Alien Sex Abductions | How To Avoid The Probe
Icky dead aliens... their probin' days is done...
Aliens apparently abduct us on occasion. This is concerning. What is even more concerning is that during these abductions they have a tendency to 'probe' or as I like to call it, sexually assault us. For some reason, almost 100% of alien sexual assaults go unprosecuted in courts across the world, and those who claim alien abduction are dismissed as crackpots, loons, and drunkards.
We are then, alone against the aliens. It is every man and woman for his or herself. We must be prepared. We must know the enemy, their tactics, we must understand them like we understand ourselves. This is a guide to both aliens, and their probes, and may one day save your intergalactic virtue.
Steps to Alien Evasion:
Keep an eye out for the perpetrator. Aliens are often described as being small and skinny with big head and really big eyes. They generally travel in top of the line, flashy transportation, the sort of thing that really gets the ladies going. If someone who looks like this approaches you, blow your safety whistle and run, run away. Do not be tempted to walk into any mysterious beams of light coming from the sky, and if it travels faster than the speed of light, then don't get into it, no matter how hot you think it is.
Wear your tinfoil hat. Everyone knows that tinfoil keeps you from alien thought control, so always wear it. For extra protection, duct tape it to your head. Tinfoil is effective under hats and wigs, so if you want to maintain an appearance of outward 'normality', then feel free to shave your head, glue tinfoil to it, and wear wigs. This may be what Britney Spears is doing, we just don't know.
Don't go driving alone in the desert. A great deal of alien abductions happen whilst driving in the desert. Aliens seem to be attracted to flying over large areas of wasteland and beaming up unsuspecting people from their cars. If you must drive in the desert, do it during the day, or with a school bus full of screaming children or something like that, historical records indicate that no hordes of screaming children have ever been abducted by aliens.
Check yourself for implants. Health professionals recommend that men self examine their testicles, and that women self examine their breasts. You should always be self examining your entire body for possible alien implants that may act as trackers for the aliens to find you and assault you at will.
If you suspect that you have been taken and probed, you must redouble your efforts. Research indicates that those who have been taken by aliens once have a much higher chance of being taken by aliens repetitively. If you would like to be taken seriously, shave, have a shower, get a haircut, and a real job. Try to keep your statements rational, the wild look out of your eyes, and if you possibly can, get some tangible evidence. Those alien bastards have been getting away with this for far too long. Let's bring them down.