the weak minded. I say this not to incite fear, but out of concern for your well being.
"Those who can't do, teach."
I know, my friends, I know... if you're anything like me, you can feel it just slide into your cerebellum and incite rage. So, what we are saying here is that teachers cannot do what it is they're teaching, and that is why they teach instead. Example: Your math teacher can't do math in the real world, so therefore, he teaches it instead. Frustration building? I concur. Ok, FIRSTLY, let's imagine how F*%&ed up the world would be if everyone who ever taught you something, couldn't actually do what they taught, aka, your math teacher doesn't know math. Please consult the diagram.
SECONDLY, let us imagine the terror we would have learning 90% of what we've learned if our teachers couldn't F*&#ing do it in the first place, shall we?
Not only am I curious how exactly someone who can't do something goes about teaching how to do it:
But I'm also compelled to point out that those who can't do, but teach, have a special name. They're called bad teachers. I think we have learned an important lesson here - that asshole kid in your English class that bothered everyone and hated teachers likes to make up sayings. Now "those who can't teach, teach gym," I still standby. Provided they still want to teach, anyway. ONWARD.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." See this one is just severely annoying because I find myself in a big philosophical debate. I mean, theoretically, you could try to make the horse drink...
But then you're just some insane horse torturer trying to prove a point. You'll probably just end up with a LOT of wasted energy, a drowned horse, and a WHOLE bunch of those angry, tree-hugging animal rights-type people walking around in your front yard with signs and smoking their crazy hippie herbs, and you don't want that. Unless you're a hippie too, then you might, but you would want to make that happen a different way. They get angry when you asphyxiate animals. Especially fluffy bunnies and horses.
ANYWAY, Technically if you drown a horse, you HAVE "made" him drink, but really, horses are very heavy and hard to drag... you don't want to have to deal with that any more than angry hippies. Besides, the horse never drank voluntarily anyway, so we're not entirely certain you did make him drink, strictly speaking, so you might as well just wait until he gets thirsty, what are you, an idiot?
Then there's the ever-popular idea of taking water away from the horse for three days until he's about to die of thirst, at which point you lead him to water, where he drinks and you technically "made" him drink through your roundabout, psychological torture, but would you really want to go that far just to have your little victory over an animal we've been riding for the last millenia? Maybe I just have an aversion to sayings that involve horse torture, but what we arrive at then is that you can lead a horse to water, and you might be able to technically "make" him drink, but that's far more work, and you would get attacked by hippies. Why do you care whether he drinks or not anyway? You lead him to his water and he can drink if he wants to, shit.
Finally, here is where we find, not a problem, but the actual brilliance of the metaphor - "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." the idea is you can try to help a person, but you can't make them do something, right? You can lead them there, but you can't do it for them. Well. Other than comparing your friend to a horse, which might piss them off, our "You can lead a horse to water" saying is actually quite wise. If the horse doesn't drink, you just let him die of thirst because he's a stupid, stupid horse. So what we draw from our saying is if your friends don't want help, don't waste time and energy trying to drown them with your watery advice. If you really care about them, you have to find an equivalent to locking them in a pen with no food and water for three days and then leading them to water, where you "make" them drink, of course, technically, through your round about, psychological torture.
As you can see from exhibit B, large predatory cats are a viable option, but just one of the many ways one can be a true friend. Anyone who has ever dealt with a stubborn friend knows exactly what I'm talking about.
*Wew* ... Philosophy.
To sum up:
Excellent. I am glad we have learned something. Before we end our beloved rant, I think it's worth pointing out that my technique to find more sayings for some in depth analysis of their idiocy level was to google "Wise Sayings." As you can see, I was not disappointed. While clearly this means I need to move these rants to the streets and take up a spot beside the crazy street preachers hailing destruction and Armageddon, on the Internet I can still eat Cheetos while I rant. And I like Cheetos. Especially those red hot ones that look like lava rocks, and make it so you can't rub your eyes for like three days without it feeling like you're weeping fire.
And I know I could eat Cheetos while on the street too... but I don't like to be judged while I eat Cheetos. I go all out. Its embarrassing.
Until next time, good people, your knight of justice bids you farewell.