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Batman vs. Superman -- as if Written by Tarantino

Updated on March 26, 2016
Batman in Full Regalia But Fully Exposed
Batman in Full Regalia But Fully Exposed

Batman: So you came.

Superman: Yes, Bruce, I came.

Batman: How do you know my name?
Superman: I have x-ray vision.
Batman: You're shitting me.
Superman: No.
Batman: Okay then what color is my underwear?
Superman: Pink.

Superman's Arrival
Superman's Arrival

Batman: Jesus fucking christ. You can see through everything?
Superman: Mostly. I have difficulty seeing through lead.
Batman: Fine, great, the next time we meet I'll be sure to wear my lead underpants.
Superman: That's fine with me, Bruce.
Batman: Just out of curiosity, do you like pink?
Superman: Pink is fine.
Batman: So now we have to beat each other into pulp.
Superman: Must we?
Batman: Yeah, stupid, that's what the script calls for. Didn't you even read the fucking script?
Superman: Actually, I was too busy to do so.
Batman: Oh, oh, you were finding too many cats stuck up in the trees?
Superman: I guess. Something like that.
Batman: And I know who you are, Clark. Did you really think a super-sleuth like myself wouldn't be able to figure out your secret identity?

Superman's Initial Confrontation
Superman's Initial Confrontation

Superman: It would have been better if you hadn't.
Batman: I guess your mom, Martha, knows about the whole secret identity thing, but does Lois?
Superman: Don't talk about my mother or Lois.
Batman: Or what? Are you going to break my neck too?
Superman: You are making me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry."
Batman: There's a Taco Bell just up the street that stays open until midnight.
Superman: Really?
Batman: Would I lie to you?
Superman: Bruce, you know I could knock your head off with a single punch.
Batman: That's why I'm suggesting we just get a few tacos.
Superman: It would be against the script as you pointed out.
Batman: That's true. Another admission -- I don't really like tacos but eating a few seems like a better resolution than ending up headless.
Superman: Okay, I agree. Do you want me to pick you up and fly us there?
Batman: Woh, this is our first date -- so to speak. I think I'd be more comfortable if we drove over in my Batmobile.
Superman: The car is pretty slick.
Batman: The chicks love the car.

Superman with Angry Eyes
Superman with Angry Eyes

Superman: I'm not one of your floozies, Bruce.
Batman: Don't get all Hulk on me. I'm just saying we can ride over and use their drive-through.
Superman: I hadn't thought of that.
Batman: You can see where the Batmobile is parked.
Superman: Yes, illegally in a disabled-only zone.
Batman: Oh, come on. Give me a fucking break."
Superman: Okay, Bruce, but this one time only.
Batman: And you have to take that superior tone with me again. Where is Thor, the Hulk, Mr. Manhattan when they are really needed?
Superman: I don't know those guys.
Batman: Are you fucking kidding me? You work for the Daily Planet and, oh well, forget it.
Superman: Are we going to get the tacos or...?
Batman: Yes, we're going to get the fucking tacos. We're going to drive there in my fucking Batmobile. Everything is cool.
Superman: I'm glad to hear that everything is cool. And Bruce...
Batman: Yeah?
Superman: I wouldn't have decapitated you.
Batman: That's swell, Clark. That's really swell. I'm really overjoyed to hear that. But let me just say that I'm wearing a kryptonite-laced suit, so you would never have been able to do that, okay.
Superman: Kryptonite? What is that? I came from a planet called Krypton.
Batman: And some of your dead planet became this stuff called kryptonite and it would render you powerless. So don't get the fat-headed idea that I'm taking you to Taco Bell because I'm afraid of you.
Superman: You have a much larger head than myself. I mean it's really huge.
Batman: That's because I'm Ben Affleck and I just happen to have a larger than normal head size.
Superman: Your head is really gigantic. I wasn't sure a single punch would even cause you to pivot.
Batman: Okay, enough about the head size shit, okay? Can we just take the elevator down to the ground level, get in my fucking Batmobile and head toward the fucking Taco Bell?

Superman is Unamused by the Batman
Superman is Unamused by the Batman

Superman: Sure, okay, I was only..."
Batman: Quit it.
Superman: Okay. Can I drive?
Batman: No way.
Superman: I knew you would refuse.
Batman: So you can also read minds?
Superman: No.
Batman: Then?
Superman: It's the size of your head...
Batman: I told you not to go there.
Superman: Yes. I just can't...
Batman: Stop. Just stop.
Superman: Okay. Um, do you happen to carry cash or a credit card in that utility belt because my outfit...
Batman: Don't worry about it. I always keep Bruce Wayne's Visa in one pouch.
Superman: I should really consider wearing...
Batman: Don't worry about it. The whole fucking bill will probably be less than ten bucks. I think Wayne Enterprises can absorb the loss better than a brow-beaten reporter for the Metropolitan.
Superman: Now hold on...
Batman: Hold onto what? You make diddly in your secret disguise while I'm a multi-millionaire while you, my young friend are a freaking over-fried Dunkin Donut. Tell me, Clark, who is your daddy?
Superman: (silence)
Batman: C'mon now, who is your daddy?

Wonder Woman to the Rescue
Wonder Woman to the Rescue

Superman: Wait, hold on. Who is that luscious creature down on the street?

Batman: I've never seen her before, but yeah, she's hot. She also seems to be fighting some kind of demonic being.

Superman: This couldn't get any better.

Batman: Wait a minute, my taco-starved pal. Just because you saw her first with your super-peepers...

Superman: She's having to fight that devilish thing.

Batman: Okay, we assist the lady in distress but don't forget about Lois.

Superman: Lois, what?

Batman: You are committed, man. You have a love thing going on with Lois Lane who brought you into the Daily Planet. And I'm a bachelor and playboy, so don't crowd me, okay.

Superman: Lois, what?

Batman: You know, the love of your life.

Superman: Lois. Oh, yeah, Lois.

Batman: So, I think that Bruce Wayne, multi-millionaire has an edge over a donut-dunker at the Daily Planet -- especially one who likes to get involved with office employees.

Superman: Uhh...

Batman: Watch and learn buddy. If things go as I anticipate maybe we can postpone the whole Taco Bell experience.

Superman: Uhh.

Batman: Stick around. This astonishing presentment of womankind and I may need an assist from a super-dude such as yourself, so do us both a favor and stay on the rooftops.


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    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Interesting and quite funny dialogue RJ. I loved the "big head" reference and have always been a fan of both Superman and Batman, so this was enjoyable. Cheers.