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Breast Wars, The Best Celebrity Breasts

Updated on November 13, 2010




There are many weighty issues in the world today such as global warming, conflict in the Middle East, and the plight of migrating Emperor Penguins to name a few, but I think we all know that what really matters to most of us are breasts. They're round, they're soft, they can be inflated and deflated to suit personal preference, and they've yet to shoot anyone, or start a war with false information. Breasts make people happy, and that's not something that we should take for granted. Therefore, in celebration of breasts, we take a good long look at the best breasts in Hollywood.

According to InTouch and FHM, Scarlett Johansson wins the best breast award for 2006 ... though personally I think that is more related to the editors' desires to have relations with Scarlett than any impressive characteristics her breasts might have. Breast connoisseur, Dian Hanson who wrote a book on the subject would disagree however, saying this on her breasts:

“A fine pair of seemingly natural breasts of perfect shape. They’re probably a large C or a small D, but they’ve got a youthful fullness and up-tilt.”

They certainly seem serviceable, but I wouldn't call them best in show.

Jessica Simpson's breasts on the other hand, they're some pretty impressive breasts, and I'd have to give it to her over Scarlett, no matter what the others say. Jessica came in second to Scarlett on the InTouch list, and personally I think this is just another example of discrimination against those less intellectually inclined than others.

So what if she can't remember words to songs? That's not what this is all about. This is a hotness contest people! Intellect has no place here! Her breasts have an impressive volume and are often attractively displayed. In further support of this breast case, I submit the following evidence.

You know someone really has good breasts when even her father comments on them, and Joe Simpson has been quite vocal on the subject... "Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

It's always good to see fathers being supportive isn't it?

Another lady in the running has to be Katie Price AKA Jordan. At an impressive and obviously fake 34FF, this lady deserves a shout out simply for putting her back through the strain needed to carry those things around, and for enduring painful surgery. If this was a beauty contest (and it is) she gets an A for effort.

However the winer must be the one, the only, Dolly Parton - best vintage breasts ever. In some ways, Dolly Parton made massive breasts hip in Hollywood. She is undoubtedly the first lady of the massive breasts, they were even voted 'most sexually stimulating body part' in People magazine in 1985.

Hot since 1985 people! Don't forget the past, for it is the past that can stimulate the future. Look upon her breasts and learn.



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    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Pardon me Dolly, but you were awesome in '85 when they noticed the obvious appeal...and as time has gone by you have just gotten SEXIER. You are presently the pinnacle package in all aspects of older feminine attraction! As they say in the South, That Chicken issss "Finger Lickin Goooood" !!!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Damn what a rack

    • RapidDanny profile image


      8 years ago

      aaaamazing here

    • Maylinda Arons profile image

      Maylinda Arons 

      10 years ago

      hahahahahahah. That's all. No, wait: hahahahahahahahah. Yeah, I'm done.

    • funnebone profile image


      10 years ago from Philadelphia Pa

      nice hub..I will be sure to stay abreast of any developments

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      Katie Price has had her assets down-sized recently and is planning on selling the implants on eBay. They might make the lucky winner a nice pair of throw-pillows, I suppose.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      11 years ago

      You're welcome :) Now try and tear your eyes away from the page... you CAN do it...

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 

      11 years ago from San Francisco

      This was HILARIOUS! Thank you.


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