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Beer Criticism Behind America's Problems and War Debacle
Out of the Gate
My favorite beer is Coors Light.
If you rolled your eyes at that statement, you are part of the problem I am about to address.
I don't know what the hell happened to beer drinkers over the last ten years, but, whatever it was, they became snobby bastards like wine drinkers. My point in this hub is not to prove that Coors Light is better than some other beer. In fact, it's not. Coors Light is not better than any other beer. Nor is it worse. Coors Light is just beer. A beer. Period. The problem is the question of "better" and "worse." It's the critique of beer that undermines this great nation and, dare I say, even our national security. Heck, the word "critique" is not even American.
The problem is that beer is a guy drink. Like, a manly guy. Like swearing and wiping snot off your nose with the back of your arm kind of thing. Now listen, don't get me wrong: I have a few gay friends who I enjoy the crap out of and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chicks. Gay guys and chicks are so in tune with aesthetics and taste and style, they rule. They understand nuance and subtlety and artsy stuff. They like to critique stuff. Heck, I'm an artist, even I get that critique matters in some things. But, beer isn't art. Beer is beer. It's like it has its own dimension. Beer means something to humanity that is in one way beneath art, but in this amazing paradox, above art too. Beer is not subject to critique, and it damn sure does not require an "educated palate" or "sophisticated taste" to drink it -- to make beer, sure; but to drink it? Never. The very suggestion undermines the entire point of beer.
How does this happen?
Who the hell started that crap anyway?
Look, if you like Guinness or other dark beers... that's awesome.
If you like wheat beers or ones with fruit in them... well, ok, that's almost like being a chick or a wine drinker, but, you know what... that's awesome too. Do your thing.
But since when did beer drinkers start wrinkling up their noses at fellow beer drinkers?
I thought the whole point of drinking beer was to, well, drink beer. Aren't there enough other people judging us for other crap?
What the hell is up with looking down the bar and going all "fashion-sense" on what some other dude has in his mug? I mean, if we as men are going to start judging each other for what beer we drink... I mean, my God, you do realize the slippery slope that is, right? We start out nit-picking beer choices, then we start critiquing clothing... next thing you know heterosexual marriage really will be in danger. Think about it:
"Dude, you're drinking Coors Light? That's such a shitty beer."
"Uh, well you're drinking Guinness that tastes like burnt motor oil."
"Oh yeah, well your t-shirt has a tear under your armpit."
"Oh yeah, well you're haircut is so last year."
"Oh yeah, I saw you making kissy noises at your wife's Chihuahua."
Next thing you know all our men become fashion designers, nobody joins the army and in a decade or two we're all speaking Chinese or Russian or some Shiite or Sunni dialect.
Who do you want defending you?
The Bottom Line
The whole point of beer was to bring people together. The noise of politics and chick-blah-blah is trying to interfere with the perfect camaraderie that all beer drinkers used to share (chicks who drink beer get a pass from "chick blah-blah" for this discussion). I mean come on, ten years ago or anytime further in the past, a guy walks into another guy's apartment and the resident says, "Dude, you want a beer?" The answer is, "Yep." And that's it. Everyone is happy. It doesn't matter if he tosses his guest a Milwaukee's Best or an exotic wheat... it was a beer. Now days, somehow ballerina-beer-terrorists have messed us up. People exist now who will actually come into your house, you toss them a Bud Light or a Coors Light or a Miller LITE and they will actually say, "This all you got?"
Can you believe it?
No wonder the world hates us and our banks are collapsing.
There is no tradition more sacred to American men that beer. The fact that foreigners have managed to turn us upon each other is only proof that they conspire against us. Stop judging. Stop crunching up your face. It's not about Bud vs. Coors, or Heineken vs. Corona. It's about beer drinkers vs. everyone else. If call yourself a "beer drinker" and yet you can't drink a Coors Light, you are what's wrong with America. You don't have to like it, like, as in your favorite beer, but think about it... if you can't drink a beer with gusto and gratitude, what are you, man? You should probably switch to wine and move to France. We don't need you here.