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Brian's B Movies - Reviews and Suggested Suffering

Updated on April 18, 2011
Would I lie?
Would I lie?

Rehabilitation Through B Movies

            There are only a few constants in the universe.  The first one is that everything burns, and the other that leaps to mind is that we all make mistakes.  Ever find yourself doing the face palm, or thrusting your head down to your lap with your hands on either side seriously asking yourself why you did something?  We’ve all done it.  But, do you ever reward yourself for those little triumphs in your life by giving yourself permission to have that extra snack or desert?  So why shouldn’t we punish ourselves with something more tangible than guilt and shame when we make a mistake?

            So what can you do?  Sadomasochism is right out!  You’re just trying to teach yourself a lesson; not embark on a new lifestyle.  You can always deny yourself the things you want, but we want rehabilitation without permanent suffering.  I’ve found a fun self-punishment method you won’t soon forget without any serious damage.  Force yourself to watch bad movies.

            Some movies are not worth the cost of the paper the ticket was printed on.  They are simply examples of the movie industry going through the motions of filling space between blockbusters.  But there is an alternative.  These are movies where the creators, actors and other members of the production, for some unknown reason, were unaware they have no talent.    I say, let the punishment fit the crime; and with that I present to you, 5 common mistakes we all make in life followed by the movie you should force yourself to watch.

  1. Forgot to do your taxes – Plan 9 from Outer Space, you’ve heard of it but now you’re going to watch it (all of it).
  1. Bitched about the boss at the water cooler while he was behind you – Snow Beast with Bo Svenson, fitting since his career was over as well.
  1. Locked your keys in the car – The Car, a story about a possessed car is cool since you’re going to blame it on the car in some way.
  1. Got caught sleeping at your desk – Night of the Lepus, doesn’t have much to do with sleeping but giant killer fluffy bunnies seem fitting.
  1. Forgot your 6yr old child’s birthday – Attack of the Super Monsters, when your child gets up after 6 minutes saying, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen,” you my friend will begin to realize you have selected something fitting your crime.

Well there you have it for now.  A fun filled way to tell yourself to get your act together and smarten up.  Of course after a couple of these films you might start to feel like a genius.  Don’t worry; the feeling fades fast.

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