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Beer Criticism Behind America's Problems and War Debacle

Updated on October 28, 2008

Out of the Gate

My favorite beer is Coors Light.

If you rolled your eyes at that statement, you are part of the problem I am about to address.

I don't know what the hell happened to beer drinkers over the last ten years, but, whatever it was, they became snobby bastards like wine drinkers. My point in this hub is not to prove that Coors Light is better than some other beer. In fact, it's not. Coors Light is not better than any other beer. Nor is it worse. Coors Light is just beer. A beer. Period. The problem is the question of "better" and "worse." It's the critique of beer that undermines this great nation and, dare I say, even our national security. Heck, the word "critique" is not even American.

Chicks and beer.  I mean, there just really isn't anything better, especially when they become one.
Chicks and beer. I mean, there just really isn't anything better, especially when they become one.

The Problem

The problem is that beer is a guy drink. Like, a manly guy. Like swearing and wiping snot off your nose with the back of your arm kind of thing. Now listen, don't get me wrong: I have a few gay friends who I enjoy the crap out of and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chicks. Gay guys and chicks are so in tune with aesthetics and taste and style, they rule. They understand nuance and subtlety and artsy stuff. They like to critique stuff. Heck, I'm an artist, even I get that critique matters in some things. But, beer isn't art. Beer is beer. It's like it has its own dimension. Beer means something to humanity that is in one way beneath art, but in this amazing paradox, above art too. Beer is not subject to critique, and it damn sure does not require an "educated palate" or "sophisticated taste" to drink it -- to make beer, sure; but to drink it? Never. The very suggestion undermines the entire point of beer.

How does this happen?

Who the hell started that crap anyway?

Look, if you like Guinness or other dark beers... that's awesome.

If you like wheat beers or ones with fruit in them... well, ok, that's almost like being a chick or a wine drinker, but, you know what... that's awesome too. Do your thing.

But since when did beer drinkers start wrinkling up their noses at fellow beer drinkers?

I thought the whole point of drinking beer was to, well, drink beer. Aren't there enough other people judging us for other crap?

What the hell is up with looking down the bar and going all "fashion-sense" on what some other dude has in his mug? I mean, if we as men are going to start judging each other for what beer we drink... I mean, my God, you do realize the slippery slope that is, right? We start out nit-picking beer choices, then we start critiquing clothing... next thing you know heterosexual marriage really will be in danger. Think about it:

"Dude, you're drinking Coors Light? That's such a shitty beer."

"Uh, well you're drinking Guinness that tastes like burnt motor oil."

"Oh yeah, well your t-shirt has a tear under your armpit."

"Oh yeah, well you're haircut is so last year."

"Oh yeah, I saw you making kissy noises at your wife's Chihuahua."

Next thing you know all our men become fashion designers, nobody joins the army and in a decade or two we're all speaking Chinese or Russian or some Shiite or Sunni dialect.

Who do you want defending you?

These guys?
These guys?
Or this guy?
Or this guy?
I'm thinking this dude is a better choice.
I'm thinking this dude is a better choice.
Yes, this guy represents me.
Yes, this guy represents me.
There are so few things in life more joyous to see than chicks drinking beer.
There are so few things in life more joyous to see than chicks drinking beer.

The Bottom Line

The whole point of beer was to bring people together. The noise of politics and chick-blah-blah is trying to interfere with the perfect camaraderie that all beer drinkers used to share (chicks who drink beer get a pass from "chick blah-blah" for this discussion). I mean come on, ten years ago or anytime further in the past, a guy walks into another guy's apartment and the resident says, "Dude, you want a beer?" The answer is, "Yep." And that's it. Everyone is happy. It doesn't matter if he tosses his guest a Milwaukee's Best or an exotic wheat... it was a beer. Now days, somehow ballerina-beer-terrorists have messed us up. People exist now who will actually come into your house, you toss them a Bud Light or a Coors Light or a Miller LITE and they will actually say, "This all you got?"

Can you believe it?

No wonder the world hates us and our banks are collapsing.

Fix it.

There is no tradition more sacred to American men that beer. The fact that foreigners have managed to turn us upon each other is only proof that they conspire against us. Stop judging. Stop crunching up your face. It's not about Bud vs. Coors, or Heineken vs. Corona. It's about beer drinkers vs. everyone else. If call yourself a "beer drinker" and yet you can't drink a Coors Light, you are what's wrong with America. You don't have to like it, like, as in your favorite beer, but think about it... if you can't drink a beer with gusto and gratitude, what are you, man? You should probably switch to wine and move to France. We don't need you here.

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    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California

      I bet passing the bottle hurts worse than a kidney stone, but I admire your dedication.

    • profile image

      Rick Morris 4 years ago

      I can drink a Trappist Tripel and piss a Coors Light.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Hi NF. I am happy to know I have annoyed you. As a writer, particularly one who enjoys humor (which I'm thinking you are unfamiliar with), few things are as rewarding as knowing that some pithy little bit of satire is taken seriously and sets to spasming the colon of some tightly-wound such-and-such as you may be. And for that very joy, I will grant you the position of winner in our little exchange just so that you may know the joy of victory! Congratulations, you win the Internet!

    • profile image

      NF 6 years ago

      Below art and "paradoxically above art," beer is its own dimension, no tradition more sacred to american men than beer, going all "fashion-sense," whine whine whine. I've read a lot of annoying writers but you are one of the most whiniest posturing annoying writers I have ever read. "Look at me, I like light beer, and because its beer I'm manly, because drinking beer is manly, so people shouldn't say bad things about light beer, and foreigners trying to sell beer are ruining America by encouraging people to drink better beer, and I'm manly because I drink beer."

      Also, light beer is beer for people who don't like beer. If I'm wrong, why don't you drink regular Coors?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      I be Heineken there doesn't taste ANYTHING like it does here.

      Thanks for reading, and for not breathing on me :)

    • Malcolm_Cox profile image

      Malcolm_Cox 6 years ago from Newcastle, England

      Chicks shouldn't drink beer, they should serve it!!! only joking! I'm from a country that's been drinking beer for 1500 years....we all have beer bellies and bad breath! I love a nice pint of Heineken. We drink our beer by the pint here in the UK!

      Love this hub!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Hmmm, there's a lesson in there somewhere. Beyond that, thanks for sharing, Joe. I'll remember to duck if ever I'm in Oz. And I had no idea I was a metrosexual in denial. Frankly, I was really upset when you said that, and now my mascara is running.

    • profile image

      Joe 7 years ago

      OMFG are you all stupid cos you're American or something?

      I'm from Oz and if someone chucks you a LIGHT beer, you throw it at his/her head. Its not the brand of beer that us Aussies care about, its the fact that its a LIGHT beer designed for metrosexuals in denial. If anyone has gotten drunk in an Aussie bar would know that we don't care what we're drinking, as long as there is something to drink!!!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Your country is proud of you, Tari. Not to mention you fall into that delightful category of chicks drinking beer. I salute you!

    • Tari profile image

      Tari 8 years ago from New Zealand

      so.. i just read this.. im not a beer snob.. i know what i like.. and what i don't.. if its cold.. on a hot summers day.. its the best beer in the world.. nuff said.. lol

      burp..

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Misty, I think it depends where you are. I've noticed sirens sound different in different parts of the world.

      Chris: /cheers

    • Chris Baker profile image

      Chris Baker 8 years ago

      Cheers. Prosit. Schol

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Thank you Chris - back late - my point entirely as it was indeed Talulah Bankhead who said, "I never drink water...fish f*** in it, you know." cheers.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      'neener neener' sounds like a Police Car siren to me, or is that more a 'neenaw neenaw' noise??

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      I never judged anyone for drinking beer, just so long as people leave me alone about liking veggies and preferring a soda over liquor. Brilliant hub once again. I to have noticed there now seem to be beer connoisseurs, but I thought it was just beer.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Oh!  Well in that case...thank you for caring so much!

      That celebrity stuff reminded me though...wasn't there a thing where celebrities were having soap made out of their own liposuctioned fat?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Y'all have been as busy as a couple of beer-soaked beavers. For the record, it was Talulah Bankhead who said, "I never drink water...fish f*** in it, you know."

      I like the idea of Kiera Knightly Beer. They couldn't use soap or cleaning stuff is all. Just water - oh hell, make it rocky mountain spring water - and I think you've got a winner! I used to work in a place as a MC that occasionally had hawt chicks jello wrestling. After the wrestling, the jello was kind of liquified, you know? I would dare guys, and sell them shots of the stuff for a buck. It's amazing what you can get a room full of drunk guys - testosterone oozing from their pores - to do.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Yeah, but the bag said they were good for your teeth. I was showing my concern for proper oral hygiene.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      What?! Will all the comments made on this particular hub I get rousted for doing one little (well deserved I might add) neener-neener? *rolls my eyes*

      I want good cookies this time. Those ones with the "milk bone" imprint on them that you gave me last time were a tad dry.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      You got me there, Shadesbreath *lol*

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Pat, if you're referring to Spryte's neener neener up there a few comments back, Spryte is a habitual neener-neener type person. She actually doesn't even mean to, the neener-neeners just come out; it's like Tourette Syndrome except with childish behavoir rather than profane. We just give her cookies and she's fine.

    • Pat Merewether profile image

      Pat Merewether 8 years ago from Michigan

      The ad industry has turned everyting into a marketing strategy and a lot of folks are dumb enough to fall for it. bahhhhh.

      Going out for a beer or two is a social activity - not a neener-neener event. lord.

      good hub.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Yeah, but having sex with English girls in canoes has to be worth it with all that hawt accent thing going on. You just have to learn how to tweak your perspective, Ananta. :)

      Oh, and Misty and Agvulpes, fish poop in water, I believe that's the point. So if your beer is made from seawater or aquarium water, be afraid. However, the bathing thing does bring up a whole new marketing idea. What if they saved bathwater from hawt chick celebrities and made beer. You know how Coors Light is the water taken from the virgin snows upon the lofty peaks of the Rockies... how about Keira Knightley beer or Rebecca Romijn Light?

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      I've said it once and I'll say it again: English beer is like having sex in a canoo *lol*

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

      Hey Eaglekiwi

      If you've been served warm beer in London, you're drinking in the wrong pubs. Catch a train to the coast. They certainly don't serve warm beer in Sussex, or at least not in any pub I've been to!

    • Eaglekiwi profile image

      Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

      am wondering why in London they serve the beer warm?

      what's that about?

      Heard they served a chocolate beer too but sadly haven't tried it yet.

      and hamburgers well ya gotta have healthy cows right?

      prime beef an all that...

      happy cows make happy burgers...grills n frills thrown in for extra measure.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      There’s nothing patriotic about that, Eaglekiwi. It’s like with hamburgers. We don’t pretend to make a better hamburger than the Americans do. We’re fully aware that the art of making a hamburger has been perfected in the new world. Our cuisine has developed into a different direction. We acknowledge that. And with American beer, it’s sort of the same. As Shakespeare wrote (King Henry IV, Part II): “I do now remember the poor creature, small beer”

      Mind you, I’ll never criticize a guy’s choice of beer. If I’m offered one I’ll gladly join him in drinking it without complaining. Like Jesus, I’ll accept it and just think: “forgive them father, for they don’t know what they’re drinking”. Unless – of course – when it’s a light beer (as brewed in the Netherlands). A man might just as well drink water in that case.

    • best of the web profile image

      best of the web 8 years ago from US

      :) Thank you for the add :)

    • Eaglekiwi profile image

      Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

      waits for a pause in the testosrone levels ....takes a deep breath and blurts...

      In the USA "Light" in their beers means less calories but not alcohol ,however here

      in New Zealand "Light " refers to lower alcohol content and calories.....

      perhaps the breweries all have slightly different guidelines in various countries...

      ok guys im off to paint my nails......( yea right )....

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Don't fish swim in water? It doesn't seem to hurt them!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      after all we all know what fish do in water - you wouldn't really want to drink the stuff!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Ahhhh, the stuff we bath in! That is fine, so long as I don't have to drink it :) (Rose petals and milk sound quite good though)

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      misty, you don't bath or shower, or do you use something like milk or rose petals?

      I'm only guessing but I would say when we drink beer or spirits(by the time we get them) there is probably more water in them than anything else!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Water!!! What's that???

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Shade - Well I did say "almost"... :)

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Jeez guys I'm with Shades here. I'll just drink whatever f...... beer I feel like at the time. If I'm driving I drink light (tends to bloat you a bit) but if I'm not driving I drink Victoria Bitter! Shit I'll even drink water if I'm thirsty!

    • Len Cannon profile image

      Len Cannon 8 years ago from Brooklyn, NY

      I'll take guy number two protecting me, he seems like he could throw a punch.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Will look forward to reading that hub shortly mellow sixtyorso :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Glad to have you Eaglekiwi. I can tell you right now, if you are looking for information, you won't find any on my hubs. Well, not very often. If you do find some, it was an accident and I'd take it back if I could figure out how. Since you had the good taste to marry an American (plus the fact you appear to be a chick) you get to have whatever opinion you like. It's only people like Ananta whose opinions are evil... but, he's not an American, so technically, he can't really be what's wrong with America, so, even his opinion is ok. We expect Europeans to be kind of fru-fru and in need of putting on airs. We like that about them, really, gives us something to snicker at over the beer of our choice.

      And Sixty, I can't wait to read your inebriated hub. I hope you swear and rant and stuff like I do when I write hubs in that condition.

      And Spryte... forgiveness? You? Say it's not true!

      /ducks

    • Eaglekiwi profile image

      Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

      ......Roflmao.......been so long since I typed that abbrev....and let me add I am not laughing at you!! ,more amused at the passion this topic has created.

      now for what its worth ( dont you dare answer that ) /jk......

      If Im gonna drink Id probably choose wine or a beer that is sweet like Bud...( wow Im not even American either ) hehe......actually some of the newer fruity beers are great on a hot sunny day ( like now )....but I wanted to add here Im married to an American who loves his beer ,actually pretty much anything with alcohol in it and he seemed to be dictated to by price and alcohol content when push came to shove.......my brother on the other hand thinks that most beer made in the U.S.A is crap ,prefering real ( his words) made in Germany or Holland......

      Im thinking its maybe more of a Patrioctic choice for guys ,just my opinion.....and loved reading your hub....( im a newbie and boy theres so much info out there !) woohooo.......

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Awww...you are so adorable all mellow like this Sixty. I'm almost willing to forgive the potato peeler suggestion...almost.

      :)

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      It is now 6:30pm. I am on my fourth draft after a great lunch and a wine tasting. we did all the flavours of melon, touch of spice, a hint of butterscotch, bullshit. It appears that I have an extremely discerning palate and ordered a draft beer eventually because I was thirsty. I am reasonably mellow. Some of you may interpret that a pissed (not mad USA style) but as Misty will confirm, pleasantly and mildly pickled. I am with you all perhaps a bit ahead of you all that I dearly love and respect. I actually published my christmas hub which might be a touch whimsical, little maudlin, but an accurate reffelection of how I feel right now.

      So read enjoy or slate as your pleasure dictates.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shades, I did have fun, glad i could get back here and see the clash of cultures and beer.

      Christoph, sad I missed you.

      Sixty, I wish our time zones were the same and you could be on here with us at the same time.

      I'm just commenting back to people like it is my own hub and it is my job. LOL.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      My dear Shadesbreath…

      You are aware of the flaws in your analogy, I presume? It is accurate, that is true. If you walk into a stable when you want to get to Santa Fe, you’re obviously in the wrong spot. Just like you’re in the wrong spot when you walk into a bar looking for a light beer. I’d gladly invite you to come to the main land, the land where the roots of both our current beers and the United States are. Come to Europe (UK included) and find a bar where they actually serve beer light. I dare you. :P

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Gwendy, I see you did your Scwantz research, I hope you had fun.  LOL

      Sixty, I hear you man.  The up side is, with this crew, at least there's someone around most of the time somewhere to amuse us.  And you need to do something about that no tequila or gin or frosty thing.  That might be why you're not up late enough to find everyone. 

      Christoph, give it up.  Poor Ananta has been completely consumed by the idea he's been spoon fed that somehow your beer choice is a reflection of who you are today, and quite outside of the fact that he is the very person pointing out how ancient and, dare I say, essential beer is to humanity as a tradition.  I would redress the orgy analogy with a more accurate one:  Walking into a bar and asking for a light beer is like walking into an airport rather than a stable looking for a ride to Santa Fe.

      :P @ Ananta :)

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      Christoph Reilly  says:

      “But that is what you are doing, because it is fashionable to treat a lite beer with contempt. You cannot think for yourself. You drink what the advertizers tell you to drink, no doubt.”

      Think again, Christoph :) I’ve tried the light beers available here. Once. They can’t be referred to as beer. It’s as simple as that. If I were subject to advertisers try to condition me to drink, I’d be drinking Heineken probably. Fact is that I don’t. I drink the beer that I like, which is either Amstel, Grolsch or Hertog Jan.

      And you can drink any brand you like too, I’m fine with that. Just don’t drink light. Either you drink beer, or you don’t.

      Beer is one of the world's oldest beverages, possibly dating back to the 6th millennium BC. Now when do you think the “light” variety came into existence? And what do you think this ‘light’ variety is? I’ll tell you: it’s a process of REDUCTION. Traditionally beer is produced by first mashing (for 1-2 hours), then washing (sparging or pautering) the mash to produce wort. The wort is then boiled, hops are added and then cooled. Finally yeast is added and after one or two fermentations the beer is ready to be bottled. This is in short the way to produce a genuine, tasty beer. To come to the light beer, there are reductions (of alcohol and/or carbohydrate). In other words: a perfect product is REDUCED.

      Walking into a bar and asking for a light beer is like joining an orgy and keeping your pants on.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      In my version, the punch line is, "just enough to win." Ha!

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      So there’s this scientist who’s heard rumors about the Longschwanztribe, living in the jungle of Venezuela. He takes off and starts searching. After three days of wandering through the dense jungle, he meets a woman and asks her about the tribe. The woman first giggles and then points him into a direction. Following her directions, the scientist reaches a small river. Several men are standing in the river, the water up to their bellies, so he’s still unable to see where they got the name of their tribe. So he beckons one of them out of the water. The man walks to the bank of the river, takes his schwanz and tosses it twice around his waist, then around his neck and a third time around his waist, before tying a knot. The scientist can’t help himself and laughs in embarrassment. Now the Indian gets annoyed and says: “what are you laughing about? In this cold water yours would shrink too!”

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ananta: Apparantly, the difference in the alcohol content between regular and lite beers is much more severe in non-American beers, about half as much in lite. The difference in the states is negligible at best. A small sample

      Bud 4.9%

      Bud lite 4.2%

      Miller 4.6

      Miller Lite 4.2

      Coors 5.0

      Coors lite 4.2

      Funny you would say "real men don't allow themselves to be limited by fashionable bullsh*t." But that is what you are doing, because it is fashionable to treat a lite beer with contempt. You cannot think for yourself. You drink what the advertizers tell you to drink, no doubt. The point of this hub is that you should drink whatever kind of beer you want to drink, but you seem to think that it's not OK to drink a beer because you like it. Instead, everyone has to drink what you - Ananta - likes (which is what the advertizers have conditioned you to drink).

      Just an observation.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Shades So now you know what it feels like. Then you spend time reading all the comments (not just the last one or two) and then try to think of an appropriate comment. You are bright eyed and bushy tailed no drugs(sleeping pills) tequila gin or fourth Frosties talikng to the empty ether and hoping someone actually reads your comment before the thread turns and they are all (the girls and Christophe that is ) start talking about peckers (not the wood kind either) and other hubs and comments that you just havent't got to yet!

      Well Hi Ho Silver I 'm off hunting hubs that have run wild in my absence. No wonder I have not even written my Hubmob piece yet this week.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      Ever since the beginning of times man has brewed beer. It is produced by the brewing and fermentation of starches, mainly derived from cereals—the most common of which is malted barley, although wheat, corn, and rice are also widely used. Light beer refers to beer which is reduced in alcohol content, or in calories, compared to "regular" beers. Light beers may be chosen by beer drinkers who wish to manage their alcohol consumption or their calorie intake; however, they are sometimes criticized for being less flavorful than full-strength beers, being (in perception or in fact) "watered down".

      And from light beer things can only go downwards: near beer was originally a term for malt beverages containing little or no alcohol (less than one half of one percent by volume), which were mass-marketed during Prohibition in the United States.

      As anyone can see the light and near beers are produced by modifying the original, natural brewing process. Where real beer is brewed with the intention to produce the best beer possible, light beer is brewed with the intention to REDUCE. It’s not the alcohol percentage as such that is the denominator, although I understand your misunderstanding the issue, Shadesbreath. Light beer does contain less alcohol, so your derivation is understandable. However, it’s the INTENTION that is wrong with light beer.

      Light beer is produced within limitations: alcohol percentage and/or calories. And so the brewer tries to produce the best taste possible WITHIN THOSE LIMITATIONS. Whereas real, true beer is brewed with the sole intention to make it the best beer available. Real men don’t allow themselves to be limited by fashionable bullsh*t.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I was out too, and get back just as everyone is leaving.

      "Willie the one-eyed wonder worm."

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      G'Night

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      It goes 1 suit, 2 suits, 4 suits...I'm at 2. And if you have to be reminded about target areas...I can't help you :P

      I'm off to bed now...n'nite!

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Is that 4 suits?

      Hmmm..... hsmm, and what may I ask would you call its target area?

      maybe I shouldn't be asking.

      Oh yea we are supposed to be talking beer, how boring!

    • Paraglider profile image

      Dave McClure 8 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

      Good morning all - glad to see nothing's been resolved while I've been sleeping. Ananta - Amstel Light in the middle east is also 5%. For some reason, there's a law here that draught beer should all be 5%. So, it's a special version of heavy light.

      In Scotland, where we do everything properly, Light beer is Dark, ok? It's not the colour of Guinness, but more like coke coloured. The two standaerd generics are Light and Heavy. Light is dark and Heavy is light. Simple really.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Ok guys, I have got to get going, I'm am not sure how I am still awake. My eyes are getting watery and I am yawning constantly. So good night to you all, sorry I missed out but I will try again tomorrow. Sweet dreams to you all!!!

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Damn it, I did forget that Spryte, Thanks, now we may have the complete list here.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Level 2 of 3. One is dull and 3 requires more thought than I have at the moment. You forgot "heat seaking moisture missile."

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Dip stick, dick, Phil, piston, shaft, one eyed monster, and fred. Just in case you need a new name for your Schwantz.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Oh Gwendy you left poor Dick out he will be so offended.

      spryte which level Spider?

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      here are some for you Shades, schlong, peter, johnson, tool, weiner, weenie, rocket, trouser snake, dong, ding dong, peen, peenie, ween, joystick, love muscle, member, skin flute, pecker, package, prick, and willy.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Spider solitaire. The computer is cheating again...

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      yes we do Shades, My son hogs the computer and I never get to be on here in the evenings until late and then I seem to have missed it all, and am all drugged up (sleeping pills) and have a hard time keeping up with what's going on. Someday though Shades, we will get back in the loop.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      So which Solitaire are you playing. I like a few hands of that before I hit the sack + a nice cryptic cross word?

      Sorry Gwendy Ozzie rhyming slang again. Porky Pie=Lie.

      Shades how on earth would you get Excalibur out of the rock it was originally stuck in I'm sure poor Arthur would not help you out there. No siree?

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I love the quiet...nobody jabbering in my ear, I control all the input and right now it's you guys and a darn good game of spider solitaire (which I've used to train my brain to shut off and fall immediately into a comatose state no matter how much caffeine I've consumed)...

      You sure you want it called Excalibur? That could be dangerous. You might be standing around in the middle of a medieval town and for no reason at all some kid named Arthur comes along, rips it off and runs off with it...waving it around in the air and calling himself the king of England or something...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Damn, I missed a whole evening of Schwantz jokes. :( I have this project that's taking all my damn time except for rare moments. And, for the record, Schwantz isn't really new. And I think Excaliber would be a good name for a schwantz, if someone was into that sort of thing. But, just speculation.

      I guess I'll catch up to you guys again one of these nights (we keep missing the prime time show, eh Gwendy?)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Told me a porky huh, I've never heard that one before. I guess I could turn it off, and I might survive the quiet, maybe.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Someones told you a porky about the TV. Depending which set you have when it is up and running, they do consume more power than when they are on standby.

      Think like its having on the biggest light bulb turned on all the time! and then some!

       

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      uh no. I have the lights on and TV going in the background at all times. I know I know, wasting electricity, but it's dark and I need the lights because there is no telling what I could come up with in the dark and nobody wants to read that crap and the tv, as I hear it, uses no more electricity on or off unless it is unplugged. I am so used to having noise that the quiet drives me crazy. I need noise. Oh and the coffee thing, I drink two cups in the morning and that's it, I would be up for two days if I had coffee before bed, I already have enough sleeping problems as it is and don't need to make them worse.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Does that help with inspiration or are you just too tired to get up and turn the light on?

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      What? You don't sit in the dark at your computer?

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      That's not good. I don't know why Spryte would be sitting in the dark drinking coffee.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      So you haven't been doing much then! Ive been busy too I took out the rubbish bins!

      Now why would spryte be sitting in the dark drinking coffee .

      Shit. where getting a thunderstorm attack!

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Ag, Well my husband returned from his hunting trip Friday and my daughter came home from college the same day, Saturday I was at an antique/farm auction and doing a little shopping, Sunday I was baking cakes and decorating them, Monday I had kids to watch and Cake class in the evenings. Didn't do anything Tuesday except for catching up on house cleaning that I neglected over the past few days, and Today Kids as usual and published a new hub and watched a movie. That's it.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I'm sitting here in the dark with a cup of coffee...thinking about raiding the Halloween candy (again). Whassup with all of you?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Misty had to go to bed (party pooper)

      Gwendy where you bin (without wishing to pry of course) .

      Iv'e been looking after the grandkids. (that's my story and I'm sticking to It)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Hi Ag, Hi Spryte, Hi Christoph, Hi Misty, Hi everyone else. I have missed you all so very very much.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Well from memory it went something like this.

      If a private happens to call his rifle a "gun" He was marched around the parade ground with the chant " This is my rifle" holding said weapon above his head followed by "This is my gun" assuming the famous Michael Jackson stance. Then finish by "This is for shooting" same with rifle above head then "This is for fun" .Michael Jackson stance again.  Needless to say you learned very quickly which was your rifle or gun?????. Fortunately I could always remember the difference.

      Hi Gwendy

      Hi Spryte

      Lets party! wusup

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Nah...I don't think so. We're all equally confused :)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Am I missing the party?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I don't know what they say in the army. What?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Hey Chris you know what they say in the army , "This is my rifle, this is my gun, etc etc.. Does that apply to 6 shooters as well?

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Excellent joke, and I have heard it, but it certainly still makes me laugh.

      Must go to bed now as it is nearly 04.00am and I promised errant hubby I would not be too late to bed!!! Wish I could stay longer, but you know how these timezones get in the way!

      Catch up tomorrow, (or later today I should say) :)

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Spryte, sort of like a balloon when you blow it up right?

      Anyone seen our host or have they taken him away?

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Well I can tell that one here...hub censors come and get me!!!

      Okay so these two men are at the urinal, a white guy and a black guy. So the white guy leans over and checks out the other dude's equipment. He's sort of curious you know...wondering if that stereotype about black men having bigger...schwantzes...is true or not.

      Oddly enough, he finds that he and the other gentlemen actually have something in common with each other and feeling rather a bonding moment, the white guy points at the black guy's equipment and says, "Hey! How cool is that...I had my girlfriend's name tattooed on my uh...schwantz too! Your girlfriend even has the same name as MINE! Wendy, right?"

      The black guy looks at the white guy, thinking perhaps he's run into a severe mental case or pervert. "What you talkin' bout, mon?" he says in his lilting island accent. "This say...Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day."

      :) Home I didn't screw that up...I'm a little baked at the moment

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      We want the wendy joke!! please spryte!!!!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Ag has kindly emailed me the joke, brilliant and very funny, and also new to me :)

      OMG, what is the 'Wendy One?'

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *snorts laughing and falls over*

      I'm over reading Sally's magnificent hub on gastronomical uh...molecular!  that's it and you are all having fun here?  :) 

      I know the cold and deep joke :)  Does everyone know the "Wendy" one? 

      And now I know why Shadesbreath would call his one eyed wonder worm ...Schwantz.  I forgot that he had two teenaged sons, so of course he'd be up on the cool talk.

      I used to retaliate whenever a man annoyed me by using my favorite comparison, "hung like a hamster."

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Didn't mean to offend you Christoph, just my warped sense of humour as usual!!

      Love the idea of you in a dressing room stating your quote as above though :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ag: You have multiple posts because your multiple personalities are doing it when you are not looking. That's a funny joke! I mean the cold water one.

      Misty: The joke has many variations. I wonder what version you'll get. Now, that's funny, that after first ignoring my statement, you now quote it. Which is it going to be? Only once did I use the "Hi yo, Silver" sentence, exactly as I quoted it above. I was wearing the coat and the hat in my avatar. I was also wearing a Lone Ranger mask and carriying a toy six-shooter. It was not in the bedroom but in the women's dressing room of a theatre. It brought the dressing room down, and I made a lot of new friends and got a couple of dates, during which they had occasion to quote another great film by saying, "It's twoo, it's twoo...!"

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Can someone tell me why I'm getting multi posts, I only pushed the button once?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Ok hang on ag to the rescue of a racing mind!

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Ok hang on ag to the rescue of a racing mind!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Now my mind is racing. Can someone please email this joke to me please??

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Misty I think its a borderline joke and not quite sure if it would pass the Hub Police so as this is not my Hub, I'll wait for Shades, he probably knows it anyway.

      btw you already know the punchline!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      LOL, so long as Christoph doesn't end up being 'Quick Silver' as that would be really disappointing!

      Now Agvulpes, what is this joke about the water? I don't think I know it?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Misty just reminded me of the old joke about " the water being cold" and "deep"?

      and Misty I'm talking about nicknames. You know, built like a "horse" or "little horse" as the case may be???

      Yeah I'm with Christoph we guys just don't talk about these "things"Although knowing Chris's pet name I might have to consider a name change for myself.LOL!

      Chris Iv'e been on Grandkid Patrol!