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Avoiding Sunburn in Six Easy Steps

Updated on March 21, 2014

Sunburn Epidemic.

The sun, that is at the center of our universe, is a star that gives life to the earth and also possibly to other aliens. The sun is up to snuff when it comes to providing a limitless source of energy similar to the oil star inside the earth. However, even as the sun is mankind's sovereign benefactor, it can also be deadly serious when it comes to being a huge dick.

The sun can be harmful to people in several ways including; dehydration, heat stroke, skin cancer and most importantly, sunburn. Sunburn is makes you look very ugly. Sunburn is the blight of common folk: not you and not me. Hence, I will offer some helpful ideas to avoid this troublesome and heinous epidemic.

Step One: Stay inside, especially during the the early afternoon hours when the sun is most intense. Outdoor activities can be extremely enjoyable but to avoid sunburn, please consider enjoying some fun indoor activities. Acceptable indoor activities include; cocktail parties, a seance, bowling, baking, reading a book and collecting baseball cards.


Step Two: Cover exposed areas of skin. Many effective ways to cover your skin are listed as follows; wear a sturdy set of clothing, acquire a sturdy-set-of-clothes-wearing-back-riding mammal such as a monkey or koala bear, or fashion a sturdy hooded cape from common household items such as monkey and koala bear pelts.


Step Three: Politely ask the sun to direct its rays away from your skin. It is very easy to become angry and elicit an unintentional emotional response to the sun's stimuli. Hey, its not the sun's fault we have evolved such frail and susceptible bodies. Projecting that anger towards the sun, when we should actually blame God, only creates a hurtful and poisonous atmosphere for you and the sun. Remember, a single kind word carries more weight than a volume of angry ones.


Step Four: Move to space. Space is home to many of our greatest friends. E.T. lives in space. Han Solo lives in space. Jabba and Pizza the Hut live in space. Of course, the radiation from the sun can be many times more intense in space. Therefore I call on the ingenuity and creativity of the world's greatest capitalists and state-owned corporations to invent sturdy space clothes. If we want to live in space, we will need sturdy space clothes. Let's come together and invent sturdy space clothes.


Step Five: Nuclear War. The idea of nuclear war generally solicits negative reactions but it can have several potential benefits. For example, the machines will not be able to operate without an energy source as plentiful as the sun. Additionally, have you ever tried to drive home from work heading west only to discover that your windshield is dirty and you are out of windshield washer fluid? Forget about it. And of course, no more sunburn.


Step Six: Call this model or Vladimir Putin. If you call this model or if you call Vladimir Putin, you will most likely not be seeing the sun. Spending time wrapped in animal fur with this model or suffering in a secret Russian jail, your risk for sunburn will be very minimal. Whether you choose to envelop the totality of your senses with the beautiful, sensual, naked, animal fur model or you choose a life of back-breaking and soul crushing hard labor in a Russian gulag murder hole, you will not develop sunburn.


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