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Breaking Dawn Part 1 is pretty much exactly what you would expect it to be

Updated on May 30, 2012

If ever there was a movie that was completely pointless to review, Breaking Dawn - Part 1 could probably tell you what it is. The fact of the matter is that everybody should already pretty much know whether they're going to see it or not.

If you haven't seen any of the previous movies, I'll give you a hint: You've already decided never to see this one either. But if you've seen all the "Twilight" movies that came before—unless you're one of those boyfriends who went along simply to avoid an argument—you probably already care enough about these characters (for whatever reason) to want to see it through to the end.

Now, first off, full disclosure: I'm a single, adult, heterosexual male and yes, I have enjoyed the Twilight movies to varrying degrees. (I'm accepting applications for the role of girlfriend right now, all you interested ladies.) But I also strongly endorse the RiffTrax that have been made that make fun of the obvious ridiculousness of the movies.

Also, I don't take issue with Stephenie Meyer's version of vampires. The Vampire legend has changed so many times over the years. Did you know that Dracula himself (the prototypical vampire) walked around freely in sunlight and didn't sleep in a coffin? What's the point of shouting foul simply because these aren't like the vampires you want them to be?

That being said, this one isn't my favorite. My favorite so far would probably have to be Eclipse. But this one's not terrible if you like the other movies. (If you've hated them all, it's pretty much the same.)

As you can probably tell from the trailers, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and the centenially celibate Edward (Robert Pattinson) finally ... ahem ... 'do it' in this one. By which I mean they get married. Later on, after their honeymoon, Bella ends up pregnant. If you're wondering how that happens, well, when a pale, unemotional, soulless being falls in love with a vampire, they share a special hug. Then a baby comes out and asks for your credit cards. That's all I can remember from biology class. I fell asleep in the middle of the video.

There's really not a whole lot of story here. Lots of long angsty scenes and a couple of all-too-brief action sequences. But for fans of the first three movies, that's not all that unfamiliar.

And there are a couple of parts that actually got to me. For instance, in the scene where Jacob prepares to heroically kill a baby, there's a sequence there that was actually pretty cool. I knew it was coming, but it was still cool.

Also, there are a few sequences that are very easy to make fun of if that's what you want. Bella's dream the night before the wedding feels a little heavy-handed and ridiculous. The Wolves get together for a little pack meeting and the way they portray the ensuing telepathic conversation/arguement gets a little weird.

And you know how pregnant women often get these weird cravings? Well, this is one for the books. Or rather, just the one book, since she wasn't pregnant in the first three.

But I will say that (now remember, this is a fully heterosexual male here) I really loved Bella's wedding dress. At a time when everybody seems to be making a game of it, to see how far down on the body you can go before you start hanging fabric, it's nice to see a very elegantly cut and modest yet beautiful gown like that. Of course, the lace on the back seems to just go down forever, but still, I like this dress.

My main issue with this movie is that they apparently had to split it into two. It has to be because they really wanted to make the second part of the story big and fleshed out, because this one could definitely have been shortened. Personally, I'm a little tired of this idea that we have to split the final book of a series out into two movies. If you can do one movie out of each of the "Lord of the Rings" books, you can certainly do this one in one movie. Of course, apparently they can't do The Hobbit without splitting it into two movies, so I'm beginning to believe that Hollywood has simply forgotten what the word 'editing' means.

Now, I spent two years in Brazil and I'm always interested when a movie spends any amount of time there, like Edward Norton's first scenes in The Incredible Hulk. But it can be frustrating sometimes.

While Edward and Bella are on their honeymoon in Rio de Janeiro, one man is talking with Edward in Portuguese, then he looks at Bella and says "Com licença." The translation, however says "Nice to meet you." Ha ha! can you believe it?

(Edit: Apparently this translation error has been fixed in the DVD version. But while I'm on the subject of the DVD, I should point out that there's also a RiffTrax for this DVD release and it's completely hilarious.)

Well, if you can look past that kind of stuff, you may like this one.

But what do you think?

3 out of 5 stars from 1 rating of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

For me, it gets a low 7 / 10. Almost a 6.

That's not to say you shouldn't see it if you want to. A low 7 is still a recommendation if this is the kind of movie you want, but it does drag on more than I would have preferred.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 is a longer title than needed and rated PG-13 for language, violence, thematic elements (blood drinking and such), sensuality, and some nudity (including one quick 'slip').

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