ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Alien Sex Abductions | How To Avoid The Probe

Updated on December 12, 2009

Icky dead aliens... their probin' days is done...

Aliens apparently abduct us on occasion. This is concerning. What is even more concerning is that during these abductions they have a tendency to 'probe' or as I like to call it, sexually assault us. For some reason, almost 100% of alien sexual assaults go unprosecuted in courts across the world, and those who claim alien abduction are dismissed as crackpots, loons, and drunkards.

We are then, alone against the aliens. It is every man and woman for his or herself. We must be prepared. We must know the enemy, their tactics, we must understand them like we understand ourselves. This is a guide to both aliens, and their probes, and may one day save your intergalactic virtue.

Steps to Alien Evasion:

Keep an eye out for the perpetrator. Aliens are often described as being small and skinny with big head and really big eyes. They generally travel in top of the line, flashy transportation, the sort of thing that really gets the ladies going. If someone who looks like this approaches you, blow your safety whistle and run, run away. Do not be tempted to walk into any mysterious beams of light coming from the sky, and if it travels faster than the speed of light, then don't get into it, no matter how hot you think it is.

Wear your tinfoil hat. Everyone knows that tinfoil keeps you from alien thought control, so always wear it. For extra protection, duct tape it to your head. Tinfoil is effective under hats and wigs, so if you want to maintain an appearance of outward 'normality', then feel free to shave your head, glue tinfoil to it, and wear wigs. This may be what Britney Spears is doing, we just don't know.

Don't go driving alone in the desert. A great deal of alien abductions happen whilst driving in the desert. Aliens seem to be attracted to flying over large areas of wasteland and beaming up unsuspecting people from their cars. If you must drive in the desert, do it during the day, or with a school bus full of screaming children or something like that, historical records indicate that no hordes of screaming children have ever been abducted by aliens.

Check yourself for implants. Health professionals recommend that men self examine their testicles, and that women self examine their breasts. You should always be self examining your entire body for possible alien implants that may act as trackers for the aliens to find you and assault you at will.

If you suspect that you have been taken and probed, you must redouble your efforts. Research indicates that those who have been taken by aliens once have a much higher chance of being taken by aliens repetitively. If you would like to be taken seriously, shave, have a shower, get a haircut, and a real job. Try to keep your statements rational, the wild look out of your eyes, and if you possibly can, get some tangible evidence. Those alien bastards have been getting away with this for far too long. Let's bring them down.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • SweetiePie profile image


      10 years ago from Southern California, USA

      The thing is even if someone is really abducted how are they going to sue the alien?  I do not think these people deserve compensation from the government because aliens abducted them, and the truth is they can do several tabloid interviews and make more than the average person does in the year.  If this really happens to someone I would feel bad they had to go through this experience, but there does come a point where a few people are willing to exploiting their own mishaps to make a buck, and that is just a little greedy.

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      Well, I don't know about the abductions reported. I haven't experienced one. but i do believe that there is life out there in outer space,like us or unlike us. If so they are studying us as we do study mars to find out new life get it/ nothing scary or of armageddonical proportions.

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      I might add, I have a slight lazer scar on # 1 privet. Did anybody have a similar close encounter of this kind, when your PJ's got cut off before probin'?

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      i swer it, this hapopen to me two! I was also use four biologcul and repoduteve experments! The worse part wuz the laasur bem that cut off my PJ's!!!

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      Dude that's awesome! Were the girl aliens hot or what???

    • profile image

      Indigo Girl 

      11 years ago

      aj!u poor thing!r u ok?

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      This is my alien encouter.I don't want to stante my name becase this is privet.I was 16.This is one out of two abdutiones i had.This was my first one. It was about 11o'clock at night, i was just lining down in my bed thinking about my day.When i heard a bussing sound,then a blinding light.Then i saw them, ther not like the things that pepple reported.But my abdutes where about 5Ft. but thay looked just like us, thay had the same hare,eyes,throut,nose,evey thang.but the only thanges diffrent is thay had difrent kind of fingers , thay where longer and didden't have clothes on. Once i saw them I tried to move but i cudn't.It felt like i was perlised head to toe,the only thang i can move is my eyes.after that two more came in, I over herd one ,it said ( that i was a perfet specemen),then thay nauded to agement.the next thang thsy did thay took all the covers off my bed.Then thay put 4 small prisim boxes on the corners of me, then i rose about 2 feet off my bed and started going towards the window, but somehow i went thrue my close window.

      Once i was on bord thay put me in this machen.This machen had some kind of horizonal lazer.Which cut away my PJ's off when it pased over my boody. The next thang i new i was lang down on a cold table.I have been laing for 30 min. whith out them notising the parlisaton went away. When thay came in thay brout some siver cabnents with them, when thay open the cabnets i saw some intements some where vary long neddles, some form of twesers ,scappules,secsers,and alot of tubes. Then i was friton, then I tride to excape.When i seted up thay grabed me and pused me back down on the table.I stugle varey hard to get up agein, but thay where to stroung.So i new it was hopeles so i gave up. then one of them put claof like subdence over and under me, the only thang that was not cover was my face. Then one of them pused a button and some steem came down from the cilling. Then i new that the claof turnd into some form of strong latex over me.It conneted me to the tabble.I was scerming my head off,because it begane to sqsase me for a short while once it stop I had vary little room to move. It feelt like being stuck in concret.The one by my head put some of the extra latex behind my head over my head.It was vary hard to breath therw the material.One of them cut 9 hose in the material, left eye,2. my right eye, left ear, right ear, nose mouth belly button 8.#1 privet 9.#2 privet. When i was yelling the surgen put some kind of black sluge in my mouth then put a meatle mouth peace in my mouth ,then a long metle tube thrue the moute pece and then down my throut. And a lot of tubes going into all the oping in my body, ther must have been 20 tubes goin into me.And a lot of other thangs to perpar me to examen.One of them conneted to my #1 privet which had claws at the end of it. The examation was extemly panful heres what i now what happen ,thay lower this machean from the siling and a 4in.neddle persed my bellbuton, and i was in a lot of pain.After 2 1/2 of having exteming painfuil examanations.Thay parlised me agien and put a light over me and turnd it on all of asodon the latex subdes was backto its ariognal form. Then two of them cared me off to a diferent room.

      The room was brigly lite add it was pure white inside,there was just a small brown mat on the ground, the 2 aliens put me on that mat which it felt like cold wet clay which can stile can be molded ,befor thay left thay gave me a shot whith a surige.I was ther for about ten min, whil in that time it felt like i was skinking in the clay, it felt i sunk 2in.,then about five minets latter two alien female came in and cercle around me for few minets.Then a had a bad thout in my head. That i was going to be used for biologcul and repoduteve experments and I was right.Then thay came on me, for 2 houres i had sexual contact then it was ended.After that all of them came in and cared me off to the expmeal lab agen. Then thay black me out, next thang i new i was in my bed agen.

      no,this is no prank this relly happed. i swer it.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)